that the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond punched a foot-and-half long cockroach for me.
that you had to kill rice before you ate it, and that I had a particularly aggressive batch, which I couldn't shut up about on Skype with my best friend Bunny Walker.
that I was an audience member on Conan who was picked to have John Krasinski stand behind her and do that comedic fake arm thing, while he wielded an ax.
that on the same occasion, Jenna Fisher remarked to me that Meryl Streep deserved to get hit in the eyeballs with a car door.
that it was Insult Day and my elderly female next-door neighbor strolled by as I was walking up to my house and shouted, "you're terrible in bed!" to which I replied, "that's not what they complain about!" We both chuckled, she called me a slut and I continued dragging my muddy sled into my front yard, at which point I declared, "I am Eva Mudlark!" then entered my house through the front window, nearly breaking a miniature desk which was sitting on top of my regular-sized desk.
Me: Would you hold a pig, like a baby pig?
Me: Would you smooch it?
Him: ... uh, I suppose if it was being charming enough. And if it was clean. I'd kiss a clean and charming pig.
Me: So. Am I not cleaner and more charming than a pig?
Him: I absolutely refuse to answer that.
Have you ever got bored enough to look for all of your old Google searches? I did. Ob-ser-uv.
|I needed to know. E. Studnicka is always talking about what her very hungry pet snail eats.|
|I probably should have already known the answer to both|
|I'm sure I just needed to know about the one.|
|Sometimes you need a delicious snack while looking at pictures of a childhood celebrity crush.|
|I'm sure these are unrelated.|
|I can multi-task. Meanwhile, what the snot is "club penguin"?|
|Their hamburgers are absolute garbage. But what do you expect from a frog.|
|I got super motivated one day and needed to know how to fix a leaky faucet |
as well as everything there is to know about slow-growing brain tumors.
|Grizzly Bear the band. I'm not actually obsessed with bears.|
|I gotta be honest, this is the type of thing I type into Google when I've had a few drinks.|
|I like Pilgrim Boy.|
|You done good.|