This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I Play Sims (part61)

When last we left the Rosenzweigs, Logan had just attempted to burn the whole damned house down.

Pregnant Suri decided to do the cleanup ...

... right after yelling at Logan so ferociously, he began to hear shapes ...
... and taste the movement of butterfly wings.
Once Poppy extinguished her toosh, she decided to accept an invitation to a late-night date by some dumpsters.
They discussed such things as the moon and how it makes them bonkers ...
... until her date left, and she just stood there eating all the fruit she found in her pockets.
While Poppy was back alley gallivanting, this shit happened -
and even without corporeal form, Stanley's still kvetching about the stereo.
It was a truly tragic scene, until Stanley whips out his cane to threaten that whippersnapper grim reaper.
Shame that only Grimmy seems impressed with Stanley's performance.
Naturally, the day hasn't been strange enough, so Stanley pops right back to life. These Rosenzweigs refuse to die.
I'm now fully convinced this game is trying to give me a bleeding ulcer.
That's right, Suri, karate chop that clown. Does she have to do all the heavy lifting around here?
Logan, quit harassing Rachel about how bikes sound purple and get cleaned up for your son's birthday.
Robert Wilson can't smooch his cake without everyone there to watch.
You're a young adult now!
Alright, everyone grab a slice of cake before he gets his chest hair all over it.
Sit down, y'all. Logan has a speech to make about how houses taste like the smell of triangle.
Uh-oh. Robert Wilson and Poppy are pretending to be far too busy eating from empty plates to listen.

And Suri refuses to indulge your tomfoolery.
Don't look so offended, now.
I mean, Suri shoves phones down your girlfriend's face hole almost every time she asks.
And nobody gives you a hard time about how she's always showing them the weird fetish pictures she has on her phone.
Now that we have that settled, I think we have some Stanley senses tingling. Any ideas what it could be?
Boulders in the washing machine?
Well I don't know! Who can figure out what Stanley means half the time anyway.
His mind is inscrutable, always laughing at birthday cakes, swinging his cane at death ...
... dating an immortal girl who swans around in a nightgown and saddle shoes.
Who even wants to try to decipher that happy horseshit?
Oh hay. You had your baby. Can we name him Charlie?
Yeah, he looks like a Charlie. What are you doing, by the way?
Well, sure. Why give this one any special treatment.

I Play Sims (part62)
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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Blue Valentine

I hope you know that I love each and every one of you with the sort of sweet, sticky, inappropriate devotion that can only come from a person who writes for a handful of strangers on the internet. That said, I don't think you experience nearly enough abject misery, which is why I bring you Blue Valentine.

It's hard to feel any one distinct way about this film. It's like eating the best meal of your life, whilst being verbally abused by your closest friend. The only way to torment yourself more would be to watch Blue Valentine right before watching Melancholia, and then cap the movie marathon off with clips of suffering baby animals, while drinking too much Kamchatka vodka. Have a nice morning after. Might I suggest the Egg McMuffin?

Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams star as Dean and Cindy, a working-class couple living in Pennsylvania. Their story is told through flashbacks while they live out a couple miserable days in the present, with their daughter Frankie (Faith Wladyka).

Dean is portrayed as an affectionate, fun-loving under-achiever, while Cindy is your garden-variety ball-hammering shrew. I've tried to figure out why these two aren't able to get along anymore and other than putting all the blame on Cindy and her inability to accept love from someone who's not screaming insults about her meatloaf, the only conclusion I've reached is that as they matured, their relationship did not grow with them.

But really, present-day Cindy is just a simmering, soul-crushing hemorrhoid - which I say without possessing even a hint of a scorching case of the hungry hots for Ryan Gosling.

Blue Valentine is about a relationship, that although begins with love at first sight, never steps into the realm of the candy-coated land of the everlasting cuddlebuddles. It assaults you with every aspect of the excitement and gorgeousness of all the great relationship-beginnings you've had, then immediately bashes you over the innocent, tender head with how much the world just hates you and your love so very, very much. It does. The universe just loathes you. Don't try to figure out why, you'll never get your answer. Oh god, I promised myself I wouldn't cry. Anyway.

If this film hadn't been made so beautifully, I wouldn't have watched it several times. You never see anyone "acting" and the conversations feel spontaneous and real. When Michelle Williams eats that donut, it makes you want a donut. When you learn that Dean is supposedly from Florida, yet speaks with an northeastern accent, it makes you want a donut.

Watch it, because I can't suffer alone.
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Tuesday, July 9, 2013

I Play Sims (part60)

Oh, go ahead and guess what's afoot now. I dare you.

Alright, who was in the shower last? I highly doubt Logan just blue himself.

Two Arrested Development references in a row? Come on!
Oh, Suri. Did you have to get pregnant again? Couldn't you have just started a new
hobby or gotten yourself all jammed up in a corner with your family?
Calm it down, Logan. For a change it's not one of yours.
Oh dear. Poppy's having her own reaction to the news. Punching yourself doesn't just affect you, fyi.
While I agree that your work blazer is heinous, ripping your breasts off is probably not the solution to that issue.
Perfect, now Darryl's stalking around the yard. Meanwhile, I have no idea why the middle section
of steps acts like it's from a well-lit alternate dimension, Darr-darr. It's driving me bananas, too.
But, it's no reason to get so emotional. Do I need to install a Valium salt lick on the dang porch?
And now Rachel's farting fire?
Oh my god, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Guys, the stereo? seriously? We'll have it repaired. You need to focus, immediately.
This is just terrible. Even Logan has a squinch on. Someone get me a vodka.
Good LORD. I forgot you even had that thing, Rachel.
This better be the end of the drama for today, I can't even stand it.
Congratulations, Rachel. This is the first time a martial arts pose makes perfect sense.
Stanley, I can't even address why you're holding your cane like that. We need a snack.
Where's Logan? We could have him to grill us something ridiculously phallic.
What? Were they out of the super enormous hot dogs?
Of course. You're such an expert.
What say you get that broken stereo fixed?
Exploding your clothing off is an unconventional method, but what do I know about electronics repair?
You know, it wouldn't kill you to look a little less pleased with yourself.
I don't like that hell-forsaken stereo any more than y'all do.
We are all going to totally die unless at least one of you stops throwing tantrums.
Now a person is on fire. I need a nap. This is beyond.
Logan, if you don't shut up about the stereo, I am going to dismantle it into charred bits and feed it to you.
I Play Sims (part61)
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