This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Here is the blog tapas you ordered.

4-year-old: In Austin, the floors were soft and didn't have dust all over them. Here, the floor is hard and it has dust.

Me: Mmhmm.

4-year-old: In the future, we can go back to Austin.

Me: No sweetie, we can't go back to our old apartment, somebody else lives there now.

4-year-old: Why does somebody else live there?

Me: Uhh...

4-year-old: Because I will go there and I will kick them out. Hard.

Me: You're cute.

4-year-old: Then I will open the door up and tell them, "You can't live in Austin anymore!"


IM with my best friend Bunny Walker

Me: you have cute feet, though
Me: my MIL keeps trying to get me out for a pedicure and I'm like "MY FEEEET?! NO."

Her: Thanks. They are persistently troublesome. Dry toes. Friends keep trying to gift me pedis. Nooooooope.

Me: dry toes. that's hilarious
Me:may I flirt with you for a few seconds?

Her: Well alright.

Me: I have some really good lines I've been working on

Her: Hahaha

Me: "you smell like peaches and there is NOTHING wrong with your vagina."

Her: Whoa! That escalated quickly.

Me: "your crotch does not disturb"
Me: these could use some work

Her: Mmm hmm. Sooooo why are you practicing pickin up chicks?

Me: "may I poke it?"

Her: Jesus.

Me: I'm sorry, I'm just making myself laugh

Her: Ok, I gotta go back to being harassed by my home life. Luv u.

Me: I don't really want to poke your vagina


So this is what happens when you have to rip stuff out of magazines to make collages for your kid's homework.

Being from south Jersey, this gives me an inordinate amount of rage. HoagieS rolls? Philly style? No. NO.
They're split completely in half! I have never once had a hoagie on a roll that was split in half.
Fucking hoagies rolls.

Action Bishop sold separately.
I wasn't even aware I had a bubble problem to solve.

Here's how I've been annoying celebrities on Twitter:

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7 comments: said...

Another good one is, "Can I borrow your sperm deposit slot for a minute?"

Extra difficulty points for using this line successfully in church.

Nico Morley said...

I have a vagina. Would you like to borrow it?

Reanna said...

Fully split hoagie buns! The thing you're putting in there is cylindrical, going to get slippery, and wants to roll. What genius thinks constructing this delicious meal of spare animal parts benefits from additional challenges?

Nico Morley said...

The idea of hoagie contents wanting to roll - desiring to roll - is giving me the giggles.

Vesta Vayne said...

Why no pedicures? Are your feet ticklish?

Reanna said...

Rolling hoagies... there's a cartoon in there for sure.

Nico Morley said...

I don't like people making fun of my toes, Vesta! Also, yeah. Very ticklish.

Reanna, it would be like "GAH! Watch out, it's the rolling hoagies!" Then someone would say, "Wait. It's okay. Take heart. We can eat these. I have some vinegar."

Probably needs a little punching up.