Time to ingest edibles again, for better or worse.
Here's a treat my mom brought home for me!
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| Not much to say, really. Who wouldn't appreciate a surprise caramel apple? |
Fortunately, I'm not in the habit of biting into fruit I can't visually inspect.
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| Seriously? Seriously. |
When I mentioned my rotting apple to my mother, she said, "yeah, mine wasn't that great either."
She ate hers.
She ate hers.
~~~~~
This next one has a back story that would in no way fully justify or explain why I bought it.
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| Spoiler alert. I should have fed myself the tray. |
My kids never ate these while toddlers. I was curious.
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| Sometimes, you need to learn the hard way. |
This was awful, okay? The flavor was even worse than the appearance. It tasted like sadness - like that sort of depression you enter where you stop feeling anything. A butterfly could alight on your finger and wink at you, and you'd react with a sigh. That sort of mood - but in your mouth, boring your tongue to death.
I tried to make it palatable, so I could finish it. I hate wasting food that has little chance of actually poisoning me. I added Frank's Red Hot.
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| Dammit! Now it just looks sad and embarrassed. |
I can lick Frank's Red Hot from a paper plate, but I still could not make myself eat this ravioli. That means now I've just wasted food
and Frank's Red Hot! I could cry.
~~~~~
An entree'. I found this in my mother's basement freezer, nearly crushed by leftover take-out General Tso's Chicken, Market Day pizzas, mysteriously bagged garlic knots, something so freezer-burned it defied identification, boxes of fully-cooked bacon, and a plastic container of year-old cake slices my mom claims are from the Cake Boss. Her mental processes when it comes to food baffle me.
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| As you can see, she spared no expense |
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| Also, this is expired. Of course. |
But, I went for it anyway, despite that I really
really (it's impossible to overstate how much I really) hate sweet potatoes in any form. I'll just eat around them.
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| Okay, fine. I'll wipe them off things, too. |
Look at that one bit of chicken, refusing to be a joiner. Get in the game, chicken. You were born to be Marsala. I know it looks like barbecue sauce with enigmatic clots, but it's your destiny, and I'm hungry.
This meal startled me with its ability to be consumed without misery. I fully expected to be able to bebop and scat about how horrible this food was for a couple paragraphs, but it was actually pretty damned good - especially for expired frozen food for under two bucks. I'm not even kidding, there is another one of these down in the basement and I have already licked the box so no one else can have it.
~~~~~
Something sweet!
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| The boomCHOCOboom bar. I think a friend of mine used to work there. |
I like to enjoy life as much as the next person, which is why I decided to try this dairy, nut, soy and gluten free treat. I'm lying. I was challenging this candy to deliver, as I couldn't believe anything so free of everything delicious could possibly be an agreeable dessert.
If there is anyone out there who actually thinks this tastes good, it's because they're on a steady diet of straw and oats. It's like biting into a thin bar of soap which has a flavor reminiscent of Nesquik powder. No melty sensation - you just smash at it with your teeth until your mouth gathers enough saliva to swallow it. It has an aftertaste that just won't quit, too
I force-fed a piece to my step dad - he was pissed off and disgusted for a full ten minutes. So I'll give it a point for that. It's a great way to ruin someone's 10 minutes.
Fresh out of people's days to mess up, I threw the rest of the bar out. I didn't even feel bad about it.
~~~~~
Sweet! (part2)
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| At least they're pareve kosher, so you can pair them with either dairy or meat. The choice is yours. |
I'm a glutton for gluten-free experiments. Plus, I wanted to try a cookie constructed without the benefit of typical cookie-making ingredients.
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| Four cookies? But my mom says I'm only allowed to have three at a time. |
I am delighted and astonished to report that the flavor of this product is more like a chocolate chip cookie than it's not. The texture is another story, from another book, on another planet. I have no idea how they managed to get them to look so much like a normal cookie, yet bite so much like a crouton. I feel like I'm in the future. A bad future, where people don't know the sweet glory of a real cookie.
~~~~~
Sweet! (part3)
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| And now you've seen cake that's been frozen for a year. |
Right after I wrote up there *points* about the contents of my mother's basement freezer including an alleged Cake Boss cake, I noticed it had been moved upstairs to the fridge. I couldn't help myself. I needed to know.
I was unimpressed. The icing made me say, "well, okay." The little strip of chocolate ganache between the layers made me say, "alright, sure."
The cake itself? What the hell. This was a simple two-layer cake, but the density was pumped up to support four or five tiers above it. So I'm going to change my use of the term "alleged" to "probably" a Cake Boss cake. Anytime I've watched that show, or any of its ilk, the cakes never look like they'd taste delicious, precisely because they need to be hard as a brick to support whatever stupid shape is happening.
Plus, who the hell wants to eat a cake with components that have been handled and molested by several different people. Think about how much fondant alone is manipulated. Hands smoothing it endlessly. Touch, touch, touch. Mold, touch, fix, adjust, touch.
Touch.
Then you put it in your mouth, because it looks pretty. What are you, a toddler? You disgust me.
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