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This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?





Thursday, March 17, 2011

I play Sims (part18)

Before we get to the Sims story update, I wanted to talk about how completely awful it is.  Since I mentioned in my last update that I was keeping track of exactly how long it took* - from gameplay to story writing - to get one of these things put together, I felt it was necessary to explain that this one is basically a shit sausage.  I honestly feel it's the worst one I've ever done - but since I've already invested so much time in it, and I can't just leave a gaping plot hole or delay posting it any longer - here's me, phoning it in. 

*Twenty-four solid hours - which, when you consider the amount of time most people working in offices spend dicking around on Facebook and Farmville, that's basically a full week of work.

My only explanation is that right before I started the joke-writing portion of the story, the internet spewed forth the demon child that is Rebecca Black, who forcibly inserted Friday into my brain - and trying to stop the almost constant paroxysms of incredulity is taking up a lot of my synaptic energy.  If you are one of the lucky few who've yet to be infected, suffice to say that it makes the lyrics of Christina Perri's Jar of Hearts sound like fucking Shakespeare.

Without further procrastination...

Shang Simla, China is a lot like the other destinations Rachel has visited.  There's an adventure board:
There's some collecting to do:
There's a lot of people to talk to:

Sometimes, you end up just standing in an awkward cluster, for no apparent reason:

Of course, there's always those times you have to pause at the entrance of a tomb, looking fretful and then exquisitely determined, while framed by the landscape:
You know - the usual vacation/adventuring bullshit.  There's also a lot of running around, something Rachel doesn't mind bringing up with her point person, quite dramatically.
So, one of the first things Rachel has to do is go talk to the dude in the brown Hoodiesweater.



Unfortunately, the conversation with Hoodiesweater went from wtf? to worse fairly quickly, so Rachel excused herself as abruptly as possible to meet back up with her point person, who could not have been more excited to see her again.

Rachel's next assignment involves another typical vacation activity: tomb raiding - which tends to include the same elements no matter which tomb you're in.  It all runs together, anyway - at 3am, when you've taken an extra painkiller.

You've got your dive wells:
Collecting:
Conversations with the dead:
Opening a sarcophagus or two:

Pushing statues:

and whatever this is:
Hang on, what's happening now?


At least there's a treasure at the end.
Her mission accomplished, Rachel reports in.
Right after she gets her next assignment, Rachel's point person favors her with her best Gene Simmons impression:
Rachel is not thrilled to realize she's been sent back to Hoodiesweater's place again.

This time, he invites Rachel inside - fearfully, she accepts the invitation.  It wasn't her best idea.
Yeah.  You saw that right.  The first thing Hoodiesweater does is pick up a handful of dirt and eat it.

Hoodiesweater's response is ... inscrutable.



I Play Sims (part19)

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24 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think you are wrong about this being shit sausage. I quite enjoyed it, especially the Italian bit. (Laughed so loud as to interest my husband.) Of course it is St Patricks Day after noon. ;) But yeah, don't stop!

E. Studnicka said...

I'm with zaggy. I actually think you deemed this one a failure just so you could use the aforementioned expression.
Ho ho ho! Trying to fit a rock/dinosaur foot/fossilized turtle in your back pocket! That is SOOO You, Rachel!

Unknown said...

Unfortunately, I stole the "Italian bit", so ...

Madeline Hammersmark said...

"Wear a sweater or a hoodie"

Roffle.

Darryl said...

The Italian bit is a 30 Rock reference, no?

Also: what was meant to be a gloriously productive day fueled by coffee and cigarettes quickly devolved to larking about, riveted by the wildly unsettling lives of Rachel Zoe & co.

I will start name-dropping around the office water cooler in true "Analrapist" fervor post-haste.

Unknown said...

Darryl, you look like a man I could be best friends with.

To answer your question: yes. You win bragging rights for locating my stolen joke, and 10 extra friendship points for referencing Arrested Development. Friendship points do not convert to dollars, but they do bring you to new levels of friendship.

Darryl said...

You may be on to something with this friendship sentiment; while perusing a greater portion of this blog than I am currently willing to admit, I encountered a veritable plethora of impressive and ultimately geeky references. Not only that, you've definitely given me a swift kick in the funny junk with your steel-toed humour boots.

I think it's safe to say we have a very bountiful future of absurd rambling and general tomfoolery ahead of us.

post-script, I feel that my participation in this blog grants me a spot in a very cool and exclusive social club. Don't sell out!

Unknown said...

Oh, indeed - it's quite an exclusive club ... and if by "don't sell out!" you mean, "don't become famous, I want you all to myself!" fret not, my dear. I'm the whistle only a precious few people hear.

Darryl said...

Either way, now that you've gained my readership (and perhaps friendship too) I will require timely and consistent new reading material to rot away what's left of my mind.

In the mean time, I have got to go buy a leather jacket for when I'm riding my hog and have to enter a controlled slide.

Unknown said...

I don't know why that damned "controlled slide" comment is so hilariously familiar. I'm vexed! Husband guesses Fear and Loathing, but I think it sounds a bit like Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I can't be witty until I know.

Darryl said...

That's a George Michael original looking to impress his cousin.

I'm so very happy that I made you think of Always Sunny though, because that is perhaps my favourite tv series.

Now that you know, you may commence wittery.

Unknown said...

While I'm busy putting my nose to the grindstone, I'm going to need you to start the paperwork necessary to get the legislation in place so that I may take a second husband.

Darryl said...

Are you sure that you're willing to marry a Canadian?

Also, I think your nose is just fine the way it is. Just write humorous blog posts, instead.

Darryl said...

I feel like you should also know that you've endeavoured me to watch "The Room." So I did.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

Unknown said...

"Does this mean you don't like me anymore?" I ask in a tiny voice.

Darryl said...

You betrayed me... you that good... you, you're just a chicken, chirp-chirp-chirp-chirp, cheep, cheep


I was legitimately hoping that Gob would roll up on his Segway and start mocking Mark alongside Johnny with his own special chicken impression.

Unknown said...

Really, the only thing missing from The Room was the entire Bluth family, each member doing their interpretation of a chicken, as Michael questioned whether any of them had ever actually encountered one.

Erick said...

Ghirt or cardisole! *snort*
~BW

Madeline Hammersmark said...

I fear that my sister may replace me with Darryl...

Unknown said...

That was a joke written with Bunny Walker in mind.

Hammersmark, don't be ridiculous. Darryl won't let me throw him at people who piss me off. He's Canadian.

Madeline Hammersmark said...

That's what we call "Job Security"!

I am a painful weapon!

Erin_Collins said...

This is an absolutely HILARIOUS writing style, some legacys are funny at first but get boring after a while, but not this one!! I love it!

Unknown said...

Well, Erin Collins, I think I might love you.

denimp said...

Amazing(: 'You don't see me wearing a ghirt or a cardisole do you?'