Conversations

me: I had a dream I was a superhero.
him: Ooh.
me: I could make things hot, but only with my left hand. With my right hand, I could make things cold.
him: So you brought back the McDLT.
me: Shut up.

~~~~~

The men of the house were gone for an overnight trip, so I was home alone with my mother-in-law. I'd slept poorly the previous night, because of this annoying cold I had and I was sleep-deprived. When I'm sleep-deprived and don't have to get anything done, I tend to just sit around, being peculiar, making unnecessary noises and being a pebble in the shoe of anyone around me. I decided to annoy my mother-in-law for the simple crime of being in the same room.

me: Do you like Ted Danson?
her: Uh. No, not really.
(minutes pass)
me: What about Peter Cetera?
her: No, um - not particularly
(several minutes pass)
me: Do you like Chaka Kahn?
her: You mean the real one?
me: ~giggle fit~ Yeah, the real one.
her: No. Well, I suppose he's okay if you like when someone kills a lot of people.
me: Wait. Are you thinking about Genghis Kahn? ~stifled laughter~
her: No, no - you know who I mean, there was a movie or something ...
me: Jesus. You mean Shaka Zulu!
her: Yeah, that's the one.
me: So what about Chaka Kahn?
her: ~gives me side-eyes~

~~~~~

4-year-old: I want to watch kookic funder.
me: what?
4-year-old: kookic funder.
me: cool chick ... funder?
4-year-old: No. KOOKIC FUNDER!
me: don't say it louder, say it slower. I have no idea what those words are.
4-year-old: kookic funder.
me: okay, um, it's "thunder", right?
4-year-old: yes.
me: what's the first word? try to make some sense, kid.
4-year-old: kookic.
me: jesus christ - what is he saying?
5-year-old: I don't know.
me: fruit chick thunder?
4-year-old: kookic funder.
me: gahhhhd. kookish thunder?
4-year-old: kookic funder.
me: for the love of--what is he saying?
5-year-old: I don't know.
me: lucius thunder?
4-year-old: kookic funder.
me: give me strength. nougat thunder? what the hell, seriously. why are you doing this to me.
4-year-old: kookic funder.
me: wait - are you saying Celtic Thunder?
4-year-old: yes, kookic funder.
me: I am going to kill your granny for introducing you to them.
4-year-old: play kookic funder!
me: fine. but not the song about how all god's creatures have a place in the choir, some sing low and some sing higher, some sing out loud on a telephone wire, some just clap their hands or paws or anything they've got now. Because I seriously can't handle that one.
4-year-old: *plays Place In The Choir*

I find this song distressing. Perturbing. Is this a choir of telephones set on risers? Further, since in this ditty, you're either singing or clapping, what of the animals who have nothing to clap? Definitely not an all-inclusive situation. Snakes can't clap. A bird could flap, but the parameters for how to participate in the choir have already been outlined. You sing high or low through a land line telephone, or you clap. That's it. Have you ever seen a penguin clap? Caterpillars are left out. Fuck the alligators, their arms are too short. You know sharks are feeling pretty bad about not being included. Screw you, snails. Try not to fall over clapping, horses and cows. Lay on your backs to clap, toads, we gotta get this shit done. Spiders, pick up the slack. You too, Octopuses. Sea urchins, you shoulda known better than to show up. Legless lizards, honestly - quit wasting our time.

.

Blargh Tapas

I dreamed ...

that the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond punched a foot-and-half long cockroach for me.

that you had to kill rice before you ate it, and that I had a particularly aggressive batch, which I couldn't shut up about on Skype with my best friend Bunny Walker.

that I was an audience member on Conan who was picked to have John Krasinski stand behind her and do that comedic fake arm thing, while he wielded an ax.

that on the same occasion, Jenna Fisher remarked to me that Meryl Streep deserved to get hit in the eyeballs with a car door.

that it was Insult Day and my elderly female next-door neighbor strolled by as I was walking up to my house and shouted, "you're terrible in bed!" to which I replied, "that's not what they complain about!" We both chuckled, she called me a slut and I continued dragging my muddy sled into my front yard, at which point I declared, "I am Eva Mudlark!" then entered my house through the front window, nearly breaking a miniature desk which was sitting on top of my regular-sized desk.

~~~~~

Me: Would you hold a pig, like a baby pig?
Husband: Sure.
Me: Would you smooch it?
Him: ... uh, I suppose if it was being charming enough. And if it was clean. I'd kiss a clean and charming pig.
Me: So. Am I not cleaner and more charming than a pig?
Him: I absolutely refuse to answer that.

