My trip to Fry's

So ... my god damned laptop asploded - on birthday eve.  I loved that stupid laptop.  I had very relaxing, humble and thoughtful plans for it on my birthday.  I was going to do a little online shopping, buy it a nice cooling fan for when I play Sims 3.

Negatory.  Apparently, that voodoo curse someone put on me not only hasn't worn off, but has taken a stronger foothold and is now spitting on my neck while gleefully punching my laptop's innocent, upturned face.

When I say this event ruined my birthday, it is like saying that your obnoxious goy boyfriend making Holocaust jokes at your Aunt Goldie's Passover Seder dinner ruined his reputation within your family.  It's more of an utter and complete destruction, with tears, proclamations, ultimatums and a couple of punches thrown.

Here's the thing: husband is laid off - buying a new laptop is not in the budget.  We just had no choice because if I can't computer, I can't friend & family, can't hobby and I can't write.  If I don't do those things, I make my husband miserable. 

So, I went online and ordered a new laptop from Fry's, which I could pick up from the store about a half hour later.  This is after about 24 hours of pure, unmitigated horror and distress and two days of very little sleep.  By the time I got to Fry's, I was basically death warmed over and completely unburdened by an internal filter.

I walk in and the place is huge.  I had no idea where to go, but instead of feeling self-conscious about this like I normally would and attempting to play it off I went in the other direction completely.  I was as conspicuous as possible, walking around like a confused yokel who'd never seen a fancy big-city store before.  I finally found an employee and explained to him that his store is enormous.  He agreed.  He also told me to go to the check-out and tell them I had a "will call" order.

I waited for a few minutes in line behind a large woman buying two bags of Pepperidge Farm cookies at an electronic store, until I reached the line concierge who directed me to cash register number 12.  I was greeted by a small, quiet Hispanic woman, who could not find my laptop.  In her nervousness, she flung a pen at me while asking me to write my name down.  I asked her what I ever did to her.  She still could not find the laptop. 

Apparently, I was supposed to go to the back of the store to the computer department - they said my cashier would join me in my quest, so I wouldn't lose my place in line. 

"Come on, let's take a walk together!" I said excitedly.  "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." she replied.

The journey was long and the company small and terrified, yet pleasant.  When we finally arrived at the hallowed computer department my companion timidly approached Billy Corgan at the cash register.  Okay, it wasn't actually Billy Corgan - it was a guy who looked like a young Billy Corgan with hair and a hipster stubble beard, dressed like a Mormon. 

My companion spoke.  Billy Corgan leaned down with a measure of irritation and informed her he couldn't hear her.  She spoke again.  Billy looked at me and said, "it's a laptop?"

"Super bad laptop." I corrected, looking into his eyes and nodding, with the straightest face anyone has ever made in their life.  "Super bad laptop." he repeated with an amused smirk before he went to the back to retrieve it.  As the minutes passed, my companion became more tremulous and skittish, reassuring me that my laptop would be coming soon, and that she was so, so sorry.  She also explained that my laptop wouldn't be in a large box, but a small one.  Good to know ahead of time.  I might have thrown a fit, since I was expecting him to roll out with a box the size of a washing machine. 

Billy came back with the laptop and handed it to my cashier.  This is the point where whatever tenuous link I had with how to behave in public ended, full stop.  Billy told me that "bags" were on sale for 15% off and offered to sell me one.  Instead of saying, "No, thank you." like a sane, functioning member of society, I emitted a sound which, once repeated to husband, sent him into a fit of laughter.  It was sort of the word "no", but how a pissed-off duck on quaaludes would say it.

Unswayed by my quacking, Billy offered me an extended warranty.  "Naaawp!" I replied, screwing my face into a disdainful, exhausted expression.  "Are you sure?" he pressed, "after fifteen days it's out of our hands."  Because I am truly, at my core, an evil person when I haven't slept, I gave him hope by thinking about this for a few seconds.  Then I quacked "no" a third and final time - but I put some stank on it.  He gave up.  I'm sure he wanted to punch me in the face and vagina concomitantly.

I turned to my companion in this quest.  She smiled.  I'd just acted like Al Bundy toward a guy who was a little rude to her, so I think she liked me now.  She looked down at the cardboard box she was holding, and the security tape covering the seam.  She looked back up and me and said with an inordinate amount of reverence and happiness, "Is nice!"  I often judge things by their security tape, so yes.  Is nice.  As we walked back to the check-out, she hugged my laptop and said, "Is your borthday present!"  Clearly, I'd given her my crazy.

It wasn't until I got home, repeated my conversations to husband and saw his reactions that it occurred to me that I'd just acted like an escaped mental patient picking up a computer. 

In the midst of all the stress of my beloved laptop dying, as I was shopping for my laptop, I was purely looking at specs and prices.  Would it play Sims 3 without grunting like gassy old man?  Would I be able to add expansions without sacrificing graphics detail or experiencing lag?  Needless to say, when I opened the box, I was not prepared for what I saw.

 A box so fancy, I looked for a nose on which to pin a rose.  Let's open it.

Another box.  I'm exhausted already.

Now there's a bag. If there was anything other than a laptop inside of it, I'd have gone straight to bed.  My arms are weak from all this unpacking, that's why the photo is blurred.

Ohhh.  Seriously?  This is officially the nicest thing is my house.

There's been some sort of mistake. My wrists aren't qualified to rest on real bamboo.  My lower-class sweat will ruin the finish within a week.

Since I know the nerdly will inquire, I'll post the specs.  This is not an effort to brag because I don't fully understand what most of it means.  I do know that this is by no stretch of the imagination a gaming laptop, so it's nothing to really brag about.  When I was shopping, I just sent the link to my sister (who really knows how to computer) for her opinion and she approved. 


ASUS U43Jc-XA1Display: 14-inch Slim-Type LED-backlit HD display (1366 x 768)
Hard Drive: 500GB (5400RPM) Hard Drive (SATA)
Memory: 4GB DDR3 1066MHz

Processor: Intel® Core™ i5-460M Processor (2.53GHz up to 2.8GHz Max with Turbo Boost Technology, 3MB cache) (uh-huh, uh-huh - tell me more I don't understand about this computer.)

Graphics: NVIDIA GeForce 310M 1GB DDR3 VRAM with Optimus Technology + Intel Graphics Media Accelerator HD (this might as well be Portuguese, because I have no idea.)