Boys and Adjectives

As a single girl who sleeps very poorly, I get bored a lot, so I end up on Omegle at odd hours, with a beer in hand. I've had a few great convos there, like the night I laughed until I cried while three dudes from Texas acted like three dudes from Texas.

But as anyone who's been there can tell you, it's pretty much hit or miss, miss, miss, miss. Much of the time, I end up talking to a young man who assumes that me moving to Skype with them to chat verbally without Omegle's soundtrack of what must be robots tussling means that later, despite how very clothed I remained, and non-sexual our first conversation was, I want them to tell me every single time they feel a boner approaching.

I actually suspect that I could conduct this first conversation while wearing another person as my hat, and talking about nothing but my collection of stolen left socks I took from former lovers and still yield the same results.

I do expect and accept that guys, especially the younger ones, will ask to see my boobs when they meet me on video chat. It's okay, I get it. But how many times do you have to say no before it lands in a part of their brain where it's understood as an actual no?

Is deigning to spend time with me in conversation seen as some sort of currency to be exchanged for flashing my tits or fielding conversation about the pressure in his balls?

I am learning so much about men in my year of being single. Here's an example:

Wait for it ...

Everyone, just think about that sentence. "You should see what I can do with my ass hole."
Allow it to echo in your mind. It's impossible to respond to immediately.

"like a baby"!? What published work is telling men to use that phrase anywhere near a statement about their genitals?

Yep, "crimson tide" tore it for me. I've reached the point where I can no longer muster
the energy to help guide him out of the depths of uninspired futility.

I've now given you all the formula for getting a child down for a nap. Exhaust them with word salads.

What do you think? Will he message me again?

Letters to Strangers

For the few of you not familiar with my newest hobby, check this out.
Today, we torment Daniel.

Since I have you here, and the room is already paid for, let's look at some other stuff.

I got this very fun Skype friend request the other day:

I'm a lot of woman, but I don't think even I could handle a whole Ukrainian army. Pick a regiment.

My friend Emma sent this to me:

I think the italics are on the wrong word here.  Let's try: "Centipedes? In my vagina?"
No? ~shrugs~

Finally, I have painstakingly collected search terms people used to find my blog and compiled them into neat, pretty little pictures - not because you care how they look, but because it soothes the monster which resided within my soul.

First, the recent obsession with Chatroulette.  Here's what the people want.

I am offended by this because I never misspell masturbate. 

Now take a look at the varied and very wrong ways people are spelling Chatroulette:

Not that bad, I suppose, but they get worse:

There's a dick in cup of coffee joke which exists, but unfortunately, I cannot access it.

It's pretty clear they've either already started before getting to Chatroulette, or are typing with their penis.

Now, feast your eyes on this random nonsense:

I know I've said a lot about Katy Perry, but I've focused mainly on her eyes and cupcake tits - I ... wasn't even aware she had feet fingers.  Do they mean toes? What the fuck is happening?

This is downright distressing. Seek help, you.

I never, ever joke about anal sex. I do, however, run into the issue of choking on nut sacks about fortnightly. Any advice would be appreciated. To be fair, I never used the phrase "natalie portman eats out mila kunis" for one thing, because that is not how it went down in Black Swan, but also, the exact phrase I used had something to do with "Portman tacos", which I find equal parts hilarious and juvenile.

Hey! I like titties, too!  But maybe tone it down a little - there are no tits here, I promise. Also, whoever searched for "titties.....hell yes!" I really, really need to talk to you. 

Hi.  See a fucking doctor.

I have a tiny nerdgasm every time someone finds my blog by searching for stuff like "spacing guild navigator".  Also, I'm calling the police.

That about sums this up.  I've made you look at a lot of stupid things. Sorry about that.  Now, check this stupid thing out, and try not to get addicted to it.

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