This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Blargh Tapas

I dreamed ...

that the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond punched a foot-and-half long cockroach for me.

that you had to kill rice before you ate it, and that I had a particularly aggressive batch, which I couldn't shut up about on Skype with my best friend Bunny Walker.

that I was an audience member on Conan who was picked to have John Krasinski stand behind her and do that comedic fake arm thing, while he wielded an ax.

that on the same occasion, Jenna Fisher remarked to me that Meryl Streep deserved to get hit in the eyeballs with a car door.

that it was Insult Day and my elderly female next-door neighbor strolled by as I was walking up to my house and shouted, "you're terrible in bed!" to which I replied, "that's not what they complain about!" We both chuckled, she called me a slut and I continued dragging my muddy sled into my front yard, at which point I declared, "I am Eva Mudlark!" then entered my house through the front window, nearly breaking a miniature desk which was sitting on top of my regular-sized desk.


Me: Would you hold a pig, like a baby pig?
Husband: Sure.
Me: Would you smooch it?
Him: ... uh, I suppose if it was being charming enough. And if it was clean. I'd kiss a clean and charming pig.
Me: So. Am I not cleaner and more charming than a pig?
Him: I absolutely refuse to answer that.

Have you ever got bored enough to look for all of your old Google searches? I did. Ob-ser-uv.

I needed to know. E. Studnicka is always talking about what her very hungry pet snail eats.
I probably should have already known the answer to both

I'm sure I just needed to know about the one.

Sometimes you need a delicious snack while looking at pictures of a childhood celebrity crush.
I'm sure these are unrelated.
I can multi-task. Meanwhile, what the snot is "club penguin"?
Their hamburgers are absolute garbage. But what do you expect from a frog.
I got super motivated one day and needed to know how to fix a leaky faucet
as well as everything there is to know about slow-growing brain tumors.
Grizzly Bear the band. I'm not actually obsessed with bears.
I gotta be honest, this is the type of thing I type into Google when I've had a few drinks.
I like Pilgrim Boy.


You done good.


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Tuesday, June 18, 2013

I Play Sims (part58)

I'm glad to see Suri's remained at King Travis' place to keep him company and show him her eyeballs.
"Stop. You had me at ... just stop."
"Why is it always about your eyeballs! Other people have eyeballs too!"
"Alright, okay ... jeez. Let's look at your eyeballs."
"No. Let's just rub butts together like we always do."

I really, really want to know what's happening at home. What's going on here? Someone tell me quick.
Alright, Ms. Chase, I get it. You're still stuck to the floor of the den and you're frustrated.
But that's no reason to threaten Frida with endless pictures of puppies biting other puppies.

For one thing, it's just agitating the hell out of Robert Wilson and he doesn't even know who to lash out at next.
He's even pranking the sink on his father, and as debonairly as Logan's handling it, I can't say he particularly enjoys it.
"Logan. Is this your puddle?"
"Now do I look like a man who has time for puddling up the kitchen?"
He's right. There's puddling to do next to buildings, whilst hiding in some shrubbery.
It's a whizz-bang disguise, too. You'll never be found.
Goosed by a stranger - well, that's been known to happen.
But your secret location?  Still very safe.
You know, you've been working too hard, Logan. You deserve a makeover.
Oh good, you agree.
But what shall you change? I mean, you're perfect!

Oh, this was a superb idea.
Although, I would not have predicted a mullet with a crystal ball.
The Nehru jacket's back - must be time for prom. Calm down y'all, save something for the run into the building.
Chess? Gee, I hope you brought a condom.
...when you dip, he dips, y'all dip...
I Play Sims (part59)
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Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Deeming Eligibility

My favorite male blogger Greg just got an invitation to be included in the 2013 Edition of Worldwide Registry for Business Professionals and of course, he responded appropriately. When I groused to him that I wished I'd also been deemed eligible, he forwarded the original invitation to me, so's I could contact them directly to let my feelings about the exclusion be known.

What follows is the correspondence I sent:

Well, hello there MICHAEL -

This is a fine how don't you do. Why am I always last picked for the kickball team? I can kick a ball. I've been kicking balls since you were a blastocyst and don't you doubt that for a moment - I have the perfect toes for it.

You have made a massive error in over-looking me for your 2013 Edition of Worldwide Registry for Business Professionals. Do you have any idea of what I'm capable? Allow me to educate you.

1. I give the best business hugs in the universe. You couldn't prove otherwise if you tried. I always win a hug.

2. I know precisely how much pressure to exert no matter what the task - be it holding a briefcase handle, typing a memorandum outlining the intricacies of office kitchen etiquette, or kicking open a door because I'm carrying two piping hot cups of coffee and a double-iced bear claw because my assistant took the day off to balm her husband's haunches.

3. My blazers are legendary.

4. I can answer the living frig out of a business call. When my phone's not ringing off the hook because my assistant took the day off to shop for her prank gum and novelty felt, I will answer my colleague's phones as I pass by their office. I always win a phone call.

5. If you have a problem, yo - I'll solve it.

So you might just want to go ahead and inform your Director about my vast qualifications. I assure you that he'll want to halt production of the registry so I can not only be included, but also have my photograph published on the cover as an example to everyone.

I've attached a picture of myself for use. 

Your future boss,


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Tuesday, June 4, 2013

I Play Sims (part57)

I want to have two birthdays in a row again!

Hell yeah! Let's get evil.

Yes, yes - gather round. The age transition is nigh.
I give up on your seed, Logan.
I mean, this kid is already being extra weird.
But to her credit, she figured out where Rachel's been getting her crazy hats.
Alright, Logan - it's your turn to get older. You're going to be an adult! Doesn't that sound fun as hell?!
Indeed, begin the incantation!
Choose your worst wishes!
Declare those who shall be cursed!
Let loose your birthday howl!
Give voice to your darkest fears!
Flip yourself the bir--wait. That doesn't seem right.
Just as I suspected. All this partying has started breaking y'all.
I hope that's your slice, Logan.
Ms. Chase is still stuck in the den. I suspect it's starting to depress her.
I know her work clothing is starting to depress me.
Aha. Potty training. It separates the men from the boys.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with this stressful time.
Frida, for example, goes downtown and discusses art with the hardwood.
Rachel gets naked in public. No big whoop.
Poppy retreats to her garden and paints all of the tomatoes grey.
Suri visits King Travis to see if he's still hungry. (Spoiler alert: he's hungry each and every time.)
Logan has more than one method for dealing with stress - including standing in wet laundry ...
... challenging Rachel to wrathful interpretive dance contests ...
... and my personal favorite, shoving his arm into a bush and raising one eyebrow at a butterfly.
While Ms. Chase simply continues her streak of standing in the den. Good work, you.

I Play Sims (part58)
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