~~~~~
Have you ever got bored enough to look for all of your old Google searches? I did. Ob-ser-uv.

I needed to know. E. Studnicka is always talking about what her very hungry pet snail eats.

I probably should have already known the answer to both

I'm sure I just needed to know about the one.

Sometimes you need a delicious snack while looking at pictures of a childhood celebrity crush.

I'm sure these are unrelated.

I can multi-task. Meanwhile, what the snot is "club penguin"?

Their hamburgers are absolute garbage. But what do you expect from a frog.

I got super motivated one day and needed to know how to fix a leaky faucet
as well as everything there is to know about slow-growing brain tumors.

Grizzly Bear the band. I'm not actually obsessed with bears.

I gotta be honest, this is the type of thing I type into Google when I've had a few drinks.

I like Pilgrim Boy.

~~~~~

You done good.

.

Title of Post

Welp, another Tuesday, another hastily assembled update. First, let's look at more Breaking Bad quotes-inspired motivational posters.

You don't want to? Go home. You're already home? Go to hell.

Junk mail!

Facebook ads!

Dreams!

I dreamed ...

that I was waxing a surfboard with a serious sense of urgency.

that when I couldn't find my shoes, someone suggested I wear backpacks on my feet.

that I was talking to a Mexican guy and kept shouting at him, "I eat your burrito!" while he shrugged at me.

that I kept going on business trips with former high school classmate/Facebook friend. During one meeting, where pizza that was cut into squares rather than triangular slices was served, this classmate insisted we eat from the middle to the outside edge, so that the grease wouldn't escape.

that I was walking up to a house in the middle of a junkyard with a friend, who was lagging behind.  I made it to the front stoop, where he caught up to me and informed me that some guy had just shook his hand and then ate yogurt with his finger. This was, according to my friend, some sort of redneck code for something.

Conversations with my husband!

Him: I used to be a hot dish, but now I'm a hot mess - help me Ove' Glove!

Me: I got my first "THIS!" on a message board.
Him: Huh? I don't know what that is.
Me: *explains*
Him. I hate the internet. But congratulations.

Him: ... wait - did you just say that a wild animal stole their rooster and nailed it to a tree?!
Me: No.

Me: I just realized this song is in French.
Him: ... uh ...?
Me: The song. I'm listening to. *gestures toward laptop & earbuds*
Him (relieved): Oh.

Me (touching face and hair): How am I such a greaseball so quickly?
Him: How are you such a ... faceball?

Me: Oooh, a line cook, that sounds fancy.
Him: Dare to dream.

.

Conversations with My Husband 2: Electric Boogaloo

Him: You done with this? ~takes my plate~
Me: Blurmpu. ~splash~
(I've just tried to say "thank you" with my mouth full of water.  We both know ASL for "thank you".)


Me: I saw a picture of Kesha getting eaten out.
Him: Getting what?
Me: Kesha getting eaten out.
Him: Ew.


Me: Do you want to meet Tiny Tim, the miniature tortoise who is smaller than a grape?
Him: No.
Me: Yes you do!


Me: I'm funny!
Him: ...
Me: You're not going to argue?
Him: Nope.


Me: Those postage-paid envelopes are going to get stolen.  I hope they keep them behind the counter.
Him: Is what omelets?


Me: I weigh less than Doug Benson.
Him: Great.
Me: I'm putting that, I'm putting that ... I'm putting that - I'm typing that down.
Him: Mmhmm.


Me: Gew-gle.  Say it.
Him: ...
Me: Say it.
Him: Google.
Me: Say it weird.
Him: Google.  Guggle?  Who was that guy?  There was a guy last night on PBS who said it weird ... Guggle - he pronounced it like "kugel".


Me: Would you wear a Moose hat and go online and be photographed?
