Shh...

This thing, whatever it is, that's been going on with my ears - like most house fires - isn't getting any better.  I've always had the incessant ringing, at least for as long as I can remember, that gets louder in inverse proportion to the sound level of the room.  In silence, it can feel deafening.

I've learned to live with the ringing.  It's not painful, just annoying.

But this infernal hissing, crackling, popping, bubbling, whooshing bullshit my ears are doing in reaction to loud noises is pushing me over the fucking edge.  Before, I could just avoid the sounds that triggered it - but now that I have two kids who insist on making some form of ear-splitting sound - whether happy or sad - almost every moment of their conscious day, there is no getting away from it. 

This is not just annoying - it's physically uncomfortable.  It's like having water or wind flowing through your goddamned head and the sound of popping static, with a whipped topping of annoying, and a big, fat hand clamping down on the part of your brain that's responsible for linear thought as the cherry on top. 
Additionally, when it's those sudden, out-of-nowhere nothing's-actually-wrong screams one of the kids make throughout the day, it also alerts my hypervigilance, so I get steady shots of adrenaline.  Just for fun.

When it was only my oldest son, who had a couple colicky months, I thought it was bad.  But my youngest hasn't shut up since the day he was born.  He's crying right now, for fucks sake.  He had four long months of colic that ended just in time for teething to start.  He's loud when he's happy, he's loud when he's upset, he's loud because he's fucking awake. 

Not to mention, the oldest has taken to screeching and whining anytime the youngest comes near him, they're both teething, and getting over the loss of having their respective pacifiers during the day - living in a fucking dog kennel would probably be more peaceful.

So, my newest solution is ear plugs - during the day.  I hate wearing them, because they make my ears hurt, and the ringing in my ears louder, but I have no choice.  I can't get my kids to shut the hell up without duct tape, and I have to do something to take the edge off the noise level in my home, lest I start behaving like a garden variety schizophrenic.

I have them in now - and that god damned kid's screaming (over nothing) is still getting through them and rattling my christly ear drums like a tambourine.

I swear to god, I will run away if this place gets any louder.  Do not come looking for me.  I wouldn't hear you calling, anyway.  Not after I claw my ears inside out.

I'm a Delicate Flower (obstacle #2)

Are you easily irritated?  You couldn't possibly be as easily irritated as I am.  I'm annoyed you'd even think so.  And don't interrupt me.

I get headaches and migraines ridiculously easily.  Are you wearing a heavily scented lotion, some funky smelling gunk in your hair, or way too much perfume and it's hot out?  Does the crap you're wearing have a "complex" smell?  Do you have one of those disgusting plug-in air fresheners, or God forbid, one of those contraptions that shoots stink out of it?  Is the smell of vanilla involved in any way?  Thanks, I have a headache now.  Also, you smell like shit.

Am I watching the tv from any angle except straight on?  Did the height of the tv change by two inches?  Is that bulb 20 watts brighter?  Did you move the lamp?  Sunny out with no sunglasses?  Storm front coming in?  Headache.

I'm also sensitive to noises.  I get angry when I hear a "sharp" sound repeatedly, like one person clapping, or slamming a cabinet door.  If I'm startled by a loud noise, waves go through my field of vision, and I get a rush of adrenaline that gives me the sensation of of electric needles shooting to the tips of my fingers.  I'm especially cheerful after that happens, especially if someone did it on purpose.  Some mental health professionals would call it a symptom of PTSD.  I call it the reason you shouldn't sneak up behind me, that's why you got cut.

Other loud noises, such as a baby crying or someone talking with a loud or shrill tone of voice causes the sound and sensation of popping and crackling in my right ear.  If it's just the right frequency, I hear static that's almost louder than the noise itself.  I also have a constant, unrelenting ringing in my ear, that's at least two tones, feels as though it's coming from behind me on the right side, and get insanely loud when I'm in complete silence.

Obviously, I'm a giggle to be around.

Have I mentioned that I have sensitive skin, and will freak out on you if you poke or scratch me?  Let's wrestle - or better yet, get me to exercise with you - take me jogging.  I don't get ridiculous injuries, and I promise I won't bitch about getting shin splints for six months afterward.

You know you want to be my friend.  I'm fun, dammit!