subheading

This is my blog, and it is dangerous. Do you think I want to die like this?





Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Rich Rant & Nicomos

Before we get to my rant, I wanted to introduce you to the first official Nicomo: The Classic Awesome


She painted my name on her forehead just for my very own amusement.  Hell yeah, you go girl, etc. If that's not a steadfast devotion to nonsense, I don't know what is.  So, who's next?

Now, for the Rich Rant:

-----

Are you rich?  Do boat loads of coin spew from your ass like endless fountains of legal booty tender?  Do you like to spend your aforementioned wampum on pointless things like those little red string Kabbalah bracelets or shit from SkyMall?  Alright, do whatever the hell you want with it.

However, after informing me that your wedding will cost half a million dollars, do not sit there with a straight fucking face and tell me that you're having a "green" wedding.  I happen to know for a fact that if I hit you with a sock full of quarters, I will get arrested, and a solid facial blow with a sock full of quarters is the only appropriate response to a hammerhead like you who thinks that spending a few thousand dollars on recycled paper for their reception menu cards makes their wedding "green".

Hey, jackass.  Recycling paper eats up resources.  A truck comes to pick up paper for recycling, and that truck isn't fueled by your self-satisfaction.  Once the paper gets to the facility, it's processed by machines that again, aren't fueled by dreams of a better tomorrow.  The recycled paper also has to be cleaned of ink, which isn't accomplished with non-polluting fairy dust.  The point I'm laboring to make is that your absurd over-priced recycled paper menus aren't the magical solution this planet has been crying out for. 

So wipe that smug look off your face.

I don't care how many god damned soy candles, or locally sourced food stuffs you have at your reception, it's not going to make up for the ungodly amount of resources the rest of your party is sucking directly from the teat of your precious Mother Earth.  Let's talk about that honeymoon - how exactly are you getting there?  I kinda doubt it's in Fred Flinstone's car, courtesy of your two feet - so that's another tick in the box for "only green when it's convenient/satisfying/fashionable," no?

If you actually cared that much about the planet, you wouldn't be casually consuming the resources whole villages could survive on, every single day.  You don't even have the decency to just be a person who has more money than they need, who spends it any way they damned well please - one could actually have some respect for that kind of person, because they're not looking for something external to legitimize what they do.  No, you have to engage in pointless, ineffectual feel-goodery.  You want applause for your consumption - and with as little effort as possible, since you can hire someone else to do the grunt work for you.

So listen, I'll soil my Underoos for you going green as soon as you carrier pigeon me a handwritten letter from your yurt in Oregon.  Until then, I'll hold my applause while you go soak your stupid head.
submit to reddit
add to del.icio.us saved by 0 users

15 comments:

denimp said...

One word: Amen

Unknown said...

What have I missed on cable television NOW?

Unknown said...

Platinum Weddings on um ... TLC or something.

TheClassicAwesome said...

^^^ And that is why I don't watch television.

E. Studnicka said...

Well I'll have you know that I have your name TATTOOED repeatedly, all over my ENTIRE body in ink made of 60% all-natural admiration, 58% biodegradable rainbows and glitter, 84% green pigment, and 3% compost from animal waste.

Unknown said...

Touche' Classic Awesome. Two shea.

Mili, you are SO lucky I'm no good at math, because I would totally call you on that business. Instead, I will simply demand that you show me the one on your tushy.

SqueakyReerow said...

I would've assumed you were talking about the upcoming Kim Kardashian wedding......Apparently, it is supposed to be the equivalent of the English Royal Wedding, but here...involving non-royals...who are famous cuz why?????

SqueakyReerow said...

Oh....and AMEN!!!

Unknown said...

I'm not following Kim Kardashian's wedding. I'm aware of it, because it's almost impossible not to be, but I don't care.

denimp said...

I would like to say that Kim Kardashian is frankly a bitch... with mental issues, and physical issues, and well, just issues in general.

Unknown said...

I do feel rather deep sigh+eye-roll about the ridiculous amount of money she's spending to be Queen for a day, but that's really all the emotion I can muster up for any of them. Except Bruce Jenner. I feel badly for him.

Deeder said...

I concur!!!!

Laura said...

Hey, I am one of those "green people"! Actually, no I'm not. I'm far from it indeed. In fact, I have a brand new Ipod sitting in a landfill because I left it in a plastic bag and that bag was thrown away. I don't need any green freaks telling me how long that will take to de-compose.

Anywho, have you seen the outrageous kid parties show on TLC or whatever? There was somebody who had a $30,000 party for her son who was graduating from pre-school. Makes me sick. When I graduated from pre-school, I didn't even get a cookie.

Unknown said...

That's not fucking fair at all!

I just now heard about that spoiled brat party show. I would only watch it if I somehow found myself feeling too mellow and needed to get all riled up and rage out.

CoachBeer said...

The only green thing about the last wedding I attended was the groomsman's puke after eating the green wedding cake and downing a half-bottle of peppermint schnapps.