This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Clearly, it's dire

I've been sitting in the darkest corner of my darkest room, writing in my most serious diary with the pen that doesn't have anything cute hanging off the end of it.  I sigh approximately and exactly every three minutes.  I've only been eating sadcakes, refusing anything with awesomesauce and I've totally stopped showering*.  I've scoured the internet for the most comfortless, disquieting song I could find - and let me tell you, I've been more successful than I ever imagined possible - the lyrics actually have anything to do with nothing, but since when does a good, old-fashioned state of ennui have to make sense?

*Let's face it, I never do this anyway.

I listened to it twice in a row, and my husband had to smack a bottle of pills right out of my hand just seconds before I tossed its contents into my mouth.  I don't even remember how the pills got there.

In all seriousness, I didn't mean to sound grim with my last post.  I am 90% sure I will make it.  If I don't, Hammersmark will divide my belongings among the rest of you after she's done taking what she wants.

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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Nico's dark days

I actually don't feel like talking about it, which is weird for me since I almost never shut up.  There's really not much to say, except that when I feel like this it's like ... one of those German words that means two different things at once.  Figure that the fuck out for yourself.

You don't need to speak German to enjoy this.  The first lines are, "I burn my studio, sniff the ashes like cocaine. I strike dead my gold fish, bury it in the yard. I blow up my apartment, let go of everything I have."

If that's not a good time, I've never had a good time.  
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Thursday, April 21, 2011


Today we're going to talk about Dune. Or rather, I'm going to talk about it and you're going to zip your lips and take it like a man.

I love this movie. It has everything an awesome science fiction film needs: interplanetary politics and plots of betrayal, heroes and villains, witchcraft and prophecy, drugs, violence, monsters - and most importantly - shit that makes absolutely no sense at all and seems to exist only to confuse or disturb you.

The story begins with an explanation. Princess Irulan (Virginia Madsen) - the daughter of the Emperor of the Known Universe - appears, disappears and reappears for no known reason while telling us about the spice Melange, an addictive substance which extends life, expands consciousness - and for heavy users, makes it possible to fold space - which, if you're in a rush comes in quite handy ... as long as you don't mind living in a giant orange spice gas-filled tank because you've mutated into a 3rd stage Spacing Guild Navigator.

I don't think it's all that horrible, I've seen them fold space and it looks like it involves vomiting laser balls.
Some people just call that Monday morning.

The storyline of Dune is fairly intricate - to put it simply: Everybody wants the spice, but it can be found on only one planet - Arrakis - and it's got sandworms bigger than cruise ships all over it. The Fremen are native to Arrakis, and when they're not waiting around for the arrival of their prophesied messiah to lead them to freedom from outside control due to spice mining, or feeling pretty special about their eyes, my guess is that they're patting themselves on the back for inventing a suit you can poop in.

"I'm thirsty."  "Right - about that..."

Meanwhile, the Bene Gesserit witches are getting their headdresses twisted about the fact that Lady Jessica (Francesca Annis) broke the rules and bore a son to Duke Leto Atreides (J├╝rgen Prochnow), jeopardizing centuries of carefully planned breeding in an attempt to create the Kwisatz Haderach - which has got to be one fucking adorable cat, so I see where they're coming from. That son is named Paul (Kyle McLaughlin) and it's entirely possible he's fairly important to something plot-wise, but he is so cute I keep getting forgetting bank ruffle bike lock clam.

Back at the home of the Emperor of the Known Universe, Emperor Shaddam (Jose' Ferrer) hatches a plot with Baron Harkonnen (Kenneth McMillan), the current Melange master: Duke Leto will be put in charge of spice mining, but only for the purpose of sabotage.  Nobody ever goes with a simple plan.

Those are just the basics, but what else about this movie rocks steady?  I'm glad you asked.

~Sandworm surfing
~Boxes of pain
~Having a name that's a killing word (which is also the name of a mouse-shaped shadow on a moon)
~Bug-squishin' juice boxes
~Bene Gesserit witches who can control people by making their voices sound like my mother after someone has taken the last cup of coffee without making another pot.
~Tooth bombs
~Sean Young (as Chani) using her bottom teeth to act
~The reason you should never, ever drink the Water of Life while you're pregnant:

You should hear her voice.

~The line: "If we walk without rhythm, it won't attract the worm." is used in the Fatboy Slim song Weapon of Choice, which has an undeniably awesome video:

(you can hear the line around 2:10)

~Baron Harkonnen - there is nothing about him that is not truly horrifying. He is corrupt, evil, covered in sores and boils and appears to lust after his own nephew, Feyd Rautha (Sting). He is so bizarrely sadistic that he murders people for absolutely no reason, while carressing them lovingly. After a failed assassination attempt, he asks if he is alive and once informed that he is indeed, still living, he throws what looks like a ham sandwich against the wall and floats away cackling - which is how he actually spends most of his time: flying around, being noisy.
In short, Harkonnen is awesomesores.
Further proof that Harkonnen is everything I say he is: he's had a man poisoned, but has given him a cat, which needs to be milked every day to gain the antidote to stay alive - since tormenting just one of God's creatures at a time isn't enough - and being milked every day is not enough torture for the cat, a rat has been taped to the side of the immobilized cat, just out of reach of his mouth. 
The rat, however, thinks it's hilarious.

~Gurney Halleck (Patrick Stewart) - For one thing, he has some of the weirdest lines in movie

"Behold, as a wild ass in the desert, go I forth to my work."
"Not in the mood? Mood's a thing for cattle and loveplay, not fighting!"

Now I leave you with a thousand words:

Yes, you're seeing that right - dude is marching into battle clutching a dog.
Have fun storming the castle, Gurney.

