This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Monday, February 27, 2012

Closed Captioned, for your pleasure

It's recently come to my attention that you can turn closed captioning on with some Youtube videos. The results resemble poorly lip-read video transcripts and my reactions to it range from mildly amused to near hysterics, contingent upon my levels of intoxication and/or whimsy. Let's get cracking, and do. this. shit.

Who doesn't love a good cover song? If you don't, you're not human. Speaking of which.

Oh, that's our Stanley. When he's not yelling, he's um, there.

Uh ... you can call me Nico. This is my blog.  Please, please try not to get any grease on it.
Um ... what?
That sounds like something you should be looking to your boyfriend for. I don't want to do whatever that is.
Sounds about right.
"In family", huh? Shocked. Gast flabbered.
If I agreed any more, my neighbors would be banging on my wall right about now.
That explains ... so much.

Well, that was a fricking blast in a glass. What's Brother Theodore saying?

I'm a married woman, you maniac. Okay, fine. I'll do it.

How's about we look at something to do with a game I'm not cool enough to play? Let's.

Oh don't let my expression fool you. I'm all the way there. I'm in it.

Make that a "hell but no" and I am straight up on board.
That definitely was not me. I've never even been to Arson St.  That's downtown, right?  I wouldn't even know how to break a ship. I think I was probably getting my nails did when that happened. Yeah. That's the ticket.
It's hard to know what's worse - dying in the vacuum of space or having to wear work-themed head wear.

While we're on the Mass Effect topic, let's see what Garrus has to say.

I'll bring the butter.

Oooh, now let's talk about the interactive storytelling in a game I'm not cool enough to play.

Oh man, he's kinda hot.  I'm just dying to SEE the product.
Oh my god, is your suit like those still suits in Dune? That must be rad.
I'm not afraid of afghans or decorative rugs, be real. Bring it.

What else is happening with Mass Effect?

Is it the look on my face? I'm just freaked out by your teeth, sir.

What about Skyrim? I don't play this, either!

You've got the wrong people. Only party people here. Let's give that pope a disability, anyhow. I'll get the ankles.

But what about your cooling needs?

This is most assuredly a private moment. Just hand me a fudgesicle and I'll be on my way.

Seems a good time to talk about safe words. Or safety in general.

In Soviet Russia, fire extinguishers put out - oh.
Oh now, that's kinky. I might be into it - but if I don't like it, I'll have to take my balls home, as well as yours.

Movies. What's new in film?

I, uh, guess someone had to tell the campfire. Who better than a drunk guy.

For Joe LoTruglio? I got condoms. (That's a compliment. call me, Joe LoTruglio. Call me.)

Okay, I give up.  Bring that girl back. I need more cover song.

Looks like we're on the precipice of a schism.
Okay, well.  This one's for my homies.
No. I have a feeling the big moment is yet to come.
I've a few recommendations. I'll fax them to you.
If you've got gluten in your bush initiatives, please ... for the children. Keep it under your hat.
All I can get from this is that Timmy might be stuck in a well?  I'll get the winch.
I require ... less cow ... bell. Make it so.

Aaaaaaand I'm spent.  Click something. 

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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

More Dreams

I almost forgot to post today.  My sister had been visiting since last Thursday, and on her last night (last night) here, we walked to a karaoke place, got hammered to death, and I embarrassed myself beyond redemption by singing three songs and a duet on my very first karaoke experience.  It was truly tragic.  What's worse is that we recorded everything, so now I know exactly how grim it was.  The only bright spot is the lack of hangover, which is miraculous.

My point is, I had nothing to post, except for these dreams that have been sitting around waiting for me to destroy my reputation for being the sort of person to not be that fricking drunk in public.  Enjoy.


