The Dark Knight Rises (along with your bile?)

Hey, it's Nico Tuesday! Unfortunately, I'm not Nico, nor is my last name Tuesday! It's Logan! Fixer of computers, drinker of alcohols! Since Nico is on a Sobieski-induced Sims 3 binge, it has been thrust upon me to write a post! Also, seeing as how my creativity ranges from a Gallagher routine to Dane Cook standup, I'm going to cop-out and write a movie review!

First off, let me preface this by saying that I did an oral report in the first grade about how Batman was the person I most looked up to. However, I went into this (and the previous films) with no real expectations. So even with both my love for the source material and the power of my disdain for being around human beings no matter how dark the room is, I basically had no predisposition to this film. Turns out that none of this mattered anyways because The Dark Knight Rises is one of the biggest wastes of time I've ever encountered. That statement holds weight because I own and have seen the movie Monsturd multiple times.

I also own the entire Dolph Lundgren filmography.

If there was one positive thing to be said about the previous installment, it would be about the superb pacing throughout. Batman Begins had problems with the film dragging, but these were understandable seeing as how the movie had to build some sort of foundation to establish the character as a hero and not a psychopath clumsily jumping around in a cape. Somehow though, TDKR has some of the worst pacing I've ever seen in a summer blockbuster. The first hour of this nearly three hour event (!!!) is so poorly put together that you'd think you were in the wrong theater watching a movie about wealthy hermits. I mean honestly, I checked my phone once and I think the movie was actually making the flow of time go BACKWARDS. This is rectified slightly by a superior second half in terms of pace, but this train-wreck's problems go far deeper than just my desire to listen to Christian Bale gravelly slobber out cheesy dialogue.

The real monster at the center of this disaster comes from a lack of desire. If you watch the previous entries, you at least felt like there was some passion behind them. Sure the movies were a bit pretentious and dialogue-heavy for a movie about a guy who dresses up like a bat, but it was mostly entertaining and well done. None of this rings true in TDKR as the entire debacle just reeks of a soulless cash grab. The plot is so erratic and poorly thought out that it never grabs you at all. Moments that should be shocking were only met with groans of "Did I really just spend 15 dollars on popcorn?" or "Being on Mercury would be great right about now."

The sound editing was also one of the most bizarre things I've ever been subjected to.  Maybe this was just my hangover talking, but there were numerous occasions where I felt like the movie was made intentionally loud just because it could. There was simply no congruency between the incessantly loud effects/music and the moments being presented to you on the screen. The one pulse-pounding part of the movie where this would've been appropriate was instead backed with dead silence. Also, don't even get me started on Bane's voice. As if the accent wasn't weird enough, he sounds like Darth Vader would if you heard him from inside a fish bowl. I swear that I. King Jordan was in charge of this film's sound editing.

I just googled famous deaf people. I wish my name was I. King Jordan. Wouldn't it be cool to just say it in public and watch people stare at you because they thought you, as King Jordan of course, were randomly making proclamations?

Throw in some of the most hamfisted one-liners/references ever and you have a movie that is about an hour and a half too long and about a bottle of scotch away from being tolerable.

If you managed to sit through to the end of the whole ordeal without leaving or falling into a plot hole, you're treated to one of the goofiest endings I've ever seen. I would go into specifics, but I'm afraid I'd have an aneurysm by the time I was done trying to talk about how silly and contrived it all was. Either that or I'm just lazy. Bottom line: Don't go see this movie. It's far too long, far too sloppy, and just completely unsatisfying. So when someone invites you to go see The Dark Knight Rises because it's "the bomb" or whatever kids say nowadays, gently kick them in the shin and spend that 10 dollars on a Netflix subscription and watch Breaking Bad in its entirety instead.

Seriously, do it. Walter White is cooler than Batman anyways.

Listen, listen, listen ...

An angel is upon us. He has taken direct control of my computer and fixed the mistake I was unable to repair on my own. He has restored my Sims 3 game, through MAGICK - yes, with a freaking "K".

Who is this? Oh, just Logan.

Stay tuned. The Rosenzweig saga continues. Because Logan.

Happy Nico Tuesday. I have work to do.

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Package!

I have been so unbelievably lazy about writing, y'all. Sorry.

Hey, guys, remember this post?! (hint: it was the last thing I posted)

To get those of you who haven't read that post and are too fucking lazy to do it now (god damn you!) up to speed, I hang out with a bunch of weirdos and we've started sending each other boxes of random crap because we all love each other with the sort of twisted affection which can only be expressed by sweeping the contents of our junk drawer into a box and giving it to the object of our feelings.

First, my sister sent a box to Logan and he said funny things about it. Then she sent a box to Andrew (of Agitated Andrew fame) and he took pictures of the the stuff, but didn't have the decency to write a hate-filled rant about it. I mean, seriously, she can totally take the abuse, you should have at least called her a name. 

At this point, I sent a box to someone who has yet to receive it - or who is just not talking about it. Either is entirely possible. I still cry every night from the not knowing. Anywhoozle, next, I sent a box to Logan and he did exactly what I expected - made everything a billion times funnier than it was. I could post that next week, I just wanted to actually post something this week that I sort of wrote.

So let's get cracking.

Priority Mail, huh? I knew it.

Picking this up was interesting. There's a new girl at the office, and while she was having me sign for it, I said, "you wouldn't believe me if I told you what was in this box..." and she said, "is it a kitten? I'd believe that." So, I'll be asking for her from now on, obviously.

A black pouch?! Damn, you get me. I love pouching stuff.

Hrm. This is just cryptic. Thanks for the dog hair though - I love dog hair almost as much as I love pouching stuff. Unless that's like, grey pubic hair. If that's the case, I hear you. Loud and clear. *picks up telephone*

I'm coloring all of these orange and sending them right the fuck back to you, L.

The vodka we love is also gluten-free?! Man, we are totally in line with the illness everyone thinks they have. We are so freaking hip.

But what really matters is this awesome tumbler. See kids, let this be a lesson to you - all you have to do is annoy your virtual drinking buddy by using a freaking juice glass for several months and they'll eventually send you something vastly superior. Sometimes you don't have to be the squeaky wheel, you just have to be the lazy one. Winning!

Ah, now we're getting into it. So very many things I don't need, but now treasure. Do I like stacks of random shit? No. I love them.

Also, I'm now apparently a fucking millionaire in Frisco, North Carolina, so meet me there and we'll get trashed and laugh at people with zippers. Invite Gary Busey, too - he loves that kinda shit.

Thank god I bothered to read the parenthetical, I almost didn't open this envelope. I can't wait to finally go to Canada and spend the equivalent of just under an American dollar or to Hong Kong to see what I could get for the equivalent of thirteen cents. Once I build that time machine, I'm totally going to England to spend that shilling on like, a loaf of bread or a sheep farm.

The highlight of this collection is Logan wearing a powder blue sailor suit and a Hello Kitty nightgown. This explains ... so much. Including his ruscid magulinity.

God. You sweat through your clothing from just sitting on your couch a few times and people start sending you deodorant. For men. (Free deodorant! Score!)

I love the pencil, as I am definitely, positively wild about learning. The only problem is that I sent you my pencil sharpener, so I just totally Gift of the Magi'd myself. Devil!

Once I'm done partying with Gary Busey in Frisco, NC (which may go for an extended period, as my new deodorant is time-released), I'll head on over to get you some fancy fudge, Logan. I can take a hint.

Awesome! I knew you had a comprehensive nerd kit! And you gave it to me!
But where's my fucking popcorn!

Stop. You had me at sinus rinse.

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