Wondering what I'm barking about? Direct thine eyes to this. Here's a letter for my soon-to-be new best friend, Preston.
Click to embiggen.
While I have you here, I'd like to introduce you to the crown princess of "Aw, come on - what? I can't even." of the Sims 3 fan page on Facebook: Tania. Allow me to slide this into you slowly. It's a lot to take.
Now. Let's do this shit.
Finally, here's a couple of early moments I had with Tania, before the bloom had worn off for me.
Now, because I love you so much, you can have some screen caps I've had laying around awhile. You know what, how about all of them? It's a pretty big love. Shh, shh ... just look.
I'm a little late to the Chatroulette party, but I dove right in headfirst, being sure to shield my face from flying cocks and balls as I splashed in.
But let me start from the start. I got my feet wet by dipping my substantially silly toes into the bleak world of chat rooms, again. It'd been many years, so I feared I was out of practice - what was not helping this endeavor was the fact that I was ripped to absolute shreds on vodka. I'm lucky I was able to form a cogent sentence, let alone type it and get a couple screen shots. As you'd expect, about a dozen people tried to cyber with me based only upon the fact that I seemed to exist somewhere in time and space.
My first few experiences on Chatroulette were incredibly normal. There was a nice 21-year-old German guy with a foot fetish who looked 15. He was probably 15, actually. Then, there was the Josh Grobin lookalike who quite cheerfully donned a fuzzy hat for me, while being appropriately delighted that I'd put on a chef's hat. I can't tell you how many times I told people I was a chef. I need professional help.
Anyway, things eventually became what you'd expect from Chatroulette.
But then, it got a little weird again. Nico likes weird.
That guy was pretty great, but I have no idea what he's doing with the pictures he took of me. He won't get very far, though - he added me on Facebook, so I know where to find him.
It didn't take long before it was clear I'd stumbled upon someone masturbating. I called him right out on it - and he was all too ready to cop to it, and start making requests, almost all of which I refused - but none of it was amusing enough to share. He just kept insisting I show him body parts while I coquettishly (in my mind) refused. He gave up. I have that effect on people.
Then. There was this guy.
I did not stand up - but he did, which is why I didn't screen cap more of this display of affection from him. Just imagine increasingly more pained and scrunch-faced expressions from me, at the sheer horror of what I was witnessing as I found myself unable to turn away. You never forget the first time a creepy stranger ejaculates on his desk while you mentally add hand sanitizer to your grocery list.
Then there was Jesper, from Belgium. Jesper, Jesper with the bedroom eyes. I'm quite sure there is something wrong with me, because even minus vodka, I think this guy is the dreamiest I'd seen so far on Chatroulette. Jesper, if you ever find this, you have my eternal gratitude for only asking to look at my eyes, as well as your completely delightful follow-up question.
I went in for a second dip the next night, and it did not disappoint. More to come.
Folks, I love you. But I'm going to be phoning this one in. I have been distracted beyond belief lately and I just have not been able to buckle down and get this update written. So, I'm captioning the pictures via the Euphemism Generator. This will serve a couple purposes - the pictures will have words and I will not have to think of them. It's pretty wonderful in my opinion. I won't do this every time, promises.
Oh, it's Poppy's birthday already. Time really flies when you pay no attention whatsoever to something.