Blog Tapas for Everyone! (you get a blog tapas! you get a blog tapas!)

I dreamed ...

that Ashton Kutcher told my husband "never trust a girl willing to tug you off faster than an energetic 1-800 sex-thin."

~
that while walking down a hallway in high school, I flailed my arm up to gesture and accidentally poked (and got my finger stuck in the corner) of Oprah Winfrey's eyeball. She was really calm about it, and after I got my finger out, we decided we both had to pee. She led the way, opened the door to the rest room for me, and I decided to start pre-washing my hands in the sink with mud.

A young boy walked up to me and I shoved him and said, "get away from me!" I heard Oprah gasp and say, "oh my god!" and when I looked up, she was gone. I realized she'd led us into the men's room. She was unapologetic about the mistake. When I found the ladies room, it was full of young women whose hair indicated they'd been napping on the couches in there since the 60s. They languidly refused to let me use a toilet because I wasn't popular enough.

I went back to the men's room, which was now stuffed to death with handsome European soccer players and they were all very nice about showing me to a stall and explaining how to use it, but once the door was closed, I couldn't move because my boobs were suddenly huger than usual. I gave up and went to class where I found myself holding a crayon the size of a truncheon, and a handbag full of arcade tokens.

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that someone had made a pitcher of grape Kool-Aid, and I couldn't figure out how to fit it in the fridge, but I didn't want to throw it away, so I just woke up.

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that I had to report for jail, but first I wanted to grab a quick bowl of Rice Krispies. Unfortunately, I had no bowl or spoon nor milk. I looked up after starting to reach into my box and realized I was standing next to Lady Gaga's boyfriend, who was also eating his own Rice Krispies by hand - but he had poured milk straight into his box. I rudely reached over and grabbed a wet handful and started shoveling it into my mouth.

He was quite put out, yet started sharing his cereal by dropping fistfuls into my hand for me. Gaga walks up and before I can leave, she insists that I try to freestyle a song about how she's a hair stylist. I do terribly, of course, so I just reach down to pet her cat, and tell her that she's a very good kitty.

~~~~~

Sister: I'm going to attempt this applicatorless tampon. Wish me luck.
Me: ugh. I can't do those. my fingers are too stubby. good luck.
Sister: I have free ones and i wore a pad all day. I cant suffer another minute in my own filth.
Me: pads are ew.
Sister: I only wear them when I'm being lazy.
Me: or like squishing around.
Sister: Or like wearing a diaper.
Me: and having your crotch smell like a bloody swamp.
Sister: I just read in detail about this tampon
Me: "INSERT." "YOU KNOW WHERE."
Sister: Looooo
Me: well, I guess it's time for me to move to the couch and stare at the tv.

nice chat. hope your vagina holds your tampon well. I say that with the deepest love. har.

Sister: thanks for the words of vaginal encouragement.

~

Me (on her Facebook wall): you can't hammer a nail with your face, unless your face is made out of hammers.
Sister: Or just one big hammer.
Me: not as efficient as several hammers.
Sister: well, if you use the hammers one at a time in rapid succession, it's more effective. If you try to use them all at once, you end up with holes in your wall.
Me: trust me, my hammer face would be the most sensible.
Sister: of course, of course.

~~~~~

This is a message a girl I know from a Facebook group got sent by someone who has just got to be her new best friend by now.

~~~~~

These are a few ads Facebook actually wanted me to pay for to promote my page.

Now give us a kiss.
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More Dreams

I almost forgot to post today.  My sister had been visiting since last Thursday, and on her last night (last night) here, we walked to a karaoke place, got hammered to death, and I embarrassed myself beyond redemption by singing three songs and a duet on my very first karaoke experience.  It was truly tragic.  What's worse is that we recorded everything, so now I know exactly how grim it was.  The only bright spot is the lack of hangover, which is miraculous.

My point is, I had nothing to post, except for these dreams that have been sitting around waiting for me to destroy my reputation for being the sort of person to not be that fricking drunk in public.  Enjoy.

*****

I dreamed ...

that I was Kyle Richards' nanny. I was also having an affair with her husband, Mauricio Umansky (suh-woon).  But there was a problem - besides that he was an enormous, bouncing jackass - his tush was FAR larger than you'd think by just observing while he was in clothing - and it was covered in bright red stretch marks, as though he'd carried a mutant butt-baby.  This dream was really not fair.

that I kept getting phone calls on my cellphone giving me an offer for a jobs in Oklahoma and Kansas.  I kept saying, "I don't want to go to those places, what is making you people keep calling me?" and the same answer I got every time was, "probably the enemy."

that I was on a reality show which was ruled by a German robot who made us its dirt slaves.

that I was hiding under the coffee table in someone's livingroom ... when they came in to ask why I was under the coffee table, I told them it was because I couldn't fit under the couch.

that I was at an art museum playing an impromptu game of "Shun the Boys" and "Shun the Girls" (two different games, actually) and once the game was over, I started interviewing a bunch of small toys about what they thought of the game. None of them really wanted to comment, so I just started tapping the Matryoshka dolls on the head with my microphone and taunting the smallest ones for not having smaller dolls inside of them.

that because of some unknown thing I did to a child named Elian Archuleta, I needed to attend a grudge match and fight a stranger ... the precise way of atoning for what I'd done was to duct tape a picture of the boy to my right knee and show up at a Mexican fight club - but once I got there, I decided I'd much rather use an assumed name to steal an enormous moving truck with my husband. It was working out well, until the rednecks discovered our ruse.

that I decided to take a walk with a young female Sim to the graveyard, because that's where she wanted to age up.  There was an adult male Sim there who, once the girl aged up to a teenager, began trying to flirt with her. So I pulled out a blowtorch and tried to set him on fire.  I was aiming at his chest, but it was his feet which started to burn. Next, an adult female walked up to us and tried to set me on fire by poking me with a couple of tuning forks.

that I was at a gas station. I walked inside and said to the cashier, "I'll take $15 on number ..." then I had to crane my neck to see which pump my car was at.  While I was looking, the cashier said, "Three?" and I said, "no, eight.  I need $15 on eight."  So he handed me three ice cream drumsticks. I said, "no, I think I only want one of those, thanks." and he replies, "aren't you glad I didn't give them to you in millimeters?" and I giggled, put my hand out palm up and said, "come on, come on." and we both had a hearty laugh.  Then, I met Nick Drake and he became my boyfriend.

that I was a high-school student with aspirations of working for Lady Gaga - who just happened to be holding auditions at my school.  She was also posing as a normal student and when I figured this out, I expressed my desire to work for her in math class.  Seconds later, someone paraded a decoy Lady Gaga out to prove to me that I hadn't been talking to the real Lady Gaga, which I did not believe for a second.

Right before the auditions, I commented to my best friend Bunny Walker that I needed to work on "flying on my back" to which she replied, "what?! why?".  When I got to the audition, there were dozens of girls already there, and they were all wearing glitter eyeshadow - which is actually the most realistic part of this entire dream.

that I was in an unknown house, entering a basement bedroom to retrieve my laptop. I noticed that someone was on the bed, completely under the covers, so I tried to proceed quietly.  Next thing I know, the covers rustle, and a head pops out.  It's Leonard Nimoy, smiling.  He says, "What's up?  What's going on?" I replied, "I'm getting my laptop." He returns, "Are you sure that's your laptop? Mine looks a lot like yours." I looked at the laptop in my hand and then at the one still on the table.  "Oh, you're right," I said, switching the laptops, "mine has the name Jodi Sales etched into the lid."

that Mila Kunis was standing on my parents' driveway wearing shoes made from bird's nests.

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