This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Blog Tapas AGAIN?!

Yes, again ... and you'll be grateful for it, because not everyone has their very own trained blog-monkey to keep their amusement levels within optimum range.

First, I need to say thank-you to one of the sweetest people I've met on the Sims 3 fan page, Chloe. Just before my old laptop decided it was done living, she gifted me every item I had on my Sims 3 Store wish list. I did a little re-decorating at the Rosenzweig home and added five of the nine objects she gave me.


Now, let's get down to business and have a chat about scam spam. At first I thought these things were posted by fake accounts, but much to my sighing eyeroll, I've realized that real people think this stuff works and voluntarily spam this crap on walls and fan pages - and these people don't seem to like when you point out that they probably shouldn't be allowed to use the internet unsupervised.

Next, we have the confused and indignant. Yes, they're in a search for information and you will give them the answers they seek without any lip. Forget about the fact that they're on the same internet you are and sometimes can't be troubled with such things as spelling correctly or making sense. Or using Google ... or making sure they're even on the right page. Did I mention they don't want any sass out of you? Good.

Here is a pretty standard example of the type of trolls the Sims 3 fan page attracts:

This ... I can not explain:

If you don't know what's going on below, see if putting your finger in your belly button while staring at this sheds some light on it ... and no, I won't smell your finger.

You wanna know what this Sims story is? IT'S WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS! So read and follow - or you'll all get the woozies. Think I'm kidding? Try me.

Did you know that reading my Sims story can make you smarter and better looking? Yeah, that's a lie. Read it anyway. It'll protect you from black magic.

It's not a surprise, but it is a Sims story. I wrote it with my own two fingers. The other ones weren't allowed to watch, because they'd been bad. I don't want to talk about it. BUT IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, WILL IT?

New update, for those who already read my Sims story! For those who haven't even heard of me ... where have you BEEN? We're on part 23 already! Dick Vitale called, he said you're missing the game, baby!

If you've never read my Sims story you've never been in touch with the magic I infuse into every story. I do it for you, kittens. Magic infusion is hard work, and it stains the fingers, and cripples the back. I look like an angry dwarf right now, and even though that has nothing to do with writing these stories, you should still read them.

New update, for those who were desperately waiting! For those who are staring blankly, thinking, "who the eff is that?" I'll tell you. I'm Nico. I'm the answer to your prayers. I write a Sims story so funny that after you read it, you'll wonder if it actually ever existed. Either that, or I'm an egotistical twerp who should have gone to bed an hour ago. Perspectives.

I heard a rumor that I am actually an alien sent from another planet, bent on destroying earth. That's just silly. I would never want to destroy earth, you have such nice chocolates here, and your reality television is unsurpassed on Dirlani 5. Now that I've set your mind at ease, go read my Sims story. It's an inter-galactic good time.

My Sims story is many things, including, but not limited to: laughy, pictureful, sometimes y. Things that my Sims story isn't: corn-flavored, cream-filled, Spanish-speaking, hyphenated, lactose-intolerant, sitting on my knee, a She-wolf, killing me softly. Read and follow, because I said so.


Last but not least, Facebook ads!

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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I Play Sims (part26)

Before we get started, I wanted to introduce you to our latest, tiniest & slightly unknown Nicomo, Miss Denim Rose. She had some technical difficulties and wasn't able to get a larger picture, but let's not punish her for that. What counts is that she's clearly a little insane and wrote my name on her head, and that's why she should be punished.

Trust me, the name is there. I can feel it.


Today is the very momentous event of Rachel's birthday party where she turns from an adult to elder - and it looks like Suri is checking herself out in the living room mirror, reflecting on the festivities to come.

Oh good, it looks like guests have started arriving.

Only two people brought food.

Ooh, look - Darryl's introducing himself to Suri ...

Well, whatever he said hit the mark, because Suri looks quite interested.

Looks like Bill Racket is the new object of derision, at least for Stanley.

Meanwhile, what's going on in the background with Rachel? It looks like she's tearing up the deck with weird guy (formerly weird teenager & weird kid) - Matrix-style.

Wow. Who knew?
Suri's inspired and decides she wants to dance with Darryl - but she has one important question first.

Don't answer that, Suri. It's a trap. Or a trick. It's been a long time since I dated, don't listen to me.

Uh-oh, it looks like Notzo Curious - someone who doesn't live here, at least the last time I checked - thinks it's time for cake. Well it must be time for cake, then.

