subheading

This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?





Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Facebook Ads

You know those little ads on Facebook that you largely ignore?  Well, I can't ignore them, because they're insane - so I started collecting them.  I don't know a damned thing about the algorithms involved in how they pop up on my page - if you tried to explain them, please believe that I wouldn't understand a word you were saying and it would only end in me squeezing my eyes shut and calling you Mark Fuckerberg until you just stopped trying.  

So. I'm going to show some of these ads to you and then say things about them.  Simple enough, yes?

The first thing I started to notice is that Facebook is obsessed with birds.  It can't shut up about them.  I don't know why, because I don't own a bird, nor am I a parrot.


That last one's less of an advertisement, more of a Mad Lib.  "I Love my Parrot.  It's not a... felony, is it?"  Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Here you've got your strange dwelling/bucket list - because before you die, you definitely gotta live in a watermelon or house that's been through a catastrophic calamity.

They're talking about the town in which I reside - I can't tell you where that is, but I can tell that there are definitely no mountains or majestic water falls.  Which really bums me out.  Show me something cute, me.

Mmm ... delicious, mouth-watering, pygmy marmosets. 


The one on the left would only happen over my dead body, and whatever is going on with the right kinda looks like it's growing on a dead body.  So ... it a no for both, Facebook ads.

Here again, Facebook ads take the inexplicable route.  I would definitely need the help of peyote to explain the ad on the left and uh, hey - I do not fish, I am not fish, my name's not fish, I have not fish.

Along the same vein of hard to explain, the first ad seems to be a conversation already in progress.  For the ad on the right, my reply is that I can fill a table full of unrelated and useless crap all by my lonesome, no problemo.

Ah, babies - who doesn't love 'em?  Although I think these could do with some better wording.  I'm pretty sure I'd end up disappointed when clicking the first ad didn't result in a pregnant baby bag in my mailbox.  Also, as interesting as I might be in becoming a surrogate mothers, I don't think a Facebook page is where I'd get my information.

Now, these are much better ads involving babies.  I can tell you from experience that you always, always want to get samples before making a final decision on a baby.  As for becoming a social worker in only one short year - I figure if a baby can do it, I've definitely got a shot.

These two ads right here basically rest my case for why I never leave my apartment unless absolutely necessary.  I don't don't need to run into this shit, my dreams are already wrong enough.

How. Ever.  I would most fucking definitely leave my house to see the fat kid riding the snail.  Are you kidding me?  Also, if you don't know why the first ad is awesome, you are not.

Okay.  I like bargains as much as the next blogger, but Staff Member has got to be the worst video game ever.  Walmart, however, is getting my respect on this one for truth in advertising - because every fucking sticky, feral kid I run into in their store looks exactly like that.

I'm still collecting Facebook ads.  We'll see what happens.
submit to reddit
add to del.icio.us saved by 0 users

14 comments:

Darryl said...

"I love my Parrot. It's not alive anymore, so caring for it is a breeze." (Although I'm not too crazy about the breeze distributing dead parrot odour)


RE: Canary outlet (Brace yourself, this one is painfully obvious)

"I blue my canary."

I just woke up. Give me a break.

Unknown said...

Okay. But you'll have to start carrying around a tape recorder. It's for your own good.

E. Studnicka said...

I know one thing I will not do before I die...

join facebook.

Unknown said...

That means you'll never "Like" me. Then again, you'll never get a Farmville or Mafia Wars request.

E. Studnicka said...

WTF?

Madeline Hammersmark said...

Exactly.

Unknown said...

That turned out to be more fun than I thought it would.

Darryl said...

I have seen actual gift cards for Mafia Wars/Farmville in the racks above the checkout line at my local grocer.

What is this world coming to? I think I want off!

Unknown said...

Me first. I found my realville tomatoes sullied with Farmville stickers once.

Darryl said...

No need to be pushy. You're more than welcome to step off with me, in fact I've got a great spaceship lined up for just this matter. It's got a Nutri-matic beverage machine that will make you a great cup of what is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. You'll love it.

As for your tomatoes...I feel like that story could use a healthy dose of elaboration.

Unknown said...

I have a feeling that you imagine every mundane happening in my life is fraught with hilarity and back-story.

Here's what happened: I went to Target and bought a four-pack of vine-ripened tomatoes. Once home, I did about 15 boring things. Then, I had a hankerin' - I HAD to have a tomato. What I found stuck to those ruddy orbs nearly choked me with rage: a sticker, advertising free Farmville cash just for signing in and entering a code. Devil!!

Darryl said...

I know that you deeply value my inconsequential life musings as much as I do, so I'll share some facts with you.

1. I can only read your old blog posts so many times before suffering dramatic content-related withdrawals.
2. The post that I'm commenting on right now spearheaded a short-lived campaign of my own to pay attention to the absurd ads that facebook concocts. After saving one moderately humorous ad, I installed software called 'AdBlock' that has excelled at its eponymous duty.
3. Your blog has inspired me to start my own blog against all my previous reservations on the matter (I promise this isn't a thinly veiled plug!) Mine is shamefully drab compared to yours.
4. I found a perfectly terrible looking movie, and I very much hope that it assaults my senses in even a fraction of the way "The Room" did, because I plan to review it. (Another Nico Inspiration. Again, I doubt it will hold a candle to your incredible reviews.) If the movie is bad enough, I might even sucker you into watching it and sharing in it's potential insipidity.

Unknown said...

I just re-watched a horrible movie I plan to review in the very near future. Once recovered, I MIGHT be convinced to watch another piece of crap.

Don't even pretend I'm not going to stalk you.

Anonymous said...

I miss so much viewing the internets on my phone... Or maybe I don't, I can't tell.