Blue Valentine

I hope you know that I love each and every one of you with the sort of sweet, sticky, inappropriate devotion that can only come from a person who writes for a handful of strangers on the internet. That said, I don't think you experience nearly enough abject misery, which is why I bring you Blue Valentine.

It's hard to feel any one distinct way about this film. It's like eating the best meal of your life, whilst being verbally abused by your closest friend. The only way to torment yourself more would be to watch Blue Valentine right before watching Melancholia, and then cap the movie marathon off with clips of suffering baby animals, while drinking too much Kamchatka vodka. Have a nice morning after. Might I suggest the Egg McMuffin?

Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams star as Dean and Cindy, a working-class couple living in Pennsylvania. Their story is told through flashbacks while they live out a couple miserable days in the present, with their daughter Frankie (Faith Wladyka).

Dean is portrayed as an affectionate, fun-loving under-achiever, while Cindy is your garden-variety ball-hammering shrew. I've tried to figure out why these two aren't able to get along anymore and other than putting all the blame on Cindy and her inability to accept love from someone who's not screaming insults about her meatloaf, the only conclusion I've reached is that as they matured, their relationship did not grow with them.

But really, present-day Cindy is just a simmering, soul-crushing hemorrhoid - which I say without possessing even a hint of a scorching case of the hungry hots for Ryan Gosling.

Blue Valentine is about a relationship, that although begins with love at first sight, never steps into the realm of the candy-coated land of the everlasting cuddlebuddles. It assaults you with every aspect of the excitement and gorgeousness of all the great relationship-beginnings you've had, then immediately bashes you over the innocent, tender head with how much the world just hates you and your love so very, very much. It does. The universe just loathes you. Don't try to figure out why, you'll never get your answer. Oh god, I promised myself I wouldn't cry. Anyway.

If this film hadn't been made so beautifully, I wouldn't have watched it several times. You never see anyone "acting" and the conversations feel spontaneous and real. When Michelle Williams eats that donut, it makes you want a donut. When you learn that Dean is supposedly from Florida, yet speaks with an northeastern accent, it makes you want a donut.

Watch it, because I can't suffer alone.
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