This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

I Play Sims 2 (part10)

Giuliana gets the award for being the best-looking female elder so far.
Unfortunately, she's willing to touch a person with a haircut that shouldn't exist.
Gigi, you're an adult! Go get some action, promptly.
Mm, yes. Right next to the bug collection, as it's meant to be.
And you're handling pregnancy so gracefully!
This is an interesting new ritual I have yet to find a name for.
Mina, I am not quite digging your elder do-rag.

Groovy, another tree fire.
Even better, a lecture from the fire department for calling them when there was no actual fire.
Must be time for more game goofin'.
Damned thing refused to quit raging, so I moved it to the front of the property and made it a feature.
Gigi really likes it. It sets them apart from the rest of the houses on the block.
It's a boy! His name is Hank.
This is what's become of our sweet princess Holly.
Naturally, Murray rushed right on over.
Hank's a toddler! Oh, I can't wait to potty train yet another one of these things.
And looky there, Holly popped right between the hoopty and the blazing tree.
As it tends to do, life goes on ... Gigi shreds her face off in her pajamas in full view of the neighbors ...
... Geneva digs her holes in the yard ...
... Mina can't bear the racket ...
... and a stray dog engages in goofballery in the spot where the tree finally
extinguished itself for no apparent reason, after several days ablaze.
Don't worry, after I moved it back, it caught fire again. I didn't even bother to call the fire department. What can you do?
So then Holly had a little girl named Hillary.
And Hank became a child wearing a shirt similar to one I own, so I need fashion help.
Hillary suddenly grew into, uh ... this. We'll wait, it could get better.
Well, maybe Hillary is smart.
Everything is just going kooky now.
For one thing, our maid came home from work with Holly.
And Giuliana find her loathsome as balls.
Alright ... uh, maid ... see you in the morning!
Then we have these two stray dogs on the front porch - both named Bailey.
They battled. There can only be one. Congratulations, Bailey! Better luck next time, Bailey!
I became so thoroughly fed up with my game's knavery, I decided to build a pond under the eternally burning tree.
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Tuesday, January 20, 2015


I think I just got tricked into watching a zombie movie, guys. Netflix can convince me to watch a lot of strange things, and I really do like strange, but this was akin to discovering a bag of garbage that's been sitting hidden in your shed for a year. What's this? Old Christmas ornaments? Clothes for donation? No. Just a sack full of moist, gnarly detritus and something wiggling a little.

Samantha (Najarra Townsend) is a strangely beautiful girl who is embarrassingly obsessed with her ex-girlfriend Nikki (Katie Stegeman) - an ostensibly English girl - who behaves toward Sam as though she's continually just turned up at her door, trying to offer her an issue of The Watchtower. Nikki's attitude toward her ranges from a bored obligation to converse to thinly-veiled bored hostility.

The story begins with Sam attending a house party of her friend Alice (Alice Macdonald) with absolutely no desire to socialize or drink, and practically walking around announcing to anyone who will listen that she's a lesbian, duh. Naturally, she gets intensely hammered and has sexual intercourse in a car with a man named BJ (Simon Barrett) whom I can only describe as extremely blurry.

Take that, nice guy Riley (Matt Mercer), how dare you try to act like a normal, decent dude with no intentions of slipping a roofie to the object of your affection.

As you can deduce from the poster, Sam begins to get very ill, over the course of three short days. This is where the film goes from dopey to inexplicable. It's not just the fact that her outward severity of symptoms change drastically back and forth between scenes (one moment her left eye is salmon colored, the next completely opaque white, then back again) it's also how mildly everyone is reacting to a person who looks like she's in the early stages of late-stage leprosy. More than half the time, they don't even seem to notice the funk emanating from her like sickness stink lines in a cartoon.

She's also acting very suspiciously. Just walking around being the most conspicuously suspicious character in the vicinity. Plus, I can't imagine a doctor would be presented with a previously healthy, young woman who is suddenly bleeding like a stuck pig, has a severe rash starting in her genitals which branches upward, and an extremely low heart-rate and not send her to the emergency room. I don't even think this "doctor" Googled her symptoms. My quick search indicates that best-case scenario, noticeable bradycardia can mean she's really damned dehydrated. Instead of telling her to drink some Gatorade, he merely suggests that she lotion up her vagina, because ew, there's a lot of dry, dead skin on it.

