Parking Rage & Mania

I fight a war against stupidity nearly every day I drop the kids off at school. I park on a side street perpendicular to the school, and since I prefer to completely eliminate the possibility of hitting someone's child, once I return to my car, I do a three-point turn and go back the way I came, rather than driving right through where children are crossing the street like the tiny goofballs they are.

Almost every. fucking. day. while I'm inside the school, there is this woman who parks behind me in a white car, in which she sits, waiting. I could say that I don't know what she's waiting for, but I do. I do know what she's waiting for - and she can taste it, she wants it that badly. She wants me to leave, so she can have one car-length less to walk to get inside. She's so fiercely protective over that precious area and she needs it so much - so now - that she can not wait for me to complete the three-point turn I make every god damned day right in front of her before she starts inching up.

Every. single. christly. time. she comes within a fraction of making it impossible for me to back up and get to the second point. Does she think that today is the day I finally crack, and decide to take my car plowing over the curb I'm facing, driving straight up that concrete embankment, then through an extremely metal fence so I can conveniently access the now-defunct Bada-Bing internet cafe' on the other side? Where - after watching me u-turn countless times - does she think I'm going?

What the fuck. Does she try to enter bathroom stalls before the other person walks out? When walking behind someone, is her body fully pressed against them? When she's next in line, is she already standing beside the person currently ordering? How many people a day does she piss off?

All I do know for sure is that if she catches me on the wrong day, I'm going to stop my car mid-turn, get out and throw my plastic cereal storage container I use as a garbage can at her windshield. Mostly because that piece of shit is not as convenient of a "life hack" as I was promised by that list I gave a cursory read on Buzzfeed. Fuck!

~~~~~

Meanwhile, a few weeks back, I had a bona fide attack of mania that lasted all day long. It was terrifying, because I'd never experienced anything like it before. Most of the time I was laughing my ass off, but when I wasn't, I was freaking out that I had no control over my incessant cackling.

In the morning, I made a cooking show. Although, that's really over-stating what I recorded, which actually heavily featured my chest (the camera was too low) and included me belching before I said anything, then just holding up a bowl of chicken marinade I'd already mixed. After viewing it, my best friend Bunny Walker couldn't even guess what I was making for dinner. Naturally, it was almost the funniest thing I'd ever seen once I watched it later in the day, over and over and over.

If anyone wants to see it, I might let ya. Just shoot me an email and I'll give you the link.

In the evening, I did virtual makeovers of my friends. I'm certain most of them (the guys I made over, mainly) wouldn't want me to post the results here, but I assure you, they were all fricking hilarious.

Here's Bunny Walker, in a picture taken while she was a teenager. I'm sure I captured her vintage wax figure side perfectly.

It's like her ghost is eternally flying at you.

Here's me as a drag Queen with Rosacea and very special eyes.

My stage name is Copper Stopit.

Then we have me attempting my best Hatchet Face

I think I bumped my lip on several biscuits.

This is Clayton. He puts things on his head and points heavenward, as though to blame the creator for something. Or he just wants us all to look ... over there.

Henceforth and furthermore, I will never look at Khloe Kardashian without seeing this image

Finally, my father, may he rest in peace. He's a very pretty, if not shocked, lady.

And classy. Don't forget classy.

.