Deeming Eligibility

My favorite male blogger Greg just got an invitation to be included in the 2013 Edition of Worldwide Registry for Business Professionals and of course, he responded appropriately. When I groused to him that I wished I'd also been deemed eligible, he forwarded the original invitation to me, so's I could contact them directly to let my feelings about the exclusion be known.

What follows is the correspondence I sent:

Well, hello there MICHAEL -

This is a fine how don't you do. Why am I always last picked for the kickball team? I can kick a ball. I've been kicking balls since you were a blastocyst and don't you doubt that for a moment - I have the perfect toes for it.

You have made a massive error in over-looking me for your 2013 Edition of Worldwide Registry for Business Professionals. Do you have any idea of what I'm capable? Allow me to educate you.

1. I give the best business hugs in the universe. You couldn't prove otherwise if you tried. I always win a hug.

2. I know precisely how much pressure to exert no matter what the task - be it holding a briefcase handle, typing a memorandum outlining the intricacies of office kitchen etiquette, or kicking open a door because I'm carrying two piping hot cups of coffee and a double-iced bear claw because my assistant took the day off to balm her husband's haunches.

3. My blazers are legendary.

4. I can answer the living frig out of a business call. When my phone's not ringing off the hook because my assistant took the day off to shop for her prank gum and novelty felt, I will answer my colleague's phones as I pass by their office. I always win a phone call.

5. If you have a problem, yo - I'll solve it.

So you might just want to go ahead and inform your Director about my vast qualifications. I assure you that he'll want to halt production of the registry so I can not only be included, but also have my photograph published on the cover as an example to everyone.

I've attached a picture of myself for use. 

Your future boss,

Nico

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