You know, tapas.

I dreamed ...

that people traveled around by sliding on their butts along all of the Swarovski crystals laying on the ground.

that I was trying to use chopsticks to drink water.

~~~~~

(while playing with a deck of cards)

4-year-old: Bingo!
5-year-old: No, you have to give me the right answer, then you can bingo and I'll bingo you.
4-year-old: *pauses for thought* Poop.
5-year-old: Correct!

~~~~~

My step-dad has an obsession with putting everything in the sink, while my mother and I prefer to leave something by the sink if we think we might use it again. I'd made a salad for my mother, but wanted to leave the cutting board and knife out, so I could make one for myself later - so I says to step-dad:

me: would you allow me to leave this stuff out? I'll make a salad for myself later.
step-dad: "allow" you? what are we, in France?

If anyone can explain to me what that means, I'd be ever so grateful.


I was left to dog-sit while my mother and step-dad took a trip to Virginia. Minutes after they arrived home, they began bickering in the kitchen as I sat in the living room.

step-dad: do you have any AA batteries?
mom: no.
step-dad: are you sure you don't any stored away somewhere?
mom: I said no!
step-dad: I just thought maybe you'd have some.
mom: will you leave me the fuck alone!
step-dad: I thought maybe you might have some, since you use them for your vibrator!
me: vibrator!

Next thing I know, my step-dad walks up to me, with his hand in his pocket saying that he has something for me. He pulls out a packet of grape-flavored Pop Rocks. Minutes later, my mother walks over and hands me some cinnamon-flavored toothpicks, and a bag of buttons. Okay, then.


~~~~~

After leaving Lowe's ...

me: This closet rod shoved next to me is really comfortable. And safe.
sister: *chortle*
me: Tomorrow, I'll get the flanges installed, re-measure, then cut the rod and get that up first. Then I'll sand down the edges of the boards, and dry fit it before I start painting it.
sister: Cool.
me: You know, that dude really softened his attitude once we had him cutting the wood for us. He said we'd do fine on the project, and I thought, "you know, you might not be an asshole."
sister: Yeah.

(medium-sized pause)

me: I think men lie. Like, all the time. They just lie.
sister: ...are we still talking about wood?

~~~~~

At the liquor store ...

male cashier: *looks at credit card* Can I see your ID?
me: it's my step-dad's card. I'm buying beer for him.
male cashier: *stares at card, unsure*
me: should we call him? He's drunk! You wanna call him?!
male cashier: *sighs*
me: seriously, I'm in here all the time, everyone knows it's not my card.
female cashier: *walks by briskly* It's true.
male cashier: *runs card*
me: did you really think I was drinking all of this Bud Lite by myself? Come on.
male cashier: ha! So is step-dad rooting for the Eagles?
me: Jets. I mean, I have no idea who he's rooting for right at this moment, but he's a Jets fan. I gotta be honest, he's probably really rooting for beer to come home.

~~~~~

I went on Omegle again.

It's not like I said I wasn't going to share.

Probably one of the more confusing things someone has said to me on Omegle.

Whoopie Goldberg is offensive to gay people?

I was getting a little grumpy by this point.

But this cheered me briefly.

.