First and foremost, you desperately need to make a choice: cutesy, innocent girl or whoretastic cupcake-breasted demonslut requesting to see a penis. You can not be both, because that is disgusting. Those twain should not be meeting. Every single time I hear the phrase, "feisty girl power" in reference to you in that zit commercial, my face involuntarily screws into a mask of indignant disbelief, and I am once again glad that I do not have daughters.
You called yourself a "skinnier version" of Lily Allen, but then pulled a "just joking!" Well, Katy Perry, I'm the "non bobble-headed version" of you. Just joking! Not really.
When you talk, I lose IQ points. This is why I'm forced to plug my ears any time you stop singing and your mouth is still moving. But you know, that's fine with me - you really have nothing to say anyway.
This brings me to your stupid song Firework. Sigh, Katy Perry, sigh. I know the world has worked out nicely for you - you have a thriving singing career, despite your absolutely abysmal start in gospel. Yes, Katy Perry, I had a listen. It sounded like you tried to use every instrument invented to back yourself, including a kitchen sink. It's possible you were even singing from under the kitchen sink.
I'm getting off track. My point is that your life is awesome - you're rich, famous and married to Russell Brand. But, unlike what your stupid song would profess, we're not all going to have charmed lives, if only we would just ignite our sparks - or even lives that don't fucking suck from start to end. Are you retarded, Katy Perry? We are not all snowflake-shaped. Stop telling people they are - a lot of misguided people look up to you and they'll believe that flapdoodle - you're just setting them up for a huge disappointment when they finally figure out how the world really works.
Allow me to explain it to you. You can't swing a dead cat with feisty girl power without hitting someone who is completely unremarkable. Most people are not going to show the world anything, least of all what they're worth, in any meaningful and sparkly way. Even very talented people are a dime a dozen. Every single day, truly talented people go unnoticed and get absolutely nowhere. You think there aren't thousands of girls who can sing and perform as well as you, if not better? Think again, California girl. You're one of the lucky ones.
This is not even taking into account how many dull, talent-free people get attention for doing nothing of consequence except for jamming our heads so full of crap we start to forget the rest of us actually have to work hard to get nowhere.
The point I'm laboring to make, Katy Perry, is that you need to shush. While you're at it, take your voodoo spell off Russell Brand, for the love of all that's right. And if you still have those fucking Easter egg colored highlight things in your hair, fucking take them out. You look like a mental patient.
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