Conversations

me: I had a dream I was a superhero.
him: Ooh.
me: I could make things hot, but only with my left hand. With my right hand, I could make things cold.
him: So you brought back the McDLT.
me: Shut up.

~~~~~

The men of the house were gone for an overnight trip, so I was home alone with my mother-in-law. I'd slept poorly the previous night, because of this annoying cold I had and I was sleep-deprived. When I'm sleep-deprived and don't have to get anything done, I tend to just sit around, being peculiar, making unnecessary noises and being a pebble in the shoe of anyone around me. I decided to annoy my mother-in-law for the simple crime of being in the same room.

me: Do you like Ted Danson?
her: Uh. No, not really.
(minutes pass)
me: What about Peter Cetera?
her: No, um - not particularly
(several minutes pass)
me: Do you like Chaka Kahn?
her: You mean the real one?
me: ~giggle fit~ Yeah, the real one.
her: No. Well, I suppose he's okay if you like when someone kills a lot of people.
me: Wait. Are you thinking about Genghis Kahn? ~stifled laughter~
her: No, no - you know who I mean, there was a movie or something ...
me: Jesus. You mean Shaka Zulu!
her: Yeah, that's the one.
me: So what about Chaka Kahn?
her: ~gives me side-eyes~

~~~~~

4-year-old: I want to watch kookic funder.
me: what?
4-year-old: kookic funder.
me: cool chick ... funder?
4-year-old: No. KOOKIC FUNDER!
me: don't say it louder, say it slower. I have no idea what those words are.
4-year-old: kookic funder.
me: okay, um, it's "thunder", right?
4-year-old: yes.
me: what's the first word? try to make some sense, kid.
4-year-old: kookic.
me: jesus christ - what is he saying?
5-year-old: I don't know.
me: fruit chick thunder?
4-year-old: kookic funder.
me: gahhhhd. kookish thunder?
4-year-old: kookic funder.
me: for the love of--what is he saying?
5-year-old: I don't know.
me: lucius thunder?
4-year-old: kookic funder.
me: give me strength. nougat thunder? what the hell, seriously. why are you doing this to me.
4-year-old: kookic funder.
me: wait - are you saying Celtic Thunder?
4-year-old: yes, kookic funder.
me: I am going to kill your granny for introducing you to them.
4-year-old: play kookic funder!
me: fine. but not the song about how all god's creatures have a place in the choir, some sing low and some sing higher, some sing out loud on a telephone wire, some just clap their hands or paws or anything they've got now. Because I seriously can't handle that one.
4-year-old: *plays Place In The Choir*

I find this song distressing. Perturbing. Is this a choir of telephones set on risers? Further, since in this ditty, you're either singing or clapping, what of the animals who have nothing to clap? Definitely not an all-inclusive situation. Snakes can't clap. A bird could flap, but the parameters for how to participate in the choir have already been outlined. You sing high or low through a land line telephone, or you clap. That's it. Have you ever seen a penguin clap? Caterpillars are left out. Fuck the alligators, their arms are too short. You know sharks are feeling pretty bad about not being included. Screw you, snails. Try not to fall over clapping, horses and cows. Lay on your backs to clap, toads, we gotta get this shit done. Spiders, pick up the slack. You too, Octopuses. Sea urchins, you shoulda known better than to show up. Legless lizards, honestly - quit wasting our time.

.