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This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?





Friday, February 18, 2011

Black Swan (a.k.a. My Big Night Out)

What's not to like about a "psychosexual thriller" starring an emaciated Natalie Portman and a slightly scuzzy Mila Kunis? Let's explore.

The first thing we're beat over the head with - other than the fact that this film is about a production of the ballet Swan Lake - is how very meek Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman) is.  She's a sweet, quiet, hardworking perfectionist, dammit - can't you see?  Yes, we see.  Nina lives with her mother, Erica Sayers (Barbara Hershey) - now, I'm going to need you to hold on to your tuffets here, because I've got news for you: Nina's mother is overprotective and controlling. 

We're also introduced to Lily (Mila Kunis) and she's a spitfire free spirit.  You can't tame her!  She probably doesn't even wash her face before she goes to bed.  Jesus Christ, the very thought.

Beth Macintyre (Winona Ryder) is the elderly former lead Swan Queen. You never see her dance, although you do get an eyeful of her being an expert drunken scowler.  Nowhere near as skilled as my husband in his bachelor days, but I'm sure she tried very hard.

Thomas Leroy (Vincent Cassel), the ballet director is now casting for a new lead to play both the good sister White Swan and the evil sister Black Swan.  Nina wants the role, but Leroy is reluctant to cast her - he thinks she's perfect for the White Swan, but lacks the reckless, dark abandon necessary to portray the Black Swan - probably due to her lack of giving him blowjobs the first time they meet.  In the end, she wins the role.  How?  Ancient Chinese secret.

Nina is so excited, she almost eats an entire bite of cake.

At a benefit gala, Leroy bids adieu to the aged Beth Macintyre, and introduces the fresh, young Nina as his new Swan Queen. Awkward! While using the facilities and having one of a continuing string of hallucinations, Nina hears a banging at the door.  It's Lily, threatening to urinate all over the place.  You can't take that girl anywhere!

Lily tries to get Nina to hang out with her in the bathroom and kibbutz, but Nina declines.  She has to go stand by herself for long enough for pensioner Beth Macintyre to stumble into her so she can be falsely accused of doling out blowjobs to get the role of the Swan Queen.  Ha!  Before Beth gets the chance to really sharpen her claws, Leroy swoops in and whisks Nina off to his apartment greasy lair. 

What transpires next is what I can only describe as the creepiest dialogue written by a 12-year-old I've ever witnessed.  Before Nina escapes, Leroy gives her homework to prepare herself for the role of the Black Swan: play with your vagina.  I hope you were still gripping your tuffets.  If you actually watch the movie, I suggest gluing your ass into one for the actual scene where she does her homework.  Depending on your personality, it's: a) hot as hell. b) no idea, there's a popcorn tub over my head. c) high-larious. d) life-destroying. e) can't talk, turning into swan.

Nina's not able to enjoy winning the role of the Swan for very long, because not only does she have to shoulder the guilt of crazy old Beth Macintyre throwing herself into traffic the night of the goodbye Beth/hello Nina gala, but now she also has to worry about crazy young Lily breathing down her neck as her understudy bent on stealing her role.  Fuck a duck.  Or don't.

I'm not going to give a detailed play-by-play of the rest of the film, but suffice it to say that it's a juxtaposition of painfully trite dialogue against disturbing hallucinatory imagery with a backdrop of pretty girls performing pretty dance.  It's a lot like going to see Swan Lake after drinking Salvia tea - one minute everything's fine, and you're just cooling out watching Natalie Portman be a ballerina, wishing you had her nose - the next, you're in a Swan Lake meta-nightmare.  Winona Ryder looks like roadkill, Mila Kunis is shoving cheeseburgers and Portman tacos in her face, you can't get away from the mirrors, which are definitely fucking not working right - and well ... I guess I should be grateful this is at least one sanctuary from that damned Soul Sister song it seemed impossible to get away from this past year.

Did I like it, you ask?  Put it to you this way: it's been well over two years since my last "date night" with my husband, and we went to a theater which served hot food and cold drink during the movie.  They could have put almost anything up on that screen and I would have tolerated it. 

