Another Package!

My friend Bunny Walker sent me a package! She's basically the best. Here's the box!

Now THAT is how to set a tone!

Let's take a look inside.

Not as disturbing as I'd originally expected. You're slipping, Walker.

Ahh. Yes, I remember speaking about this now. I needed a pair of novelty glasses capable of providing a pea soup view of the world, as well as a nearly deadly leaf pin to wear to the ... thing. in the kitchen.

For years I've wondered if a single-serve sample of peach parfait lip stuff existed - my proof is now before me. Who doesn't like a Hello Kitty-eating shark? Plus, a new friend, who brings along with her a smaller new friend.

Plus, you can never have too many pictures of half-crazed women in lingerie showing you ketchup. Just like you can't have too many of these:

Now, I know what you're thinking...

... and why you're thinking it!

But I'm really just excited to have two new friends. That's all.

Don't worry. I'm just trying to figure out why my eyebrows keep growing.

Also, you need to do this. It's really fricking addictive.

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Package!

I have been so unbelievably lazy about writing, y'all. Sorry.

Hey, guys, remember this post?! (hint: it was the last thing I posted)

To get those of you who haven't read that post and are too fucking lazy to do it now (god damn you!) up to speed, I hang out with a bunch of weirdos and we've started sending each other boxes of random crap because we all love each other with the sort of twisted affection which can only be expressed by sweeping the contents of our junk drawer into a box and giving it to the object of our feelings.

First, my sister sent a box to Logan and he said funny things about it. Then she sent a box to Andrew (of Agitated Andrew fame) and he took pictures of the the stuff, but didn't have the decency to write a hate-filled rant about it. I mean, seriously, she can totally take the abuse, you should have at least called her a name. 

At this point, I sent a box to someone who has yet to receive it - or who is just not talking about it. Either is entirely possible. I still cry every night from the not knowing. Anywhoozle, next, I sent a box to Logan and he did exactly what I expected - made everything a billion times funnier than it was. I could post that next week, I just wanted to actually post something this week that I sort of wrote.

So let's get cracking.

Priority Mail, huh? I knew it.

Picking this up was interesting. There's a new girl at the office, and while she was having me sign for it, I said, "you wouldn't believe me if I told you what was in this box..." and she said, "is it a kitten? I'd believe that." So, I'll be asking for her from now on, obviously.

A black pouch?! Damn, you get me. I love pouching stuff.

Hrm. This is just cryptic. Thanks for the dog hair though - I love dog hair almost as much as I love pouching stuff. Unless that's like, grey pubic hair. If that's the case, I hear you. Loud and clear. *picks up telephone*

I'm coloring all of these orange and sending them right the fuck back to you, L.

The vodka we love is also gluten-free?! Man, we are totally in line with the illness everyone thinks they have. We are so freaking hip.

But what really matters is this awesome tumbler. See kids, let this be a lesson to you - all you have to do is annoy your virtual drinking buddy by using a freaking juice glass for several months and they'll eventually send you something vastly superior. Sometimes you don't have to be the squeaky wheel, you just have to be the lazy one. Winning!

Ah, now we're getting into it. So very many things I don't need, but now treasure. Do I like stacks of random shit? No. I love them.

Also, I'm now apparently a fucking millionaire in Frisco, North Carolina, so meet me there and we'll get trashed and laugh at people with zippers. Invite Gary Busey, too - he loves that kinda shit.

Thank god I bothered to read the parenthetical, I almost didn't open this envelope. I can't wait to finally go to Canada and spend the equivalent of just under an American dollar or to Hong Kong to see what I could get for the equivalent of thirteen cents. Once I build that time machine, I'm totally going to England to spend that shilling on like, a loaf of bread or a sheep farm.

The highlight of this collection is Logan wearing a powder blue sailor suit and a Hello Kitty nightgown. This explains ... so much. Including his ruscid magulinity.

God. You sweat through your clothing from just sitting on your couch a few times and people start sending you deodorant. For men. (Free deodorant! Score!)

I love the pencil, as I am definitely, positively wild about learning. The only problem is that I sent you my pencil sharpener, so I just totally Gift of the Magi'd myself. Devil!

Once I'm done partying with Gary Busey in Frisco, NC (which may go for an extended period, as my new deodorant is time-released), I'll head on over to get you some fancy fudge, Logan. I can take a hint.

Awesome! I knew you had a comprehensive nerd kit! And you gave it to me!
But where's my fucking popcorn!

Stop. You had me at sinus rinse.

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Treasures in the mail

So ... my sister (Madeline Hammersmark) is fucking weird. I'm sure this comes as absolutely no surprise to you, what with us both being the fruit of the same loins.

Basically, she was sending a mutual friend of ours a t-shirt he'd asked for about a year ago (so prompt) and as she is wont to do, included an assload of random objects for his consideration. Since he (Logan) is also sort of cracked in the head, he took photos of these objects and said things about them (I know, totally bonkers, right?)

Since I am desperately lazy, that situation is what you get as a post this week. A day late ish. Enjoy!

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Apparently Hammersmark sent me a shirt based on a drunken request I made a year ago. Upon further inspection, it was more than a shirt! Let's look!

Well at least she knew my full name.

First up, we have the nondescript metal tube, possibly useful for conking purposes. This is followed by the Petty Soul Gem which doesn't even have a soul trapped in it! Now I have to go out and fill it! Rounding out the first batch is a defunct ear thermometer and some wonderful black and white pictures of office equipment! Next time I need to check my temperature, it'll comfort me to know that I now have two broken thermometers!

The next batch is even better! We have some fantastic metal brackets/nuts and bolts that are just oozing with potential. We also have a pair of tweezers shaped like a tiny girl, which I'm now extremely proud to own. There's also a chewable pill that is either a) poison, b) made before 1976 or c) both. These items are of course complete with some more random computer parts, eraser refills for a pencil I don't have, and computer part stickers for components I don't own. Now I can fool everyone into thinking my computer is "Fueled by ATI".

Round three! Let's start out with the 3M privacy filter samples! Maybe next time I'm looking at my private picture collection, I can just keep it relegated to this one-inch square area and people will be none the wiser! This is of course flanked by a SLI bridge! It'll be good company for the other 3 I have and will never use! And since my 12 USB ports aren't enough, I now have a PS/2 adapter straight out of 1999. We also have the world's piddiliest heatsink and anchor screws. The weirdest item has got to be the calcium pills though. Now, God knows I need them, but not only is the bottle half empty, they seem to have ruptured and are sticking to the bottom.

Here's a fun batch! From left to right, we of course first have the NFL trading cards. Unfortunately, they're not of players, but of referees. After I was shocked that these things actually exist, I then noticed they were literally from 1991. I googled one of these guys and he's actually dead now! Next up was honestly what I thought was a pair of panties. Upon closer inspection however, it is a ghetto-skull cap thing, which I'm sure was given to me in order to better fit in with my surroundings. We'll call it "West Greenville on a Friday Night Camouflage". Finally, we have a neat page out of a Resident Evil calendar from 5 years ago. Awesome!

This one is actually really useful! I always need pens that actually write and I always need matches to cover up the smell of Chief farts! However, seeing as I haven't owned a pencil sharpener since 3rd grade, I'd need to gnaw on that thing like a squirrel to get any use out of it.

Finally, I thought this was going to be a note detailing how she raked off a persons desk into a box and shipped it to me. Nope, just a picture of the Hammersmarks! Madeline looks like the offspring of Harry and Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber.

Finally, I did actually dig through to a shirt and it's really comfortable! I also donned my new skull cap! Unless that really is a strange pair of panties, in which case, this is awkward.

Thanks Madeline!

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