This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Conversing with the small ones

Me: I just bought shampoo and shaving cream, so I can wash my hair and shave my legs. How do you feel about that?
5-yr-old: (playing a game on his Leap Pad) kinda good ... still good.


I have a lot of strange conversations with my kids, most of the time initiated by me, because - and let's all be honest with ourselves - staying home with your children is boring as fuck most of the time. 85% of the job is making meals, cleaning up, moderating fights, undoing the curses you taught them, not leaving knives within reach and trying to keep them from breaking all your shit with the rubber balls your mother-in-law bought for them. You gotta make the remaining 15%  interesting, or you'll bust out of your front door one day and never stop running, even if you hate running.

I have two boys, ages 4 & 5, and they are both very different humans. The older one is dramatic, neurotic and seems to prefer the truth. The younger one is affectionate, unbelievably loud and makes shit up all the time.

I can't decide which one is more fun to fuck with, because they have such different reactions.


4-yr-old: What happened to your socks? *points to the dirty soles*
Me: At night, when you're sleeping, they pop off my feet, crawl into your bed and suck on your bellybutton.
4-yr-old: Oh, yeah. *nods in agreement*
Me: Hey, pull up your shirt, let's see if your bellybutton is juicing right now.
4-yr-old: *lifts shirt* nope, no juicing.
Me (the next day): Did my socks get your bellybutton last night?
4-yr-old: Yes, but I made them go away.

5-yr-old: *says something about Peeps*
Me: You know, Peeps eat your bellybutton.
5-yr-old: No they don't!
Me: Yes they do! Why do you think we don't keep them in the house?
5-yr-old: No. *gestures to let me know that I'm a fool* People eat Peeps.
Me: Yeah, and when you do, they come out of your bellybutton!
5-yr-old: No.
Me: They totally do.
Husband: She's lying. Peeps don't eat your bellybutton.
Me: Can't I have any fun?

At this point, I walk into the kitchen to do something and hear Husband and son having a lengthy conversation about umbilical cords.

Also, I have no idea why I'm obsessed with things happening to my son's bellybuttons.


Like I said, my younger son is affectionate - affection he gives freely to everyone else on the planet but me. I have to work for it, apparently.

Me: Come here, let's have a cuddle.
4-yr-old: No. I'll cuddle you later. In the future.
Me: You always say that, and then you never do.
4-yr-old: I'm busy.
Me: Please?!
4-yr-old: I'll give you a quick hug. It's the best I can do.

Thanks, kid.


I decided to start a conversation with them right now, because this blog entry is too short.

Me: I went to the store today and bought tampons and garlic powder. How do you feel about that?
4-yr-old: Good. It's good. I like garlic powder. I need my garlic powder.
Me: I also got, um ...
4-yr-old: *gasp* What else did you got!? What did you got at the store, mama?

(he's fucking with me. no one is ever this excited about what you got at Walgreens.)

Me: I got um, basil.
: Oh, basil!

(or basil)

Me: ... and decongestants.
: Oh, is that for eating?
: No, it's not for eating. What do people do with tampons?
: They're for eating too.
: What did you say, mom? What did he say?

(his super hero senses must have alerted him to absurdity being perpetrated)

4-yr-old: Audience is made of people. People who live and breathe.
: Oh ... kay ...  (to 5-yr-old) do you have anything to add?
: Yeah. *clicks tongue twice* I'm going to add a Universal.

(oh, because that's not absurd.)
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wvawannabee said...


faceparts said...

HA! I love conversations with little kids. My sister's kids are 6, 5, and 2.5. Right around Halloween I was on skype with them and I asked the 2.5 yr old what she was going to be for Halloween. She said "a cow...mooo" and I said "oh wow that will be so nice!" Ten minutes later The 5 year old tells me the whole family are going as characters from Peter Pan and that the 2.5 year old will be Tinkerbell. I said "How come you told me you were gonna be a cow?" and she just shrugged said "yeah...cow" and walked away.

Casey said...

It's the best I can do...

jamie said...

*nods in agreement* lol

Nico Morley said...

Janelle, that's exactly the kind of thing my sister would have said when she was 2-1/2.

Casey, wish I was exaggerating, but he sincerely said it was the best he could do. Punk. said...

The youngest of my kids is 5 now, and I'm already starting to miss the surreal conversations we used to have, about how the sun sleeps behind the mountains, but has to wake up the next morning because the moon is going to bed and he doesn't get along with the moon ever since the moon refused to share his legos and they got into a knife fight.

Nico Morley said...

This is why I'm typing them out. As if I'd remember all this weirdness when my mind is already too full of 80s music.

Anonymous said...

The only thing better than filling a kid's mind full of bullshit is the look on their face the day they realize you were full of shit.

But until then. Ketchup is mustard, soap is candy, coffee is juice, and cussing gets them ice cream.

Nico Morley said...

Why didn't I ever have a baby with you? lol

Anonymous said...

I have no, appropriate, response to that.

I am though, happy to lend a hand in fucking with your kid's minds.

Me: When your mom says go to bed, what do you say?

5-yr-old: Belay that order!

Me: That's Good. Here, have some soap.

Nico Morley said...

We took them to see Santa today. I tried to get the younger one to ask for a Fraggle Stick Car, but he was too star struck to amuse me.

Reanna said...

Decongestants aren't for eating? What the hell are you teaching your kids? *picturing you drawing diagrams involving razor blades and straws*

I was talking to my 5 year old niece on the phone yesterday and she told me her teacher's name is Mrs. T. I asked her 3 times to make sure I'd heard correctly, and then yelled, "Pity the fool!" She hung up on me.

When are we going to get some Matrix kids who come out with proper cultural references?

Nico Morley said...

I'd totally let you watch my kids, Reanna.