What follows is the correspondence I sent:
This is a fine how don't you do. Why am I always last picked for the kickball team? I can kick a ball. I've been kicking balls since you were a blastocyst and don't you doubt that for a moment - I have the perfect toes for it.
You have made a massive error in over-looking me for your 2013 Edition of Worldwide Registry for Business Professionals. Do you have any idea of what I'm capable? Allow me to educate you.
1. I give the best business hugs in the universe. You couldn't prove otherwise if you tried. I always win a hug.
2. I know precisely how much pressure to exert no matter what the task - be it holding a briefcase handle, typing a memorandum outlining the intricacies of office kitchen etiquette, or kicking open a door because I'm carrying two piping hot cups of coffee and a double-iced bear claw because my assistant took the day off to balm her husband's haunches.
3. My blazers are legendary.
4. I can answer the living frig out of a business call. When my phone's not ringing off the hook because my assistant took the day off to shop for her prank gum and novelty felt, I will answer my colleague's phones as I pass by their office. I always win a phone call.
5. If you have a problem, yo - I'll solve it.
So you might just want to go ahead and inform your Director about my vast qualifications. I assure you that he'll want to halt production of the registry so I can not only be included, but also have my photograph published on the cover as an example to everyone.
I've attached a picture of myself for use.
Your future boss,
Nico
