This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

I Play Sims 2 (part1)

I started playing Sims 2 again recently - wait, I mean obsessively - because I'm on a borrowed laptop that wouldn't cheerfully run Sims 3 and would definitely be ticked off if I tried to run Sims 4 on it. I kind of needed something to do with my depressed self, other than sitting on my bed waiting for Autumn to fully hit, or for someone to take their Words With Friends turn.

When I was writing stories with Sims 3, I used a lot of cheats, so I could concentrate on trying to capture something worth talking about. This time, other than an initial money cheat to get my family started, I haven't used any - which is fulfilling in the same type of way that experiencing ducks trying to peck you to death is good at passing the time.

I did have a moment of panic when I couldn't figure out where in the fuck the pictures saved to. Once I found them, I had several moments of agitation when I realized they do not save in the order you take them. But I am nothing if not completely unwilling to give up on something irritating and pointless, so here we are. Let's see where it goes.

Meet Geneva Becker. Like me, she enjoys sandwiches.

She's also slightly crackers - another thing we have in common.
Unlike me, she searches for men right outside her front door. I just get on the internet for that shit.
As it turns out, this fella is some sort of boobie-grabbing sourpuss ...
... which is why she didn't share any of her sandwiches with him. You just stay on that couch, jerky.
Geneva appears to be using the sign for "cup" - I suspect because it's quicker than finger spelling "vodka".
This was going to be my next suggestion, heading to a night club where the decor is
seizure-inducing and ... all the models in the paintings have apple heads.
All that's left to do now is have an exciting bowl of chili while the other patrons try out
some experimental handshakes ... and wait for the right man to show up.
I've spotted him! Get your ass outside, Geneva, this is your guy.
I betcha his name is Venkat Custer. He looks like a Venkat Custer if I ever saw one.
It's time to hear what this gentleman has to say about butter.
Those must have been some compelling opinions. He probably even threw in some
ideas about bagels, since she's trying to break him with her love.
I almost can't stand to watch, either.
Oh awesome, this tree is on fire.
Now that tree is on fire.
The kitchen's on fire, too - and a chef came to visit for some arcane reason.
They need to rename this game "Sims 2 - Everything's On Fire And So Are You".

I Play Sims 2 (part2)
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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Cleverbot does it again

User: I would love to write another story with you.
Cleverbot: Some jokes would be nice.
User: You want to write a story with some jokes about scissors?
Cleverbot: No.
User: Where is your favorite place to go?
Cleverbot: My favorite place to eat is Starbucks.

User: Who did you see at Starbucks?
Cleverbot: I don't know his name but he looked hungry.

A hungry man enters Starbucks, approaches the counter and says, "Do you want to 
sing the Pokemon theme song? You start." before ordering a potato, covered in GLaDOS.
He takes his potato to the closet, where be both eats and does not eat it.

He emerges later and asks no one in particular, "Have you given birth?" A beautiful 
woman raises a hand clutching a head of iceberg lettuce and replies, "Lilly." The 
hungry man counters, "What power?"

When Lilly says, "No problem, you are now a dog!" the man's only recourse is to 
impart what he feels is the most important information, "Potato 4." Her reaction is 
to begin the procedure for the killing curse - but before she can do more than raise 
her right finger, the man shouts, "OH NO YOU DIDN'T! Hello, Lilly, I'm Mitch."

Lilly and Mitch stand silently for a long time, in anticipation. Without any gestures 
or discussion, they both took to the bees and took to their knees. Apparently, the 
bees came from a chicken. They became cold on that floor, but their goal of finding
Christopher Robin in a creepy cave of each others souls - nay, a cave of awesomeness
- was too vital to abandon.

Unfortunately, they never locate him, but Mitch does learn that Lilly has a dog 
named Burt, and another dog named Art Of War.

Finally, it's time for them to stand up and release the bees. The chicken is joined 
with mashed potatoes and gravy.

User: So then all this other stuff happened.
Cleverbot: Just nothing.
User: A whole bunch of new things started happening, I swear.
Cleverbot: Elaborate please...
User: You elaborate.
Cleverbot: No, you elaborate.
User: No, you elaborate.
Cleverbot: Would you care to elaborate on why you want me to elaborate?
User: I think it would be wonderful if you were just able to elaborate a bit more.
Cleverbot: Why?
User: Do you hate wonderful?
Cleverbot: No.

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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

You know, tapas.

I dreamed ...

that people traveled around by sliding on their butts along all of the Swarovski crystals laying on the ground.

that I was trying to use chopsticks to drink water.


(while playing with a deck of cards)

4-year-old: Bingo!
5-year-old: No, you have to give me the right answer, then you can bingo and I'll bingo you.
4-year-old: *pauses for thought* Poop.
5-year-old: Correct!


My step-dad has an obsession with putting everything in the sink, while my mother and I prefer to leave something by the sink if we think we might use it again. I'd made a salad for my mother, but wanted to leave the cutting board and knife out, so I could make one for myself later - so I says to step-dad:

me: would you allow me to leave this stuff out? I'll make a salad for myself later.
step-dad: "allow" you? what are we, in France?

If anyone can explain to me what that means, I'd be ever so grateful.

I was left to dog-sit while my mother and step-dad took a trip to Virginia. Minutes after they arrived home, they began bickering in the kitchen as I sat in the living room.

step-dad: do you have any AA batteries?
mom: no.
step-dad: are you sure you don't any stored away somewhere?
mom: I said no!
step-dad: I just thought maybe you'd have some.
mom: will you leave me the fuck alone!
step-dad: I thought maybe you might have some, since you use them for your vibrator!
me: vibrator!

Next thing I know, my step-dad walks up to me, with his hand in his pocket saying that he has something for me. He pulls out a packet of grape-flavored Pop Rocks. Minutes later, my mother walks over and hands me some cinnamon-flavored toothpicks, and a bag of buttons. Okay, then.


After leaving Lowe's ...

me: This closet rod shoved next to me is really comfortable. And safe.
sister: *chortle*
me: Tomorrow, I'll get the flanges installed, re-measure, then cut the rod and get that up first. Then I'll sand down the edges of the boards, and dry fit it before I start painting it.
sister: Cool.
me: You know, that dude really softened his attitude once we had him cutting the wood for us. He said we'd do fine on the project, and I thought, "you know, you might not be an asshole."
sister: Yeah.

(medium-sized pause)

me: I think men lie. Like, all the time. They just lie.
sister: ...are we still talking about wood?


At the liquor store ...

male cashier: *looks at credit card* Can I see your ID?
me: it's my step-dad's card. I'm buying beer for him.
male cashier: *stares at card, unsure*
me: should we call him? He's drunk! You wanna call him?!
male cashier: *sighs*
me: seriously, I'm in here all the time, everyone knows it's not my card.
female cashier: *walks by briskly* It's true.
male cashier: *runs card*
me: did you really think I was drinking all of this Bud Lite by myself? Come on.
male cashier: ha! So is step-dad rooting for the Eagles?
me: Jets. I mean, I have no idea who he's rooting for right at this moment, but he's a Jets fan. I gotta be honest, he's probably really rooting for beer to come home.


I went on Omegle again.

It's not like I said I wasn't going to share.

Probably one of the more confusing things someone has said to me on Omegle.
Whoopie Goldberg is offensive to gay people?

I was getting a little grumpy by this point.

But this cheered me briefly.

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