The Hole

I don't quite understand why I watched The Hole. Netflix had it listed in the "witty movie" section and I'd forgotten for a moment how they lie. Also, not unlike this movie, I too have a mysterious hole that leads to nowhere which is full of unspeakable misery. But I didn't build it. Nobody built the hole.

Alright, let's get this over with. Single mom Susan (Teri Polo - she's that chick from that thing you saw) moves her two sons Dane (Chris Massoglia) and Lucas (Nathan Gamble) into an adorable rental house in a nice neighborhood because they are obviously running away from something we couldn't possibly figure out until they spelled it out like we're five and hard of understanding.

Almost immediately, the boys find a trap door in the basement, kept closed with several padlocks - and no sooner than you can bellow, "Someone give me a fricking Nutella sandwich!" mom finds a new boyfriend. She also seems more surprised than I was that her kids didn't immediately start knitting him Father's Day ties.

Did I mention the teenage girl next door? Her name's Julie (Haley Bennett) and her parents do not appear to exist. She is nearly an expert on what's cool - and according to her, what's cool is a gateway to hell under your house. And how! She does have one of the "wittiest" lines in the movie, which was something like, "stop looking at that and play, or go home and jump in your hole." Jump in your own hole, lady.

Anyway, the boys decide to explore the hole by throwing things into it. You know, stuff like rusty nails and a talking Cartman doll - the usual stuff people toss into pits. As you'd expect, this not only angers the hole monster, but also allows it to escape, since padlocks can hold the hole closed, but a freezer big enough to fit three or four dead bodies (depending) cannot.

I'm sure right now, you're as ready to hurl yourself into the hole as I was by the time single mom Susan leaves her sons alone for a couple of days with a wooden gaping maw in the basement for some sort of "hospital business trip". This is where things get predictable, except for the bow-legged clown. Nobody expects that.

Yadda, blah, ugh - the moral of this story is that you have only to shake a bony finger at your greatest fears and they will disappear back down into the nothingness that once spewed fresh heck right at your stupid face. Creepy Carl (Bruce Dern) didn't get that memo in time, unfortunately.

In summation, not enough people are dead at the end of this movie. On a scale of "I wanna refund!" to "passionate ovation", I'm going to have to give this movie a solid "murnph".
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