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This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?





Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Gentlemen Broncos


"Together, we will learn to love, you gorgeous hag, you ... freak machine."

Let's get started. It's Gentlemen Broncos, and you have my best friend Bunny Walker to thank for my knowledge of this film.

This story begins with a boy - a writer named Benjamin Purvis (Michael Angarano) - who lives with his home-schooling mother Judith (Jennifer Coolidge) in a geodesic dome that's stuffed to the vertices with intense levels of quirk.

First order of business is Cletus Fest - a fantasy writer's convention that I would attend just for the possibility of getting a little mussed up by some second-hand unself-conscious and earnest absurdity.

On the way there, Benjamin meets Tabatha (Halley Feiffer), a sexual deviant with a penchant for ill-begotten snacks and the raw sexuality of someone trying not to shit their pants while watching someone else shit their pants.

Don't fall in love, boys, she'll only crush your soul.
Also along for the ride is Tabatha's side-kick Lonnie Donaho (Héctor Jiménez) an amateur film maker who never does anything without every one of his teeth involved and sports a permanent demeanor of one experiencing some sort of pleasurable agony.
 

Ill-begotten snack breath.
Needless to say, this was not your mother's bus ride to a festival.

Or maybe it was. I don't judge.

Speaking at the convention is the object of so many fantasy nerd's admiration and/or dirty daydreams, Ronald Chevalier (Jemaine Clement). He has the sort of silky, sensuous and so serious deep voice that only a man who continually wears a Bluetooth, but never ever uses, can rock with a steadiness that makes my thighs very weak. My calves are doing great, though, so no biggie.

He will go with Traginus. Every time.

Chevalier is judging a writing contest, and (ceremoniously, actually) decides to plagiarize Benjamin's novella Yeast Lords. What's the story about, you ask? Yeast, mostly. *nods*

Bronco (Sam Rockwell) is the last of the yeast lords -
the enemy has purloined all of his yeast and borrowed one of his gonads for military-strengthening research ...

You know what, I don't want to ruin the whole thing for you.

Chevalier decides to make a few changes to the original story - most notably re-naming Bronco and turning him into the gayest version of Edgar Winter allowed by god's law, before publishing it under a new name, Brutus and Balzaak.

Balzaak. I get it.

In the meantime, Lonnie Donaho is shooting his version of Yeast Lords for the big screen. You know, the one on 4th or whatever - thus turning this movie into three yeast cake-filled movies within a movie.

If all these versions leave you stressed out enough to give birth to a litter of troll cubs, just grab
someone you care about and blow on some friendship stones. It'll soothe your nerves.

This is one of those films you're either going to love or loathe. I've seen it three times now, and have decided that's probably enough, unless someone sends me some special cookies to eat for a fourth viewing. *clears throat*

The ending is slightly predictable, in that some people fly off toward the horizon on battle stags.

It's a happy conclusion.
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6 comments:

DogsOnDrugs.com said...

If it wasn't for the fact that I went to Amazon and verified that this is a movie, I would have insisted that you had hallucinated the entire thing.

Incidentally, have you ever seen the movie The Room? You'd get a perverse kick out of that flick. Here's a typical scene. (They're all more or less equally insanely bad):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOdjtiOMGbA

Nico Morley said...

Hey JERKFACE. I wrote a review for the room. It exists here. On my blog.

Vesta Vayne said...

Soooo, that's all one movie?

huh. I think I'm going to start looking for funding to make my own nonsensical flick. Do you want to be the director?

Nico Morley said...

I'd be happy to direct. As long as I can also be the mermactronaut, too.

DogsOnDrugs.com said...

That was back in March of 2011 before I knew you existed, therefore you didn't exist and so neither does that post. It's simple logic!

Nico Morley said...

Oh, I see how it is.