Hungry? Blog tapas.

Feels like forever since we had some tapas. Let's start with a story.


Apparently, after I left the detox center, I was meant to go directly to some sort of appointment - of which I was not informed - possibly because I am not yet psychic. So, two days after leaving the center, I'm just cooling out in my kitchen preparing a sandwich when I hear a sharp knock at the door. Husband answers it, and I hear a female voice asking for me. Since I know exactly zero people in this entire state who would show up at my door looking for me, I responded in the only appropriate way possible: "Holy crap!"

It's this chick, wearing way too much perfume, telling me that although I'm not in "trouble", I missed that "mandatory" appointment and she was coming to check on me. Basically, she was there to make sure I'd filled my prescriptions (thank god I decided to!), I hadn't had any alcohol since leaving the detox center (nope), and that I wasn't in a bathtub with my wrists all slit and stuff (so far, so very good on that one).

Yadda yadda yadda, she hands me a card, and to prove that I'm diligent I immediately turn around and move to put it on the bulletin board behind me. Right on top of a birthday card for husband which reads, "BEER BEER BEER BEER BEER is the answer". Grate.

~~~~~

Anti-depressants sort of make my properties noticeably ... slowed. I can often be found just staring at shit that doesn't warrant being stared at. Which will explain these next two pictures.

 

Not sure why the idea of Pop Tart "gear" vexed me so much, but it did. Am I going to have to start gearing up for eating toast and bagels too, or is it only fruit-filled items I'll be toasting? I'm exhausted already.

Thank god they're still putting directions on things that should be self-explanatory to any sentient being, because when Husband isn't applying the toothpaste tube itself directly to his teeth, he's smacking himself in the face with the box of Cheez-Its, lamenting his continuing hunger.