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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I appreciate your time ...

I typically try to post something for you to blankly stare at every week, but I've really been doing a bad job of it this month - and for that I apologize.  The recent Photobucket debacle cost me three full days of working on anything having to do with my blog because I was too busy harassing whoever runs the Photobucket Facebook page while going through all five stages of grief and posting psychotic status updates on my own Facebook wall, most likely confusing the ever-loving shit out of 95% of the people on my friends list who weren't aware that I even wrote a blog.  By the end, I'm certain they were all making mental notes never to try to find it.

So I'm here again, with an offering of something to watch while I complete my blog homework, which will be a movie review.  It's not a new film, so don't go getting all excited that I left my house or anything.

This is also not very new, so if you've already seen it, congratulations.  You're cool. 

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Tuesday, April 12, 2011


Only 2% of Photobucket's users are experiencing the ongoing issue from their "brief maintenance", and I got to be one of the lucky ones.  They are assuring people their pictures are safe and I, for one, do not trust them.  I have no idea when, or if my pictures will come back.  I did my final photo editing on Photobucket, so those were my only copies.  Reconstructing nineteen Sims updates would be a nearly impossible task, so I'm praying they fix it.
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Sunday, April 10, 2011

I play Sims (part19)

There has been an addition to the Rosenzweig household.  Instead of sending the ingot Rachel expected, the smelting plant sent back a Mysterious Mr. Gnome.  So now, on top of the Egyptian and Chinese magical gnomes, we've got two identical regular magical gnomes roaming around.  How the hell are we going to tell those fuckers apart?

Looks like Suri's got an idea forming in her brain.

Suri's other stress management techniques include painting:

As well as playing guitar:

It's okay, you'll be an expert in no time - all you gotta do is ignite your light, or own the night ... or was it gang fight, gang fight?  My point is, for serious and for true - every last one of us is a firework.  In other words, you shit glitter turds.  So that's pretty good news.

Now, let's have a chat about the guy in blue who doesn't live with you, yet seems to be loitering on your deck at a late enough hour that Stanley's already donned his fuzzy bunnies.

Hey, I didn't name him - but that name is the least of my issues with him.  To begin with, I once saw him hang out at your house for nearly three days in a row.  Yet, even more bizarre and vexing - a teenager in a Nehru jacket?  Outside of the 60s?  That is the stuff of aneurysms.

Rachel gets so fed up with him always changing the radio station to kids or Latin music that she decides to try zapping him with her new gadget: the moodlet manager.

Not long after this, Suri decides to majorly update her hairstyle once she notices that Rachel has started wearing her hair in exactly the same bun hairstyle she'd been wearing.

Don't look now, but something even stranger than usual is happening in Stanley's garden:

Looks like she's gone straight upstairs to Rachel's bedroom to relax.
Looks like you'll have to watch television downstairs, honey.

As it turns out, she's not a bad couch commander, and the rest of the household gathers to watch television with her - although I can't quite figure out from their reactions what they're watching ... if you go by just the expressions on the faces of the girls, they could be watching a comedy.

Now it just looks like something really disturbing is transpiring to the left of everyone.

Eventually, our resident ghost grows bored with watching television and decides to engage in a more stereotypical ghost behavior.

But, Suri's not the only one seeing a bit of excitement this evening - Stanley's had his fair share, too.

When he's done with that, he heads back inside and that's when things really get going.

I'll bet you're wondering what the gnomes have been up to.

This wouldn't be a Sims update without Rachel either taking a trip or getting promoted.  Rachel has made it to the absolute top of her career - she answers to no one!  For the very first time, she manages to earn a promotion without throwing a tearful fit as soon as she leaves the building.

This change in job status means a new work uniform, and a serious carpool vehicle upgrade.

Oh, it looks like Suri's experimenting in the kitchen.  I wonder what she's making.

A clown shouldn't be too hard to pick out in a crowd, you'd think.  I'll bet he's dead.  That's probably why they haven't been able to find him.  Anyway.

Must we use our bare hands?  I've known you your whole life and I've never once seen someone beat you about the face with a measuring cup, so there's no real reason I can see for you not using one.

I'm more than a little concerned that the tray blinking out of existence is actually a distraction from something much worse.

Not to mention the fact that the counter has suddenly started glowing.

Alright, let's find out what Suri's making.

What's next for you, Suri?  What's your next move?

Unfortunately, not everything in the house is absolute perfection.  The computer is shitting sparks, so a professional is called in to take a look.

Alright.  I've got to stop you right here and remind you that your job is to fix the computer, which is on the third floor.  You are on the second floor, doing some sort of pantomime I couldn't begin to describe.  Go upstairs and repair the computer.

I don't know why I'm even bothering to wonder why you seem so upset by the thought of a gemstone.  I'm guessing the dark recesses of your mind are filled with countless mysteries, at which I undoubtedly should not be poking.

I knew you could do it.  I had faith, and you did it - you finally got all the way up to the computer.

I need to take a moment to stop and breathe here, because I'm afraid I just saw you stand in front of that computer, do fuck-all to fix it and then charge fifty simoleons for what amounts to wandering around gesticulating like a mental patient, getting worked up about gemstones and then just leaving.

While all that monkey business was happening at home, Suri decided to pay a visit to the home of their constant house guest, Notzo.

Hey, maybe hanging out with Notzo Curious isn't so bad ... you seem to be having a good time.

I'm not 100% clear on what just happened here, but what I do know is that a hard rain is about to fall.  So if you don't mind, I'm gonna mosey.  If you're smart, you'll be on your way, too.

I Play Sims (part20)

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