The Dark Knight Rises (along with your bile?)

Hey, it's Nico Tuesday! Unfortunately, I'm not Nico, nor is my last name Tuesday! It's Logan! Fixer of computers, drinker of alcohols! Since Nico is on a Sobieski-induced Sims 3 binge, it has been thrust upon me to write a post! Also, seeing as how my creativity ranges from a Gallagher routine to Dane Cook standup, I'm going to cop-out and write a movie review!

First off, let me preface this by saying that I did an oral report in the first grade about how Batman was the person I most looked up to. However, I went into this (and the previous films) with no real expectations. So even with both my love for the source material and the power of my disdain for being around human beings no matter how dark the room is, I basically had no predisposition to this film. Turns out that none of this mattered anyways because The Dark Knight Rises is one of the biggest wastes of time I've ever encountered. That statement holds weight because I own and have seen the movie Monsturd multiple times.

I also own the entire Dolph Lundgren filmography.

If there was one positive thing to be said about the previous installment, it would be about the superb pacing throughout. Batman Begins had problems with the film dragging, but these were understandable seeing as how the movie had to build some sort of foundation to establish the character as a hero and not a psychopath clumsily jumping around in a cape. Somehow though, TDKR has some of the worst pacing I've ever seen in a summer blockbuster. The first hour of this nearly three hour event (!!!) is so poorly put together that you'd think you were in the wrong theater watching a movie about wealthy hermits. I mean honestly, I checked my phone once and I think the movie was actually making the flow of time go BACKWARDS. This is rectified slightly by a superior second half in terms of pace, but this train-wreck's problems go far deeper than just my desire to listen to Christian Bale gravelly slobber out cheesy dialogue.

The real monster at the center of this disaster comes from a lack of desire. If you watch the previous entries, you at least felt like there was some passion behind them. Sure the movies were a bit pretentious and dialogue-heavy for a movie about a guy who dresses up like a bat, but it was mostly entertaining and well done. None of this rings true in TDKR as the entire debacle just reeks of a soulless cash grab. The plot is so erratic and poorly thought out that it never grabs you at all. Moments that should be shocking were only met with groans of "Did I really just spend 15 dollars on popcorn?" or "Being on Mercury would be great right about now."

The sound editing was also one of the most bizarre things I've ever been subjected to.  Maybe this was just my hangover talking, but there were numerous occasions where I felt like the movie was made intentionally loud just because it could. There was simply no congruency between the incessantly loud effects/music and the moments being presented to you on the screen. The one pulse-pounding part of the movie where this would've been appropriate was instead backed with dead silence. Also, don't even get me started on Bane's voice. As if the accent wasn't weird enough, he sounds like Darth Vader would if you heard him from inside a fish bowl. I swear that I. King Jordan was in charge of this film's sound editing.

I just googled famous deaf people. I wish my name was I. King Jordan. Wouldn't it be cool to just say it in public and watch people stare at you because they thought you, as King Jordan of course, were randomly making proclamations?

Throw in some of the most hamfisted one-liners/references ever and you have a movie that is about an hour and a half too long and about a bottle of scotch away from being tolerable.

If you managed to sit through to the end of the whole ordeal without leaving or falling into a plot hole, you're treated to one of the goofiest endings I've ever seen. I would go into specifics, but I'm afraid I'd have an aneurysm by the time I was done trying to talk about how silly and contrived it all was. Either that or I'm just lazy. Bottom line: Don't go see this movie. It's far too long, far too sloppy, and just completely unsatisfying. So when someone invites you to go see The Dark Knight Rises because it's "the bomb" or whatever kids say nowadays, gently kick them in the shin and spend that 10 dollars on a Netflix subscription and watch Breaking Bad in its entirety instead.

Seriously, do it. Walter White is cooler than Batman anyways.