Him: I don't know.  I don't care.  Why wouldn't I?  Is it the most shameful thing to happen to a guy?
Me: Shut up.

Me: I like the word "choppy".
Him: Choppy. ~nods, continues reading~


Eldest Son, during dinner: bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, bubbles...
Me: What the ... hell?
ES: bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, bubbles...
Him: He likes bubbles.
ES: bubbles, bubbles, bubbles,bubbles, bubbles...


Him: Stop spinning, stop spinning, stop spinning ... solve it! Oh! How can he not know!? Solve it! Ahh! How can he not know!?


Me: There's gunna be unicorns.
Him: There's newbie unicorns?
Me: I'll be right back.

Eldest Son, upon waking from his nap: Troubles, dot com.

Me: It looks like Steve's Amazon order shipped.
Him: What? Steambob's onion dip? You need to repeat that.

Me: There were two things I was supposed to tell you today, but I can't remember what they were.
Him: Do either of them have anything to do with me being a nugget-head?

Me: What did you think of my new nickname?
Him: What was it?  I can't remember it.
Me: Try.
Him: Princess Bonnet-head?
Me: No.
Him: What is it?!
Me: Lady Brusselbustle.
Him: Is there a story behind that?
Me: No.


Me: I lost my pantiliner, have you-
Him: (an expression that's a mixture of confusion, shock and curiosity with a dash of amusement)
Me: Okay, that answers my question.  You haven't seen it.
Him: Did you have it when you went to bed?
Me: Yes.

Conversations With My Husband

Me: Do you think you'd have a bunch of fun going on business trips with your best friend?
Him:  What?!
Me: It's shocking at this point that anything that comes out of my mouth could surprise you.
Him:  Who's my best friend? Chester Conklin?

I know he's explained to me more than once who Chester Conklin is, but gun to my head I couldn't pick him out in a line up.  I think he's bald.

Me: Hey, did you hear that Pink is pregnant?
Him: (exasperated, almost angry sigh) No.
Me:  You didn't get a Twitter update about it on your mobile device?!
(neither are things he has nor wants)
Him:  It's not information I need to know.

Several months later, when I brought up Pink's retarded and ill-conceived plans to bring her garland-covered child on tour with her before said child was even able to walk, it was clear that he'd forcibly removed the knowledge of her pregnancy from his brain, because he was all, "Pink is pregnant?!" - and I know he wasn't fucking with me because I know where he sleeps.

Me: Why can't we fight like them?
(I'm pretty sure it was Anne Meara and Jerry Stiller)
Then at least you'd have the decency to be amusing about not liking me.
Him: ~non-committal noise which is a combination of "aww" and "oh"~

Me: I didn't get bigger, I got smaller pants.  It's like backfat on parade tonight.  You're just going to have to put up with how fat I look tonight.
(I've actually lost 23 pounds since the first backfat parade, so fuck yeah me.)
Him: ~non-committal noise which is a combination of "aww" and "oh"~

Me: Yes, there are cookies in my bra.
Him: And you're eating them.

There is always something (other than my breasts) in my bra ... earbuds, tissues, a debit card, barrettes, a used Breathe Right strip, etc.  Just the other day, I discovered a sizable crumb in there (always crumbs, always ... crumbs.) so I walked toward the kitchen where husband was standing by the safety gate.  I handed him the crumb, which he threw away, then I said:

"Well, now I know why my boob was itching." 
Him: That was in your bra?!
Me: Yes.
Him: Why did you hand it to me?
Me: Because you put your hand out.

He couldn't argue with the logic.

-----

I am working on the next Sims update, but here's a couple sneek peek picture of the new house I built that the Rosenzweigs will be living in after the next few updates:

It's green.