Bridesmaids

Well, here we all are, about to read another one of my shitty movie summaries.  I'm finding it hard to muster up any type of feelings, in either direction, about this film.  I know almost everyone was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs about how freaking hysterical Bridesmaids was and how it was the work of a group of really funny women, but I gotta say - I don't really give a shit.  I'm not going to judge any movie based on it being  "funny, for a girl".  That's bullshit. 

So, here's another play-by-play - now, there will be spoilers, but really, even if you haven't seen it, you've seen it.  Trust me. We've all seen this, albeit perhaps with less fecal splatter.

*****

This flick jumps right in with both buttocks ... Ted (Jon Hamm) & Annie (Kristen Wiig) are having embarrassing sexual relations.  Afterwards, they decide through the powers of conversation that they're not in a relationship. This makes me want to turn around and punch myself in the ass.  She leaves, mercifully.  Why can't I?

Annie and her best friend Lillian (Maya Rudolph - who looks like absolute rat shit anymore, what the hell) steal an aerobics class then eat lunch together, talking about how shitty men are with spinach in their teeth.

It seems that Annie's bakery business (CakeBaby) has failed and she now works in a jewelry store, yet when a young couple comes in to purchase an engagement ring, she heaps depressive abuse upon them.  I think she's confused - this isn't a Thanksgiving dinner, it's a place of business.

Lillian has become engaged and informs Annie in the most original way possible - by boring the shit out of me.  Then, Lillian offers Annie an apple and asks her to be her maid of honor.  Well, at least that was different.

Lillian's engagement party is mega frou-frou fancy.  The bridesmaids are: Rita (Wendy McLendon-Covey), Becca (Ellie Kemper), Megan (Melissa McCarthy), and Helen (Rose Byrne) - she's a horrible, fancy bitch. We really don't like her. Try to remember who everyone is, because I am not going to repeat myself unless I took too many muscle relaxers.

During the toast to the happy couple, Helen is claiming to be super best besties with Lillian. This won't do at all, since Lillian and Annie have been friends since childhood, so Annie is forced to publicly piss a circle around Lillian. Helen retaliates with her own stream by speaking Thai in an attempt to prove she is, indeed, a closer friend of the soon-to-be bride. Annie counters by speaking Spanish - something about a blue house and a school, I think. At this point, they're down to staring, which inevitably leads to singing. Dueting, actually - That's What Friends Are For.

On the way home from the party, Annie is pulled over and given a sobriety test by Officer Nathan Rhodes (Chris O'Dowd).  She chooses to prove her sobriety by performing a strange and almost distressing dance.  The adorable, accent-bearing cop doesn't give her a ticket for her broken tail lights.

Helen and Annie meet at a country club where Helen's stepchildren cheerfully abuse her.  Then they have another contest over who's a better friend to Lillian. Both of them win and lose concomitantly, is my decree. Then, Melanie Hutsell pukes onto the screen and I brace myself for impact. Seriously, just her face makes me want to harm myself.  There's a tennis doubles match, and they pelt Helen with tennis balls all slow-mo, ho.

The bridal party meets to go dress shopping. Annie takes the bridesmaids to a Hispanic restaurant of some description and attempts to plan the bridal shower and bachelorette party, but Grandiose Showyface & Annie are too busy waving their dicks all over the place, so nothing ever gets settled.  I know, I know - again, this isn't Thanksgiving dinner, y'all. 

The dress shop is unbelievably snooty, which is of course why everyone gets food poisoning at an unprecedented speed and severity. What follows is something I will not repeat, but I will say it was pretty funny, for a girl (not really, unless maybe you're my mother or Bunny Walker).

God dammit, Annie is having intercourse with that raging jackass Ted again! He refuses to attend Lillian's wedding with her, because he's made entirely of discarded foreskins.

Annie sees the charming cop again, but because she's too stupid to live, doesn't realize how great he is, even though they share carrots on the hood of his squad car.

Annie tries to convince everyone to go to a nice, reasonable lake house for the bachelorette party, but the bridesmaids don't want to do anything but Vegas.  Which is a really odd choice for Frilly McDebutante, but it seems like a plot point, so let's just go with it.

They board a plane en masse, which sounds like a crack about Melissa McCarthy's tush, but I'm way too tired for that type of shenanigan at this point.  Annie is terrified to fly, so Splendid McGrand-Blouse hands her some pills to make the whole ordeal go more smoothly.  Annie happens to be sitting next to someone who's even more freaked out, which really lifts her spirits ... not to mention, the highball glass of scotch has really helped the pills along, so Annie is now free to move about the cabin.

What happens next is a flustercluck of  "oh, come on." which makes less holy sense than a game of Mad Libs - suffice it to say it ends in them all being removed from the plane and never getting the chance to suck on their cockenballs lollipops or hop around in public on their air-filled phallus. Devil!

Since the mid-air debacle was clearly all Annie's fault, Lillian goes right ahead and puts that Richie Snobblehead in charge of her bridal shower.  How nice for her. 

Annie finally goes out on a date with the cute cop. In a phrase, she hits it and quits it.  Damn you for making me say that, movie.

At work, Annie gets fired for calling a teenager a cunt. Honestly, it's the best thing I've seen her do.

The bridal shower appears to be P-themed: pink lemonade, pony rides, puppy favors.  Sterling LeSpoonmouth gives Lillian a trip to Paris. A fucking trip to Paris.  Annie finally flips. Thank god. Lillian and Annie throw down, while the very angels cheer.

On her way home, Annie gets into a wreck (she hits a porcupine, how rare).  Her delightful cop friend arrives on the scene and yells about her tail lights.  It's at this point that she falls into levels of depression only fixable by Megan coming by with half a dozen party puppies to tell her to stop being an asshole, along with a montage of I'm-screwin'-my-head-on-right-and-no-one-is-tellin'-me-it-ain't scenes.  Ah, bless.

But what's this? The cop is no longer interested in her, and not even baked goods will change his mind.  It's okay, I think I've seen this movie already, I'm pretty sure it will all work out in the end.

Dainty von Sophisticate visits Annie because Lillian is missing.  They ask the handsome cop for help but first have to commit a series of inane crimes to get his attention.  They almost immediately discover that Lillian is actually just at her apartment.

Turns out Helen (I'm tapped out, y'all) made the wedding too expensive for Lillian's father to afford and now she realizes that this stupid wedding sucks without her bestest for reals best friend.  What a shock and just in the nick of time.  Let's get hitched before I fall into a coma.

Wilson fucking Phillips sings Hold On at the wedding.  They might as well, I suppose.

Annie gets the cop and I get the satisfaction of wasting my time somewhere other than the internet.  Until now.  Ah, shit.

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