This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Here is the blog tapas you ordered.

4-year-old: In Austin, the floors were soft and didn't have dust all over them. Here, the floor is hard and it has dust.

Me: Mmhmm.

4-year-old: In the future, we can go back to Austin.

Me: No sweetie, we can't go back to our old apartment, somebody else lives there now.

4-year-old: Why does somebody else live there?

Me: Uhh...

4-year-old: Because I will go there and I will kick them out. Hard.

Me: You're cute.

4-year-old: Then I will open the door up and tell them, "You can't live in Austin anymore!"


IM with my best friend Bunny Walker

Me: you have cute feet, though
Me: my MIL keeps trying to get me out for a pedicure and I'm like "MY FEEEET?! NO."

Her: Thanks. They are persistently troublesome. Dry toes. Friends keep trying to gift me pedis. Nooooooope.

Me: dry toes. that's hilarious
Me:may I flirt with you for a few seconds?

Her: Well alright.

Me: I have some really good lines I've been working on

Her: Hahaha

Me: "you smell like peaches and there is NOTHING wrong with your vagina."

Her: Whoa! That escalated quickly.

Me: "your crotch does not disturb"
Me: these could use some work

Her: Mmm hmm. Sooooo why are you practicing pickin up chicks?

Me: "may I poke it?"

Her: Jesus.

Me: I'm sorry, I'm just making myself laugh

Her: Ok, I gotta go back to being harassed by my home life. Luv u.

Me: I don't really want to poke your vagina


So this is what happens when you have to rip stuff out of magazines to make collages for your kid's homework.

Being from south Jersey, this gives me an inordinate amount of rage. HoagieS rolls? Philly style? No. NO.
They're split completely in half! I have never once had a hoagie on a roll that was split in half.
Fucking hoagies rolls.

Action Bishop sold separately.
I wasn't even aware I had a bubble problem to solve.

Here's how I've been annoying celebrities on Twitter:

submit to reddit
add to saved by 0 users

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

I Play Sims Asylum (part5)

Ahhhh. Back again.

I utterly agree, Greg. The fish tank makes a terrible television.
What's this now?
Are you actually trying to send Rev to wash the dishes? Honestly.
Yeah, I am so sure.
Havarti cheese and crackers with sweet/hot mustard! She's actually doing it!
Wait a tick. I think I see what's happening here.
Incantations! How do you like that shit, Husbro?
Guys. The laundry situation is getting skanky enough that even Husbro's taking a stand.
(Unless he's guarding it? It could be part of Rev's spell.)
It's so bad, Arthur Derrick is ready to barf on my chest.
Thank the Goddess, Eve to the rescue!
Argh! Bad, Eve! Bad! To the crate!
I guess I'll take a bath, instead of doing the laundry.
Except I broke it.
Sure, I could do a sermon - but it might be more efficient to call for repairs.
Scratch that. It's this fool again. Gather in prayer.
He's made his way inside, but yet ...
Wait for it ... I'm sure he'll figure out this isn't the broken tub eventually.
Eve's butt isn't the broken tub either, you creeper.
You know ...
... people really seem to be enjoying the trampoline.
But I suspect I may be enjoying it the most ...
... since it's the ultimate in Schadenfreude.
Whoa, watch out, Rev! Cory's flying at your ... whole body. With his whole body.
Not ... exactly what I expected. Is this a war squat?
Now there's thrusting and ... bulging.
I'm sure I have something I need to be doing elsewhere - but what was it?
Yep. That was it. I can mark it off my list now.

I Play Sims Asylum (part6)
submit to reddit
add to saved by 0 users

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The Popsicle Rant

I uploaded this video of me ranting about a misspelled and very crappy joke I found on my popsicle. If this sounds like an abnormal thing to do, you are not me. Whilst goofing around with the settings, trying to see if I could get myself to look less busted, I turned auto captions on to see what it would think I was saying.

For those unfamiliar with the auto caption feature on Youtube, basically it will automatically detect the language being spoken, then do its worst at guessing what's being said. It doesn't work on every video, for various reasons, none of which you care about, trust me.

When I turned the auto captions on, it would only give me captions in German. For one thing, it made me wonder why on earth it thought I was speaking German - other than the fact that my first sentence was "This ... makes me angry." At the same time it answered a question I didn't even need to know needed to be asked: exactly how drunk does Nico have to be for an invention to think she's speaking another language?

I set about translating the German captions only to find that I had a super power I wasn't aware of. I am apparently able to write German prose while speaking in English.

Let's take a look.

I'm sure it thought I wanted Fu-Schnickens.
Isn't everyone in Eastern Europe angry?
Everything. Just everything. I can feel it now.
Oh god, don't ask him, me.
His advice?

*sigh* "Just wipe your hands off and take a picture of this. You don't need to make a video of it."

Have he even ever met me?

If you were forced to have that giggle as your ringtone, you'd hunt me down and choke my shit up.
Well that escalated quickly.
In my universe, dinosaurs are zombies.
I'm sure they eat armpits in Eastern Europe.
Why the fuck am I so excited about a one-armpit-ed husband? He could ask William to buy a new armpit, though.
Back to the rant at hand, finally.
Yes, yes - this is important shit.
Lady, you can barely read this.
What-the-fucking indeed.
Mm-hm, angry. I think we've established that.
I can't.
At this point, I drop the camera and it takes quite awhile to get it under control again.

Him: Time to turn it off.
Me: *giggles like a moron* I am not a person to be trifled with!
More like an agent of the Pack Preposterous
I really need to stop using that word.
I'm in the struggle. Just look at those eyebrows.
Does anyone else just want to throw me into the bathtub?
and blotchy, don't forget blotchy.
Feel free to stop talking any time, me.
Not fucking in a bunch of rubble could improve your level of satisfaction.
Next time, I'm slapping some powder on that face.
Silver linings, etc
I seriously don't think Husband moved a single inch during this entire ordeal.
To answer your question, yes - I talked about that ding-dang popsicle for like, a week.
Eye roll therefore I am.
I still can't get used to seeing my nose from an angle I never see my nose. It's pretty huge.
Well, at least I'm aware of it.
Daddy like beer.
He doesn't say much in German, apparently. He doesn't have the gift.
"Drink, but not while eating popsicles with bad puns on the sticks."
At this point, I'd said, "letsgeww." (which is "let's go" in a south Jersey accent. Happens when I beer.)

Yeah, our kids will be fine.
submit to reddit
add to saved by 0 users