Putting all of that aside, I wasn't completely satisfied with the film.  I know the retardedly lame dialogue was supposedly on purpose, to make the chilling parts ice cold or whatever.  But for me, it was too jarring.  By the time something interesting was happening, I was still groaning from lines that seemed to be treating the audience as though they couldn't get from A to B without the plot of Swan Lake being carefully explained, at least thrice throughout the movie.  Listen, I know I was shoveling pickle spears down my gullet like it was my last meal, but that doesn't mean I can't get to the end of the movie without a map. 



  
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24 comments:

YOMomma said...

And again, I love you. MArry me?

Anonymous said...

Best blog yet. Please see movies more often so I can read your reviews. Thank you.

Unknown said...

Not all movies are Black Swan. Also, we have no babysitter now that Hammersmark fucked off back home. But maybe, just for you I'll do a review of The Room. Muahahahahahaha.

At the very least, I know for sure that our Militant Working Boy won't be clamoring to review that giant turd.

@Messedupchick - maybe. ;)

E. Studnicka said...

Ah... I see I have some excellent competition. And I see your strategy... you use mental telepathy to decipher which movies I have not seen and then review them knowing full well that I will not be able to post any sarky comments about what you are writing. You evil, evil, blogger you.

E. Studnicka said...

Also... how dare you compare "The Room" to feces?! It is perhaps the most enchanting and artistic piece of filmmaking I will never see.

Unknown said...

Well, technically I did ask if you planned to review this one, so I didn't utilize telepathy - this time. Also, the very IDEA of you watching The Room gives me the giggles so bad I could fart stars.

E. Studnicka said...

So much for your newly awakening movie review brilliance hopefully penetrating my crusty old mind. Drat.
And get yourself some beano 'cause just for that I am going to watch/review "The Room".

Unknown said...

If you were hesitant to watch/review Twilight - trust me, The Room takes glutton-for-punishment stamina. Honestly, start smaller - maybe with a Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie like "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank" (with Raul Julia) it's still terrible, but at least there are other people shouting amusing things at the screen to help you through.

For someone like you, who actually watches like, great movies, trying to endure listening only to what your own mind would scream at the screen througout The Room ... well, it was hard for me, and I watch A LOT of crap. Of course, this is probably having the effect of just making you want to watch it more.

E. Studnicka said...

Correct as usual Queen Morley :)

It's now at spot #1 on the netflix queue... tee hee!

Madeline Hammersmark said...

I guess I have to visit every year so you guys can get out at least once a year.

Also, how would I look with Portman's nose?

Unknown said...

@MWB - Good luck, you.

@Hammersmark - like a murderer.

Unknown said...

Best thing I've ever read in my entire life. Do they give blog Pulitzers?

Madeline Hammersmark said...

Like a murderer?

Unknown said...

@Bunny - I can't even get more than 10 people to read my blog, do they give prizes for the bestly ignored blogs?

@Hammersmark - apparently, the joke is only funny to me, husband didn't get it either. It assumes that removing Portman's nose would kill her. I suppose she could live without it.

E. Studnicka said...

Seriously... am I the only person who gets your jokes???

Unknown said...

I think so. Bunny might have gotten that one though. She pretty much understands anything involving violence.

Madeline Hammersmark said...

Now, if I said "How would I look with Natalie Portman's still beating heart?", I might have understood the joke.

Taking her nose just isn't violent enough for me to deduce "murder" from your joke.

But seriously...how WOULD I look with Natalie Portman's still beating heart?

GerardYouSendMe said...

I've got to get here more often, and YOU have to do more movie reviews! Checking out The Room as we speak!

Unknown said...

You do so at your own risk.

Blakenetizen said...

AWESOME REVIEW!

Unknown said...

Thank you kindly. ~curtsy~

kolleen said...

omg, i love this review. but i have to say, i adored Black Swan. but then, i like weird lesbian-esque pseudo- sexual anorexic thrillers. and ballet.

Unknown said...

Thank you! I didn't hate it, actually. It's just that I'm not a proper film reviewer, and there's a not a bit of humor in enjoying something. My schtick is snark - but I'm sure you've noticed. It kinda hits one in the face at the door.

Annie Stillman said...

I am extremely impressed!!