Dune

Today we're going to talk about Dune. Or rather, I'm going to talk about it and you're going to zip your lips and take it like a man.

I love this movie. It has everything an awesome science fiction film needs: interplanetary politics and plots of betrayal, heroes and villains, witchcraft and prophecy, drugs, violence, monsters - and most importantly - shit that makes absolutely no sense at all and seems to exist only to confuse or disturb you.

The story begins with an explanation. Princess Irulan (Virginia Madsen) - the daughter of the Emperor of the Known Universe - appears, disappears and reappears for no known reason while telling us about the spice Melange, an addictive substance which extends life, expands consciousness - and for heavy users, makes it possible to fold space - which, if you're in a rush comes in quite handy ... as long as you don't mind living in a giant orange spice gas-filled tank because you've mutated into a 3rd stage Spacing Guild Navigator.




I don't think it's all that horrible, I've seen them fold space and it looks like it involves vomiting laser balls.
Some people just call that Monday morning.

The storyline of Dune is fairly intricate - to put it simply: Everybody wants the spice, but it can be found on only one planet - Arrakis - and it's got sandworms bigger than cruise ships all over it. The Fremen are native to Arrakis, and when they're not waiting around for the arrival of their prophesied messiah to lead them to freedom from outside control due to spice mining, or feeling pretty special about their eyes, my guess is that they're patting themselves on the back for inventing a suit you can poop in.


"I'm thirsty."  "Right - about that..."

Meanwhile, the Bene Gesserit witches are getting their headdresses twisted about the fact that Lady Jessica (Francesca Annis) broke the rules and bore a son to Duke Leto Atreides (Jürgen Prochnow), jeopardizing centuries of carefully planned breeding in an attempt to create the Kwisatz Haderach - which has got to be one fucking adorable cat, so I see where they're coming from. That son is named Paul (Kyle McLaughlin) and it's entirely possible he's fairly important to something plot-wise, but he is so cute I keep getting forgetting bank ruffle bike lock clam.

Back at the home of the Emperor of the Known Universe, Emperor Shaddam (Jose' Ferrer) hatches a plot with Baron Harkonnen (Kenneth McMillan), the current Melange master: Duke Leto will be put in charge of spice mining, but only for the purpose of sabotage.  Nobody ever goes with a simple plan.

Those are just the basics, but what else about this movie rocks steady?  I'm glad you asked.

~Sandworm surfing
~Boxes of pain
~Having a name that's a killing word (which is also the name of a mouse-shaped shadow on a moon)
~Bug-squishin' juice boxes
~Bene Gesserit witches who can control people by making their voices sound like my mother after someone has taken the last cup of coffee without making another pot.
~Tooth bombs
~Sean Young (as Chani) using her bottom teeth to act
~The reason you should never, ever drink the Water of Life while you're pregnant:



You should hear her voice.

~The line: "If we walk without rhythm, it won't attract the worm." is used in the Fatboy Slim song Weapon of Choice, which has an undeniably awesome video:



(you can hear the line around 2:10)

~Baron Harkonnen - there is nothing about him that is not truly horrifying. He is corrupt, evil, covered in sores and boils and appears to lust after his own nephew, Feyd Rautha (Sting). He is so bizarrely sadistic that he murders people for absolutely no reason, while carressing them lovingly. After a failed assassination attempt, he asks if he is alive and once informed that he is indeed, still living, he throws what looks like a ham sandwich against the wall and floats away cackling - which is how he actually spends most of his time: flying around, being noisy.

In short, Harkonnen is awesomesores.

Further proof that Harkonnen is everything I say he is: he's had a man poisoned, but has given him a cat, which needs to be milked every day to gain the antidote to stay alive - since tormenting just one of God's creatures at a time isn't enough - and being milked every day is not enough torture for the cat, a rat has been taped to the side of the immobilized cat, just out of reach of his mouth. 

The rat, however, thinks it's hilarious.

~Gurney Halleck (Patrick Stewart) - For one thing, he has some of the weirdest lines in movie

"Behold, as a wild ass in the desert, go I forth to my work."
"Not in the mood? Mood's a thing for cattle and loveplay, not fighting!"

Now I leave you with a thousand words:


Yes, you're seeing that right - dude is marching into battle clutching a dog.
Have fun storming the castle, Gurney.