I'm a simple girl. Give me some fresh mixed greens, tomatoes, chicken, dressing and maybe some croutons and cheese. That seems pretty straightforward, yes? Like there would be no way to fuck that up without going out of your way to do something completely insane - like using a bum's nutsack as your mixing bowl and a couple of rancid lobster claws as your salad spoons - but Wendy's has made mucking up a perfectly good salad an art.
They used to have a halfway decent crispy chicken salad, but they couldn't leave well enough alone - they had to turn it into a BLT grilled chicken salad. Sure, I could pick out the shredded bacon, but I wasn't fucking happy about it.
Then things started getting strange. The BLT grilled chicken salad became a BLT Cobb. This means now on top of pulling out bacon, I'm chasing down bits of cotton-picking blue cheese - and that shit is wiley. It's just not even worth the trouble anymore. I might as well make my own salad, and we all know that ain't happening.
So I decided to try their newest incarnation of a Chicken Caesar salad - which, for reasons unexplained, is spicy. Also, I don't know about you, but every other Caesar salad I've ever had in my entire life has contained parmesan cheese, and only parmesan cheese. But that's just not wacky enough for Wendy's - they have to use Asiago cheese. I was willing to give it a shot, even after the odor gave me a good smack across the face when I cracked the container open. I even tried a bite. It made me wonder what went down at that focus group when they finally landed on Asiago cheese. My best guess is that it was something mischievous involving lots of alcohol and some sort of confused, misunderstood joke regarding the play Othello.
As I stood in the kitchen going through the painstaking process of removing every last bit of cheese I could find, my husband spontaneously started checking the children's diapers in the next room. I exaggerate not, the smell was that funky.
The salad itself wasn't terrible, once the offensive cheese was removed and quarantined, and I wrapped my brain around the inclusion of grape tomatoes (Wendy's, did you even Google Caesar salad?) on top of the sensation of my tongue burning the whole time.
But still, I have to beg of you, Wendy's - please. Just make some normal fucking salads, would you? Your Baja Salad (the one smothered in shitty warm chili, guacamole, tortilla chips and pico de gallo) is not simply inedible. It's a crime. I'd honestly rather abuse my stomach with a "salad" from Taco Bell. Did you hear me? I said Taco Bell! Blargh!
I'm about to give up on you, Wendy's.