The Immaculate Conception Of Little Dizzle

I make a lot of foolish choices in movie viewing. This is due partially to insomnia clouding my good judgment, and partially Netflix suggesting things with what seems to be a sinister algorithm, bent on tormenting the easily swayed.

This title sat on my list for a few weeks, until finally, I gave in to it. "What could a Little Dizzle possibly be?" I mused.

*sigh*

The story begins with a young man, Dory (Marshall Altman) sitting on some craggy rocks at the edge of the water, reaching for a message in a bottle. He falls in, retrieves the bottle, then cuts himself smashing it open. The message reads "Fuck You."

Nice. That'll give anyone a scorching case of the Mondays.

Next we find Dory sitting at his desk trying to computer program, yet being actively and violently annoyed out of his precious sanity by some chick at an adjacent desk, yapping on her cellphone about shit so irritating, my brain refuses to even recall what the topic was.

Dory goes freaky nuts, screams at her and smashes her cellphone. Yes, Dory, yes. I am on board. Take me on a hay ride of justice with you.

Naturally, the faceless company is forced to let him go, and Dory is forced to take a job as a night janitor in a large office complex with a bunch of crazy people. The leader of the cleaning crew is O.C. (Vince Vieluf). He's fun I guess. Among the crew are also someone called Weird William (Richard Lefebvre) and an oversexed couple named Ethyl (Tania Raymonde) and Methyl (Tygh Runyan).

One of the offices they clean is a marketing research firm currently testing a new formulation for a cookie that gives the effect of being fresh-from-the-oven warm. Tracy (Natasha Lyonne) suggests to the Cookie Company CEO (Lance Rosen) that they surreptitiously test out the cookie on the night janitors, by leaving tons of the cookies in the trash. Now that I type this, it seems like a completely foolproof plan.

The men on the janitorial staff who've been eating the cookies start experiencing intestinal distress, salt cravings and vivid hallucinations. Methyl has some even more psychotic than usual episodes. They keep eating them, I assume, because their mothers never baked them enough cookies when they were kids. Or they're addicted. I'm no doctor.

Meanwhile, as Dory is cleaning the toilets, he finds something strange, bright blue, and possibly moving. As anyone would do in this situation, he calls everyone over to look at it, at which point everyone delivers their best poop jokes, before flushing it down and getting on with custodial work and cookie eating.

It's at this point I find myself unable to cleverly or delicately explain what the baked treats are doing to these men, so I'll just spit it out. The cookies are making them give birth to blue fish from their asses. The fish have no mouths or noses, so they die soon after birth. I feel it bears repeating that fish are wriggling out of men's asses in this film.

I know, I know.

The end of this thrill ride will make you want to click the remote to almost anything else available and attempt to get on with your life without trying to explain what you just saw. I have failed myself and you. My apologies. Rest in peace, Little Assfish.