~~~~~

Just over a year ago, I used to spend a lot of late-night time on the Sims 3 Facebook fan page, largely being annoyed (because I wasn't yet drinking all the time), and thus spending a huge amount of time just reporting annoying 11-year-olds and spammers, because sometimes you need to take a break from trying to write your blog. I've had this picture sitting in a folder since then, and I still can't figure out why it tickled me so at the time, especially since I didn't actually report the page.

~~~~~

Celebrity-themed junk mail!!!

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Facebook ads!

...and finally, one of my last drunken Skype dates with my sister. It is my very mature reaction to her accidental spillage of liquid cheese.

That's my "very, very drunken hair" happening there. It's having a party of its own.
Anyhoo, love you all. Some of you more than others, but if you play your cards right ...

Title of Post

Welp, another Tuesday, another hastily assembled update. First, let's look at more Breaking Bad quotes-inspired motivational posters.

You don't want to? Go home. You're already home? Go to hell.

Junk mail!

Facebook ads!

Dreams!

I dreamed ...

that I was waxing a surfboard with a serious sense of urgency.

that when I couldn't find my shoes, someone suggested I wear backpacks on my feet.

that I was talking to a Mexican guy and kept shouting at him, "I eat your burrito!" while he shrugged at me.

that I kept going on business trips with former high school classmate/Facebook friend. During one meeting, where pizza that was cut into squares rather than triangular slices was served, this classmate insisted we eat from the middle to the outside edge, so that the grease wouldn't escape.

that I was walking up to a house in the middle of a junkyard with a friend, who was lagging behind.  I made it to the front stoop, where he caught up to me and informed me that some guy had just shook his hand and then ate yogurt with his finger. This was, according to my friend, some sort of redneck code for something.

Conversations with my husband!

Him: I used to be a hot dish, but now I'm a hot mess - help me Ove' Glove!

Me: I got my first "THIS!" on a message board.
Him: Huh? I don't know what that is.
Me: *explains*
Him. I hate the internet. But congratulations.

Him: ... wait - did you just say that a wild animal stole their rooster and nailed it to a tree?!
Me: No.

Me: I just realized this song is in French.
Him: ... uh ...?
Me: The song. I'm listening to. *gestures toward laptop & earbuds*
Him (relieved): Oh.

Me (touching face and hair): How am I such a greaseball so quickly?
Him: How are you such a ... faceball?

Me: Oooh, a line cook, that sounds fancy.
Him: Dare to dream.

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Eat your blog tapas now, children ...

...for there will be no blog tapas in hell.

Let's start off with some scam spam, shall we?

Here are a couple of gems captured and given to me by my friend and fellow simmer, the lovely Lauren:

Here's what happens when I've been awake long past my bed time:

Here's some more of these stupid things:

You've probably heard a lot of rumors about me being a real jerk. That's true. But I make a mean biscuits and gravy. What does this have to do with Sims 3? Almost nothing. Although, my blog has a Sims story on it that's so funny, it will teach your grandmother to suck eggs. Don't ask how I found this out.

So ... I write a blog. There's a lot of random cursing on it, but there's also a Sims story which is so funny, your underwear will disappear right out of your laundry basket, never to be found again. Other than being the author of this story, I have absolutely nothing to do with your missing underpants, just to be clear.

I may make many empty threats regarding my blog & Sims story (such as the disappearance of your underpants) but one thing I will never threaten is to stop writing it if people don't "Like" or follow my blog. In fact, I'm going to keep writing it whether you like it or not. You're not the boss of me. Anymore.

Sims story. Blog - much other random, insane ranting. But a lot of Sims story. You read. I write. It works good this way. New chapter Tuesday. I promise. You believe.

I betcha if you go look at my Sims story, your eyeballs won't fall out or nothin'. At least not since I fixed that issue with the random jabbing. Chapter 24 drops tomorrow, and I yelp in pain about two seconds later.

-----

Here we have more junk mail:

Here's proof that my mother has insane taste in toys for my children (although it's not quite as bad as the maniacally giggling and dancing monkey or the banshee-in-a-box):

It's remote controlled and the eyes light up. In red.


Finally, I didn't want to fill up my entire Tuesday post with this silliness, but I figured some of you might be interested, so click here for the Mae Incident.

Now, click something.
.

Did you know it was Tuesday?

I didn't. Ewps.

Let's start with one of my favorite times I annoyed the crap out of someone on the Sims 3 fan page. I'd like to say that hilarity ensued, but it was probably only me laughing.

More of this:

I just checked my watch and when I realized I wasn't wearing one, I decided it must be time to plug my Sims story, since the last time I checked my watch, I'm pretty sure I had one. I'll have to look into that. Or, adjust my medication. Either way, if you haven't been here before, please come. According to my doctor, I'm not dangerous to others.

You guys should really learn to clean up after yourselves - I just tripped over this link that was lying right in the middle of the floor. Never mind that I left it there and that it's for the blog where I post my Sims story, which will be updated next week. It's still somehow someone else's fault that I nailed my head on a cabinet not paying attention to where I was walking. So ... just let that be a lesson to you.

If you haven't checked out my Sims story, you really should. The newest chapter will be posted next week, but there is a new non-Sims post today to keep you amused. If you don't like being amused, this is the wrong link to click. Unless you enjoy the righteous indignation of being made to feel something you never wanted to feel in the first place. Then it's just perfect.

I don't have a new Sims update today (that should be next week) but I do have a new non-Sims update up. For those who haven't visited yet, there's a Sims story here that'll blow bubbles in your gum and smack your little brother for messin' with your stuff.

You can't drink a blog link, or a Sims story. I tried, and it's not at all a pleasant experience. Learn from my mistakes, I beg of you. Anyway, I'll have a new Sims chapter next week, but for now, you can have an update that, while not lemonade, can be refreshing if you need to put funny in your eye.


A little more scam spam:

This is something I eat:

This is the card my husband came home with when I asked him to get a graduation card for my cousin:

This is how I made it awesome:

This is your brain on Facebook Ads:

And finally, these are why I always check my junk mail:

Now click a damned button, all of you.