During her second visit, when the iris of her right eye has turned completely red and the left has gone pink, he's all, "Well, it looks bad, but what can we do? Just gotta wait for the test results. Definitely looks like an infection, but I have to find out exactly which one before I can give you some antibiotics. I'll have my nurse call you after the labs are back. Oh, and you're probably really contagious, so try to just ... stay away from other people while you wait."

She's a waitress, and he doesn't even advise her not to go into work with her crazy, sometimes bleeding eyeballs and touch people's salad greens with her bare, blood-caked fingernails. Her own boss (E-Kan Soong) sees this shit and is like, "Oh man, that looks pretty terrible. I'll call someone to cover your shift, you just wait here in the completely un-staffed, gleaming kitchen near all the stuff we don't want contaminated by anything that oozes."

Even after Sam hears from Alice that the police are looking for a mysterious guy from the party, she still doesn't care that her teeth, hair and nails are falling off her body - what's most important is keeping Nikki from hearing that she's had sex with a dude.

Sam's own mother (Caroline Williams) appears to be more concerned with the weak subplot of her daughter being a recovering heroin addict. Aren't you looking right at her, mom?! She's vomiting blood all over your clean bathroom!

The grossness persists and escalates. She tries to kiss three people (two of whom let her) with a sore at the corner of her mouth, grey, rotting teeth, and what has to be some galloping morning death breath. I might be a little fussy, but I don't want to touch mouths with someone who has spinach stuck in their teeth, even if they do have a cute, interesting nose.

There's no reason to watch this film. It's ridiculous, yet even with the "here's my motivation, see?" acting and unrealistic, "man, you look like shit, are you feeling well?" reactions to physical decay, it's still not over-the-top enough to truly be a work of unintentional art. Your time might be better spent writing haikus about your lover's burrito farts, or digging that gunk from under your fingernails.

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Tuesday, January 13, 2015

I Play Sims 2 (part9)

You can't confuse death, Harris. Just like you can't pop a goulash.
Looks like someone tried to pop something all over Mina's new grown-up shirt.
Giuliana had her baby! I named her Gigi. She has spectacular eyebrows.
That crib sheet looks like someone has been pooping Rorschach tests.
Gigi grew into a toddler, as one does.
It's at this point, my game decided it was time for shenanigans. This bores Gretchen, who's seen it all.
Mina goes into labor near the green thing.
Gigi has become a world-weary child. I'd feel the same if I got stuck to my grandmother's torso for no reason.
Giuliana has taken up a career as an aerobics instructor circa 1986.
Mina's daughter Holly became a toddler before I started paying attention to her.
Also happening while I was in a Sims-trance - Gretchen spinning Gigi until she blows fluffy blue chunks.
Giuliana ... well. I find this hard to explain. But I guess there wasn't much money in wearing leg warmers.
Gretchen's gone. I hope she's kicking Harris' butt, wherever it is that Sims go.
Holly's a major princess, I guess.
With a minor in same-sex jitterbug.
Gigi's looking cuter.
Giuliana, don't forget your castanets.
Mina's a high-ranking ... military thing, uh - person.
Both girls participate in dare-devilry.
Although, Holly could find better ways to display bravery than offering her arm as a snack to a stray dog.
Holly's a teenager, and it's freaking her out.
I like this. It's been awhile since my Sims clumped with their guests somewhere other than the bathroom.
But I think this farshtunken visitor needs a few minutes with a hose. Go home, weirdo.
So, apparently astronauts carpool to the shuttle.
So comfortable, you can check your sites in it.
Holly's dating a lumberjack whose talent is hovering a ball with his mind.
Gigi got herself a ginger who likes his belly poked. Or at least tolerates it.
Aaand let's wrap this chapter up with a little abuse. A high note.

I Play Sims 2 (part10)
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