This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Monday, April 23, 2012

Title of Post

Welp, another Tuesday, another hastily assembled update. First, let's look at more Breaking Bad quotes-inspired motivational posters.

You don't want to? Go home. You're already home? Go to hell.

Junk mail!

Facebook ads!


I dreamed ...

that I was waxing a surfboard with a serious sense of urgency.

that when I couldn't find my shoes, someone suggested I wear backpacks on my feet.

that I was talking to a Mexican guy and kept shouting at him, "I eat your burrito!" while he shrugged at me.

that I kept going on business trips with former high school classmate/Facebook friend. During one meeting, where pizza that was cut into squares rather than triangular slices was served, this classmate insisted we eat from the middle to the outside edge, so that the grease wouldn't escape.

that I was walking up to a house in the middle of a junkyard with a friend, who was lagging behind.  I made it to the front stoop, where he caught up to me and informed me that some guy had just shook his hand and then ate yogurt with his finger. This was, according to my friend, some sort of redneck code for something.

Conversations with my husband!

Him: I used to be a hot dish, but now I'm a hot mess - help me Ove' Glove!

Me: I got my first "THIS!" on a message board.
Him: Huh? I don't know what that is.
Me: *explains*
Him. I hate the internet. But congratulations.

Him: ... wait - did you just say that a wild animal stole their rooster and nailed it to a tree?!
Me: No.

Me: I just realized this song is in French.
Him: ... uh ...?
Me: The song. I'm listening to. *gestures toward laptop & earbuds*
Him (relieved): Oh.

Me (touching face and hair): How am I such a greaseball so quickly?
Him: How are you such a ... faceball?

Me: Oooh, a line cook, that sounds fancy.
Him: Dare to dream.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I Play Sims (part38)

I need some Rachel. Whatcha up to, Rachel?

I Play Sims (part39)
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Monday, April 9, 2012

Agitated Andrew and Breaking Bad

Hey guys, I'm lazy and easily distracted. My most recent distraction is Breaking Bad (fanks, Logan). If you haven't seen it, you really need to, really really. If you have, keep ya trap shut, because I only recently started watching, and I'm only halfway through season three. If you spoil it for me, I'll give you the Crazy 8 treatment. I won't like it, but I will do it.

Let's agitate Andrew. It's fun. Here's our favorite rant-meister playing Left For Dead:

Since Breaking Bad is the reason I've forsaken you this week, I figured I could make you some Breaking Bad-themed motivational posters, based on quotes from the first three seasons. Enjoy! Or don't.

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Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Letters to Strangers (and my dumb face)

Welp, it's time for another letter to a stranger.  This time, I took the easy way out and simply let Mad Libs do most of the work for me.  It's a relatively short missive, but I feel it packs a wallop of absurdity. Here:

Since this was a rather short note, I thought I'd introduce you to an old hobby of mine, from my 9-5 days. Working in an office can be fraught with stress, especially while working in a secretary pool of about a dozen women, led by the alpha bitch of doom. I had to blow off steam somehow, and other than spending the day completely high on marijuana (just kidding! or am I? ahahahaha.) I liked to make photocopies of my face.  Some of them I kept, but occasionally I'd throw one into a personal and confidential envelope and leave it on a co-worker's desk. It always went over well.

As you'll see from the variations on the appearance of the photocopies, I had access to more than one copier.  The one in the reception area was the smallest, and rather heavy on the toner - which would often jam the machine up ... with a fucking photocopy of my face.  Most of my plans are that genius.


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