Come on, Rachel - choose your wish.

Ah, the candles are out. Nothing left to do but wait ... for doom.

Thank god, the transformation is nigh.

Yup. That's to be expected. It's a party. Looks like Darryl thinks it's a great one. By the way, the guy who just died - that's another one of Rachel's old bosses, Doug Downey - remember this cat?

Does it continue? Oh yeah. But let's leave something for next time, yes?

I Play Sims (part27)

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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Rich Rant & Nicomos

Before we get to my rant, I wanted to introduce you to the first official Nicomo: The Classic Awesome

She painted my name on her forehead just for my very own amusement.  Hell yeah, you go girl, etc. If that's not a steadfast devotion to nonsense, I don't know what is.  So, who's next?

Now, for the Rich Rant:


Are you rich?  Do boat loads of coin spew from your ass like endless fountains of legal booty tender?  Do you like to spend your aforementioned wampum on pointless things like those little red string Kabbalah bracelets or shit from SkyMall?  Alright, do whatever the hell you want with it.

However, after informing me that your wedding will cost half a million dollars, do not sit there with a straight fucking face and tell me that you're having a "green" wedding.  I happen to know for a fact that if I hit you with a sock full of quarters, I will get arrested, and a solid facial blow with a sock full of quarters is the only appropriate response to a hammerhead like you who thinks that spending a few thousand dollars on recycled paper for their reception menu cards makes their wedding "green".

Hey, jackass.  Recycling paper eats up resources.  A truck comes to pick up paper for recycling, and that truck isn't fueled by your self-satisfaction.  Once the paper gets to the facility, it's processed by machines that again, aren't fueled by dreams of a better tomorrow.  The recycled paper also has to be cleaned of ink, which isn't accomplished with non-polluting fairy dust.  The point I'm laboring to make is that your absurd over-priced recycled paper menus aren't the magical solution this planet has been crying out for. 

So wipe that smug look off your face.

I don't care how many god damned soy candles, or locally sourced food stuffs you have at your reception, it's not going to make up for the ungodly amount of resources the rest of your party is sucking directly from the teat of your precious Mother Earth.  Let's talk about that honeymoon - how exactly are you getting there?  I kinda doubt it's in Fred Flinstone's car, courtesy of your two feet - so that's another tick in the box for "only green when it's convenient/satisfying/fashionable," no?

If you actually cared that much about the planet, you wouldn't be casually consuming the resources whole villages could survive on, every single day.  You don't even have the decency to just be a person who has more money than they need, who spends it any way they damned well please - one could actually have some respect for that kind of person, because they're not looking for something external to legitimize what they do.  No, you have to engage in pointless, ineffectual feel-goodery.  You want applause for your consumption - and with as little effort as possible, since you can hire someone else to do the grunt work for you.

So listen, I'll soil my Underoos for you going green as soon as you carrier pigeon me a handwritten letter from your yurt in Oregon.  Until then, I'll hold my applause while you go soak your stupid head.
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Monday, August 15, 2011

Oh, Militant Working Boy ....

Her name is Frida Brando.
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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I Play Sims (part25)

When we last left the Rosenzweig family, they'd just lived through a house fire and the death of the Stanley's & Suri's father, Lenny Smith-Jones.  Not long after his passing, Rachel got the call that her old boss, friend and swimming companion Wei Keane had died as well.  Rachel makes a very sad trip to the mausoleum to collect their remains.

Rachel chooses a quiet corner of her property to place Lenny's headstone, and doesn't waste a minute before she gets to mournin'.
Along with practicing martial arts on her lawn, Rachel continues to devote the bulk of her free time to her newest hobby: inventing at her work bench, al fresco.
But first, Rachel needs to collect scrap metal from the local junk yard.

Make haste! To the workbench!

Don't pontificate, Stanley.  Put your mother's butt out.

Okay, that looked kind of fun.

Walk it off, Rachel. It's time for work.

Why don't we just go see what Suri and Stanley are getting up to ...

That actually makes me wonder what those two dream about.

And there's no stopping Rachel from pulling martial arts poses, whether she's waiting for a friend to answer the door, or just grabbing the mail after work.

Speaking of abnormal ...

Rachel's on her way to meet her new neighbor, Darryl Fünke - he's just moved in down the street, with Julienne Knack.

With that, Rachel heads straight home to get a little inventing done at her workbench.

I Play Sims (part26)

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