I dreamed ...

that I was Kyle Richards' nanny. I was also having an affair with her husband, Mauricio Umansky (suh-woon).  But there was a problem - besides that he was an enormous, bouncing jackass - his tush was FAR larger than you'd think by just observing while he was in clothing - and it was covered in bright red stretch marks, as though he'd carried a mutant butt-baby.  This dream was really not fair.

that I kept getting phone calls on my cellphone giving me an offer for a jobs in Oklahoma and Kansas.  I kept saying, "I don't want to go to those places, what is making you people keep calling me?" and the same answer I got every time was, "probably the enemy."

that I was on a reality show which was ruled by a German robot who made us its dirt slaves.

that I was hiding under the coffee table in someone's livingroom ... when they came in to ask why I was under the coffee table, I told them it was because I couldn't fit under the couch.

that I was at an art museum playing an impromptu game of "Shun the Boys" and "Shun the Girls" (two different games, actually) and once the game was over, I started interviewing a bunch of small toys about what they thought of the game. None of them really wanted to comment, so I just started tapping the Matryoshka dolls on the head with my microphone and taunting the smallest ones for not having smaller dolls inside of them.

that because of some unknown thing I did to a child named Elian Archuleta, I needed to attend a grudge match and fight a stranger ... the precise way of atoning for what I'd done was to duct tape a picture of the boy to my right knee and show up at a Mexican fight club - but once I got there, I decided I'd much rather use an assumed name to steal an enormous moving truck with my husband. It was working out well, until the rednecks discovered our ruse.

that I decided to take a walk with a young female Sim to the graveyard, because that's where she wanted to age up.  There was an adult male Sim there who, once the girl aged up to a teenager, began trying to flirt with her. So I pulled out a blowtorch and tried to set him on fire.  I was aiming at his chest, but it was his feet which started to burn. Next, an adult female walked up to us and tried to set me on fire by poking me with a couple of tuning forks.

that I was at a gas station. I walked inside and said to the cashier, "I'll take $15 on number ..." then I had to crane my neck to see which pump my car was at.  While I was looking, the cashier said, "Three?" and I said, "no, eight.  I need $15 on eight."  So he handed me three ice cream drumsticks. I said, "no, I think I only want one of those, thanks." and he replies, "aren't you glad I didn't give them to you in millimeters?" and I giggled, put my hand out palm up and said, "come on, come on." and we both had a hearty laugh.  Then, I met Nick Drake and he became my boyfriend.

that I was a high-school student with aspirations of working for Lady Gaga - who just happened to be holding auditions at my school.  She was also posing as a normal student and when I figured this out, I expressed my desire to work for her in math class.  Seconds later, someone paraded a decoy Lady Gaga out to prove to me that I hadn't been talking to the real Lady Gaga, which I did not believe for a second.

Right before the auditions, I commented to my best friend Bunny Walker that I needed to work on "flying on my back" to which she replied, "what?! why?".  When I got to the audition, there were dozens of girls already there, and they were all wearing glitter eyeshadow - which is actually the most realistic part of this entire dream.

that I was in an unknown house, entering a basement bedroom to retrieve my laptop. I noticed that someone was on the bed, completely under the covers, so I tried to proceed quietly.  Next thing I know, the covers rustle, and a head pops out.  It's Leonard Nimoy, smiling.  He says, "What's up?  What's going on?" I replied, "I'm getting my laptop." He returns, "Are you sure that's your laptop? Mine looks a lot like yours." I looked at the laptop in my hand and then at the one still on the table.  "Oh, you're right," I said, switching the laptops, "mine has the name Jodi Sales etched into the lid."

that Mila Kunis was standing on my parents' driveway wearing shoes made from bird's nests.

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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I Play Sims (part35)

I'll bet you're all wondering what goes on after a wedding.  Well, I'll tell you.

The groom will end up flirting with a guest.

Things will get real.

Speaking of which...

Due to my completely inability to wrap this particular story up with a pretty, neat bow, how about you just check out some random pictures, and like it. Then we can get the hell out of here.

I Play Sims (part36)
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