Most of the time, except for all the crying, my visits to the fitness center are uneventful. Sometimes I'm alone, sometimes I have company - but this one day, I had a visitation. This dude walked in, turned on the television full fricking blast and got on the treadmill. I tried not to stare, but he had an inch of salt and pepper roots, juxtaposed against medium brown hair, which appeared to be styled via bitch slap. Even before he started running, he looked like an escaped mental patient - but once he got started, it was clear this man was an innovator. He'd invented free-form jazz running, built around the whole "walk without rhythm" rule while on a planet with sandworms (yes, I squoze a Dune reference in there). Anyway, I don't have a really great end to this story, so let's just pretend I found $10 on the way home.
I'm really here to share with you a grievance letter I wrote quite awhile ago. Now, I know I say they're only funny if you really send them, but this was written on behalf of a friend, who had a change of heart once she saw how truly evil I can be to a person. But, someone needs to see this, even if it's not the intended victim. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and the jerky.
I'm not going to call you Odessa. There's not enough time in the day to address that particular delusion, so I'll just skip it and get straight to why I'm here.
It's not every day that I run across a monument to self-absorption quite as stunning as yourself. I have to admit, your complete inability to demonstrate awareness - let alone concern - for anything not firmly planted up your own ass has left me nearly speechless. And that's just in the last week.
I don't want to blow your mind or anything, but outside of your own little life, there's an entire world that not only exists, but also somehow manages to march forward even when confronted with adversity, without expecting the rest of the world stop with them while they cry. It's what reasonable adults do.
What reasonable adults don't do, for example, is have outrageous and impossible expectations of their friends - especially when they're not willing or even able to offer as much as they're expecting to get. You can't shove a turd in a toaster oven and expect it to produce a pizza when the timer dings. That would be crazy. But you're doing exactly that, and then following it up by displaying the unmitigated big balls to reprimand the toaster for disappointing YOU.
In case it's not clear, this is about Rory. I know you have no personal frame of reference when it comes to pregnancy, giving birth and becoming a parent - but honestly, that's just no excuse for your behavior. A lot of people haven't experienced children of their own, yet are still able to utilize the sense god gave them to not even consider pissing and moaning about their personal problems to someone who is literally in the process of giving birth. I'd almost be forced to admire the audacious rancor apparent in you doing it IN PUBLIC ...that is, if I had any respect for you whatsoever. Fortunately, I don't carry that particular burden.
Even before Rory became a mother, her life was not about you - but now that she is, her life is so far beyond 'not about you' that the shining, glorious light from 'not about you' wouldn't manage to reach her in your lifetime.
Right about now, you may be wondering if I know about how you've continued to complain to Rory about your personal problems, even while she's still in the hospital. Obviously ... yes. I also know that you lectured her about how she should be more considerate of YOU.
And right about now, I'M wondering if you have any self-control whatsoever.
You have a choice to make at this point. One option - the best, I think - is to stop being so unrepentantly ate up with yourself for long enough to understand that Rory's life has changed in ways you don't relate to, and now might be a good time to quietly go your separate ways - without being a god damned drama queen about it. From what I've seen just in the past few weeks, you didn't deserve most of the friendship she gave you, so be grateful for what you did get, and try to be graceful about letting her get on with her life. That means not sending her any passive-aggressive, woe-is-Lori e-mails, texts or voice messages.
That's actually just good advice in general for your life, since that kind of happy horseshit is for teenagers, not grown women in their 30s.
One last bit of advice: If you're thinking about getting all frothed up into a self-righteous frenzy and bitching to Rory about how this is none of my business and how I've been so very undeservedly mean to poor, poor Lori, you are most definitely wasting your time.
You don't realize this now, and you may never be able accept it, but I'm actually being the best friend you could have right now. You needed to hear this.
So, there you have it. I am a big meanie.