This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Hole

I don't quite understand why I watched The Hole. Netflix had it listed in the "witty movie" section and I'd forgotten for a moment how they lie. Also, not unlike this movie, I too have a mysterious hole that leads to nowhere which is full of unspeakable misery. But I didn't build it. Nobody built the hole.

Alright, let's get this over with. Single mom Susan (Teri Polo - she's that chick from that thing you saw) moves her two sons Dane (Chris Massoglia) and Lucas (Nathan Gamble) into an adorable rental house in a nice neighborhood because they are obviously running away from something we couldn't possibly figure out until they spelled it out like we're five and hard of understanding.

Almost immediately, the boys find a trap door in the basement, kept closed with several padlocks - and no sooner than you can bellow, "Someone give me a fricking Nutella sandwich!" mom finds a new boyfriend. She also seems more surprised than I was that her kids didn't immediately start knitting him Father's Day ties.

Did I mention the teenage girl next door? Her name's Julie (Haley Bennett) and her parents do not appear to exist. She is nearly an expert on what's cool - and according to her, what's cool is a gateway to hell under your house. And how! She does have one of the "wittiest" lines in the movie, which was something like, "stop looking at that and play, or go home and jump in your hole." Jump in your own hole, lady.

Anyway, the boys decide to explore the hole by throwing things into it. You know, stuff like rusty nails and a talking Cartman doll - the usual stuff people toss into pits. As you'd expect, this not only angers the hole monster, but also allows it to escape, since padlocks can hold the hole closed, but a freezer big enough to fit three or four dead bodies (depending) cannot.

I'm sure right now, you're as ready to hurl yourself into the hole as I was by the time single mom Susan leaves her sons alone for a couple of days with a wooden gaping maw in the basement for some sort of "hospital business trip". This is where things get predictable, except for the bow-legged clown. Nobody expects that.

Yadda, blah, ugh - the moral of this story is that you have only to shake a bony finger at your greatest fears and they will disappear back down into the nothingness that once spewed fresh heck right at your stupid face. Creepy Carl (Bruce Dern) didn't get that memo in time, unfortunately.

In summation, not enough people are dead at the end of this movie. On a scale of "I wanna refund!" to "passionate ovation", I'm going to have to give this movie a solid "murnph".
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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

I Play Sims (part56)

As one would expect, Suri is not at all pleased with the new baby, and chooses to express her
feelings by attempting to karate chop Logan right down the middle.
Looks like he working on a mighty retort.
This appears to be a very personal topic. Let's go check on the others.
Uh-oh, Stanley got sent to the corner. Let that be a lesson to you, young man.

Robert Wilson has donned his contemplation robe to ruminate on his imaginary best friend.
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Which puts him in the perfect mood to spend some time with his Aunt Frida on the backyard deck.

Poppy just got her first job and she is so! freaking! happy!
Honestly, have you ever witnessed someone quite this enthusiastically trying to choke themselves in their front yard?
Oh, you're getting good at this. Better lighting in here, too.
Meanwhile, when Logan's not getting so excited about the color green that he begins to rain ...
... or flirting with no one in particular ...
You might find him in the grass wearing a butterfly as a hat and hanging out with his favorite gnome. Word.
He can also be found spending a lot of time in the bathroom, sometimes with a measure of trepidation.
Good god, what did you do?
Sometimes, he's not alone in the bathroom.
Now and then, he's better off left alone. This one might be a draw, Logan. I'll leave you to it.
Suri's taken up skulking.
Not to mention, making her thoughts about colors known through mild flooding, as well.
This has necessitated more carpet mopping than usual, but at least it's keeping Rachel out of trouble.
In fact, when Ms. Chase got herself stuck to the floor of the den and isn't budging for nothing ...
... Rachel is so tuckered out, she hasn't even thought to protest.
Although, Poppy is bursting with enough energy to protest anything, large or small - including Logan's face.
However, all of this pales in comparison to what's going to happen next.
It may be a long and arduous process, but Robert Wilson's imaginary friend is about to become a real Sim!
You might want to get comfortable, I'm not even kidding.
We are going to be here awhile. Forever, even.
Juuuuuuust waiting.
Fer real, it takes a shocking amount of time.

Finally. Hey, it's a girl. Now, what have we learned about girls?
That's right. They are evil and you must conquer them with hand-holding.

I Play Sims (part57)
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Monday, May 13, 2013

Letters to Strangers (Zachary)

It feels like it's been forever since I wrote one of these. It would be really super rad if someone came here to yell at me about receiving one. Ever. I'm looking at you, Zachary.


Oh, but first I want to thank Jennifer B., Thomas L., Bridget C., Andi E. V. & Eve S. for the ideas. Sometimes I'm just not good with the ideas.

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Tuesday, May 7, 2013

I Play Sims (part55)

Oh my god, I love birthday parties!
The evil wishes, the maniacal laughter and taunts ...
... the war cries ...
... that moment when everyone gets real super serious about nothing ...
... and the weeping of the betrayed - that's the best part.
In fact, let's have another party right away. I just can't wait.
The costume changes! (two thumbs way up, Poppy.)
The declarations! The arm through your head! (you okay, Rach?)
The facing of the wall! (guess not)
Stanley's face when he realizes he has to choke down a 2nd slice of cake the size of Logan's head!
The transformation!
The apologetic shrugs!
The laughter! The shark tooth necklace! The lurking of the imaginary friend!
The ritual stretching dance of the imaginary friend!
Even more lurking! Because lurking!
But there's more to life than just birthday parties and cake.
For one, learning that Robert Wilson's formal wear is a nehru jacket. That's pretty special.
Plus, Poppy's finally graduated high school!
Which is the perfect opportunity for more weeping of the betrayed.
Actually, I haven't found a bad occasion for this. Tears go with everything.
Poppy's finally hit a rebellious phase, and has done this to her head.
Well, at least it's not a shark tooth necklace.
Logan's not only discovered that facials are a touchy subject for Suri ...
... but also that his pregnant paramour lives with flies.
Lots of flies. And rotting food. Probably unrelated.
I guess they're too busy walking around with bags of laundry to get anything else done.
Completely understandable that you'd want to invite her back to the house in her condition.
It's just a shame she had to go into labor immediately.
And right after this sweet moment when you gave Stanley his first cane!
But that's no reason to make her drive, Logan.
Nor is it appropriate to challenge her to a race outside the hospital.
Kayla? Oh dear. Who picked that name?
Oh well, meet baby Kayla.
Glad to see you've wasted no time twirling her over your head, Logan.
Seconds before depositing her on the floor, and going straight the hell home. Father of the year.

I Play Sims (part56)
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