The Rich Rant & Nicomos

Before we get to my rant, I wanted to introduce you to the first official Nicomo: The Classic Awesome

She painted my name on her forehead just for my very own amusement.  Hell yeah, you go girl, etc. If that's not a steadfast devotion to nonsense, I don't know what is.  So, who's next?

Now, for the Rich Rant:

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Are you rich?  Do boat loads of coin spew from your ass like endless fountains of legal booty tender?  Do you like to spend your aforementioned wampum on pointless things like those little red string Kabbalah bracelets or shit from SkyMall?  Alright, do whatever the hell you want with it.

However, after informing me that your wedding will cost half a million dollars, do not sit there with a straight fucking face and tell me that you're having a "green" wedding.  I happen to know for a fact that if I hit you with a sock full of quarters, I will get arrested, and a solid facial blow with a sock full of quarters is the only appropriate response to a hammerhead like you who thinks that spending a few thousand dollars on recycled paper for their reception menu cards makes their wedding "green".

Hey, jackass.  Recycling paper eats up resources.  A truck comes to pick up paper for recycling, and that truck isn't fueled by your self-satisfaction.  Once the paper gets to the facility, it's processed by machines that again, aren't fueled by dreams of a better tomorrow.  The recycled paper also has to be cleaned of ink, which isn't accomplished with non-polluting fairy dust.  The point I'm laboring to make is that your absurd over-priced recycled paper menus aren't the magical solution this planet has been crying out for. 

So wipe that smug look off your face.

I don't care how many god damned soy candles, or locally sourced food stuffs you have at your reception, it's not going to make up for the ungodly amount of resources the rest of your party is sucking directly from the teat of your precious Mother Earth.  Let's talk about that honeymoon - how exactly are you getting there?  I kinda doubt it's in Fred Flinstone's car, courtesy of your two feet - so that's another tick in the box for "only green when it's convenient/satisfying/fashionable," no?

If you actually cared that much about the planet, you wouldn't be casually consuming the resources whole villages could survive on, every single day.  You don't even have the decency to just be a person who has more money than they need, who spends it any way they damned well please - one could actually have some respect for that kind of person, because they're not looking for something external to legitimize what they do.  No, you have to engage in pointless, ineffectual feel-goodery.  You want applause for your consumption - and with as little effort as possible, since you can hire someone else to do the grunt work for you.

So listen, I'll soil my Underoos for you going green as soon as you carrier pigeon me a handwritten letter from your yurt in Oregon.  Until then, I'll hold my applause while you go soak your stupid head.