Listen, listen, listen ...

An angel is upon us. He has taken direct control of my computer and fixed the mistake I was unable to repair on my own. He has restored my Sims 3 game, through MAGICK - yes, with a freaking "K".

Who is this? Oh, just Logan.

Stay tuned. The Rosenzweig saga continues. Because Logan.

Happy Nico Tuesday. I have work to do.

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Hey, what's all this crap?

I couldn't decide what to post, so you're getting blog tapas ... and you'll like it.

Here's an awesome e-mail conversation I had with a delightful young man from the Sims 3 fan page on Facebook. I can't recall what prompted him to seek private correspondence with me, because I say so many obnoxious things over the course of a day, I couldn't possibly be expected to remember them all.

If I'm being honest, I'm still not entirely sure what he was barking about. Despite my display photo being very obviously female, Dylon's not the first goofball to pull an aggressive posture toward me as though I were another dude.

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This ... is really something.  Please note that this is posted from a Legacy page, which means this person not only writes a story but is also currently advertising that story.

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This is what happened when I pushed the wrong button on Facebook and it created an ad for my blog, which it tried to sell to me.  It was so funny, we almost bought it ...


...except Facebook said its own ad was too naughty.  To be fair, they did take the text directly from my page. If Zuckerberg's failgorithms could come up with a description like that for me on its own, I'd have to start thinking they worked.

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Here are a few gigglers from my newsfeed: 

(If you don't know what these are, put your finger on your eyelid, and press your nose right here.)
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I think that people who read the Sims story on my blog should have a special nickname, like fans of Insane Clown Posse. Something cool like that. Who wants to be a Nicomo? You don't even have to paint your face, unless you want to.

If I could have just one wish, it would be to have a pygmy marmoset. A close second would be for a pygmy marmoset to read my Sims story. I don't think they can read, though. Maybe you could read it to them? I don't know, I haven't slept in about 36 hours. It's pretty hard to make sense. Read my blog.

It's my Sims story. You will not believe what I've done with this thing. I used verbs, adjectives and nouns, all for your amusement. I even put them into sentences and matched them to pictures. What more could you want? I could sing for you, but you probably wouldn't be able to hear it. That might be better, my story writing is better than my singing. Follow!

This Sims story is obviously hilarious, or I wouldn't be asking you to read and follow it - so why don't I just tell you what it isn't? It's not a helium balloon with a terrifying amount of glitter. It's not a plate of sugar-free cookies. It's not your ex who refuses to stop texting you. It's not Old Gregg ... and it is most definitely not a chore chart.

God said, "...and let there be a Sims story on the Grievances blog." and it was good. Or at least good enough that you should read it. You don't want to ignore god, do you? Sometimes he can get pretty, pretty, pretty cranky.

Blog Sells

As some of you know, I've been whoring my blog out at the official Sims 3 Facebook fan page, which has drastically increased my daily page views. Before then, most of my views could be attributed to the same couple of people checking my blog over and over again to see if I had posted an update or if someone had replied to a comment.

Since I write a Sims story, it would probably be sort of psychotic for me not to seek out Sims 3 players to read my blog.  But, I couldn't just throw my link up once on a page with about 6 million fans and expect that to be enough.  I had to be a nag about it, and post it a few times a day - and I couldn't just link to my Sims story and say, "read my blog, y'all!" because, well - nobody gives a shit.  Do you have any idea how many people write Sims stories?  Everybody, that's how many - and they're all putting their link up and saying, "check out my legacy & follow plz!"

A staggering amount of those people are linking to a story they haven't even started writing yet - a terrifying amount are trying to bore us into a coma with the 100 baby challenge.  What's the 100 baby challenge, you ask?  As far as I can tell, it's an attempt to create something more mind-numbingly eye-drying than stacking saltines on your god-forsaken eyeballs.  I could be wrong.  I wouldn't touch it with your eyeballs.

As a result, every time I post a link to my Sims stories, I have to say something stupid to get the attention of the attention-deficient.  Since you're here, it's safe to assume you actually enjoy the weird crap I spit out on a whim, so I've decided to post a chunk here and there of those fairly ridiculous and sometimes disturbing things I say to get people to come for the Sims and stay for the warping of their minds.

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Check out the Sims story I write for my blog. Everybody hates it. I mean, they love it ... the 15 people I poke with sticks to read it. But if you read it, I won't poke you, I promise.

I have an ongoing Sims story on my blog (among other crap I talk about). The great thing is that reading this story is good for your skin (if you wash your face once you're done reading). It's also calorie-free, and won't make you smell, unless you already do.

Don't read this blog. It will make you grow an extra arm ... from your EYE.
(This one did not work at all. Almost no hits.)

I've fixed the problem of extra arms growing from your eye, so it's safe to read the Sims story on my blog. In fact, I've added a feature where it actually makes your arms ... better. Than they were. Imagine how great your arms could be if you read my story from beginning to end and then followed my blog? Holy crap, it's too wonderful to even think about.

I've placed a magical spell on my blog that will bestow upon all its readers superhuman awesomeness. You can't beat that. Unless you have a really big stick.

I don't actually write this Sims story, the Sims voices within my head do - and they told me to tell you that if you read their blog, they'll give you candy. Personally, I wouldn't trust them. You have no idea how they abuse me.

You know how sometimes you think to yourself, "I'm bored, but lazy. I want to put something into my eyes, and there should be pictures." I have the answer: my blog. It is a terrific waste of your time. Put it into your eyes.

My Sims said that if I don't tell you all to come read about them, very bad things will happen to me. They also said that if I didn't remind people to follow or click the "Like" button on the right-hand side of the blog, I would live to regret it. I'm really worried that even though I did what they told me to do, they're still going to torture me.

You guys should read this blog because 1. There are Sims in it and they're always getting up to something. 2. It's great for your diet, if you eat vegetables while reading it. 3. I love you.

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As an extra bonus for putting up with all of that, here's a recent conversation I had on the Sims 3 fan page, which is probably more difficult to deal with than anything else I've said in this post. Enjoy.