This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Why, Wendy's?

Since we all know I love bitching about food I don't cook, I have a really big bone to pick with Wendy's about their ever-evolving and continually trying-so-hard-they're-failing-even-harder salads. 

I'm a simple girl.  Give me some fresh mixed greens, tomatoes, chicken, dressing and maybe some croutons and cheese.  That seems pretty straightforward, yes?  Like there would be no way to fuck that up without going out of your way to do something completely insane - like using a bum's nutsack as your mixing bowl and a couple of rancid lobster claws as your salad spoons - but Wendy's has made mucking up a perfectly good salad an art. 

They used to have a halfway decent crispy chicken salad, but they couldn't leave well enough alone - they had to turn it into a BLT grilled chicken salad.  Sure, I could pick out the shredded bacon, but I wasn't fucking happy about it.

Then things started getting strange.  The BLT grilled chicken salad became a BLT Cobb.  This means now on top of pulling out bacon, I'm chasing down bits of cotton-picking blue cheese - and that shit is wiley.  It's just not even worth the trouble anymore.  I might as well make my own salad, and we all know that ain't happening.

So I decided to try their newest incarnation of a Chicken Caesar salad - which, for reasons unexplained, is spicy.  Also, I don't know about you, but every other Caesar salad I've ever had in my entire life has contained parmesan cheese, and only parmesan cheese.  But that's just not wacky enough for Wendy's - they have to use Asiago cheese.  I was willing to give it a shot, even after the odor gave me a good smack across the face when I cracked the container open.  I even tried a bite.  It made me wonder what went down at that focus group when they finally landed on Asiago cheese.  My best guess is that it was something mischievous involving lots of alcohol and some sort of confused, misunderstood joke regarding the play Othello.

As I stood in the kitchen going through the painstaking process of removing every last bit of cheese I could find, my husband spontaneously started checking the children's diapers in the next room.  I exaggerate not, the smell was that funky.

The salad itself wasn't terrible, once the offensive cheese was removed and quarantined, and I wrapped my brain around the inclusion of grape tomatoes (Wendy's, did you even Google Caesar salad?) on top of the sensation of my tongue burning the whole time.

But still, I have to beg of you, Wendy's - please.  Just make some normal fucking salads, would you?  Your Baja Salad (the one smothered in shitty warm chili, guacamole, tortilla chips and pico de gallo) is not simply inedible.  It's a crime.  I'd honestly rather abuse my stomach with a "salad" from Taco Bell.  Did you hear me?  I said Taco Bell!  Blargh!

I'm about to give up on you, Wendy's.
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Anonymous said...

I'm back on my workout kick again... And by that I mean I started today. :cough: so I'm going to be eating lots of salads in my near future. I'll stay away from Wendy's ( course... Common sense would tell me to do that anyway). Balls.

Unknown said...

With all the crispy chicken, bacon and various narsty cheeses, Wendy's salads are hardly diet food anyway.

E. Studnicka said...

You would understand why I have absolutely no sympathy for you if you could have seen the fake chicken patty I forced myself to eat last night.
Sometimes I hate myself for being a vegetarian.

Unknown said...

I ate vegetarian for a year. I'd rather eat a breaded chunk of cardboard than try to choke down another faux burger or chik'n patty. Although most processed chicken patties don't resemble chicken either.

E. Studnicka said...

I am fairly positive that whatever I ate last night was a breaded chunk of cardboard.

Unknown said...

Thing one: I HATE that I get no notifications when you post a new it because I used my Yahoo account? Rrrrrr!
And then the other thing: I once called the Wendy's customer service hotline to complain about a food related incident, and the 1-800 operator took my complaint, then called the manager of my neighborhood Wendy's to report it. It should have ended there, but then the operator GAVE MY PHONE NUMBER to the MANAGER who then CALLED ME AT HOME AFTER 10 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT!!!!!!! I wish I had a transcript of that phone call--he tried to ban me from Wendy' if he had a snowball's chance in hell of identifying me, as if I ever wanted to eat there again.

Blakenetizen said...

:) Where has this blog been my whole life!

Unknown said...

Where have you been my whole blog?

denimp said...

I don't know bout him, but I've been trolling blogspot looking for a blog worthy enough for my presences, and hay guess what? I found it!

Unknown said...

I was doing the same thing a few weeks ago and all blogspot would show me was god damned mommy blogs. I would have thrown a baby across the room, if I could have found one.

denimp said...

I was getting annoyed. So I went on good ole facebook, found a random page, and your blog link was on it and i was like 'oh my fucking god this is awesome.'

Unknown said...

"A random page"? I thought you came here from the Sims 3 fan page. I'm out there on some random page on Facebook? Do tell.

CoachBeer said...

I once ate three double decker tacos from Taco Bell as a 11 year old. The lesbian manager knew me and my grandmother for 2 years after that event.