Lasagne, for the pathologically motivated

My decision to make lasagne for the first time has made me question no longer keeping my freezer stocked with vodka. I would not recommend making this if you are in any way smart and lazy.

But, should you be absolutely insane while also having never made lasagne (something which I am guessing occurs at the same time a lot) I can speak to you as though you are 5 years old and teach you to waste your time like an expert.

First, the ingredients:

1 lb. ground Italian sausage                     12 oz. tomato paste
1/2 c. minced onion                                 13 oz. canned tomato sauce
2 cloves of garlic, crushed                       28 oz. crushed tomatoes
1/2 c. water                                              12 lasagne noodles
16 oz. ricotta cheese                                1 egg
3/4 lb. sliced mozzarella cheese              2 tbsp. sugar
3/4 c. grated parmesan                            1 tbsp. & 1/2 tbsp. salt
1-1/2 tsp. dried basil                                1-1/2 tsp. dried oregano
1/2 tbsp. pepper                                       1/2 tsp. paprika


You're going to want to start this several hours before you expect to eat it, because the sauce needs to simmer for 1-1/2 hours before you can even start assembling the damned thing and the baking time is about an hour for the lasagne itself.

In a large pot (or a Dutch oven, if you have one, fancy pants) cook sausage, onion and garlic until well browned - you may need to siphon off some of the oil to get it to brown properly. Stir in water, everything involving tomatoes, and all of the seasonings (including the tbsp. of salt). Simmer, covered for 1-1/2 hours. stirring occasionally.

Once the sauce is nearly done, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Cook noodles for 8 minutes. Rinse with cold water. Combine ricotta cheese with the egg and 1/2 tsp. of salt.

Assembly! Finally! But yeah, don't preheat that oven (to 375 degrees) until you're about halfway through putting this thing together.

Get you a baking dish. Spread about a cup of the tomato sauce on the bottom.

Place three noodles lengthwise on top of the sauce.

Cover with 1/3 of the ricotta mixture and top that with 1/4 of the sliced mozzarella cheese. If at any point, you pronounce it "mootza-rell" I will find you and smack you soundly. Also, don't slice the mozzarella yourself. I cut my clementine thumb doing it myself. It's almost ruined my life.

Throw down 1-1/2 cups of the sauce and sprinkle with 1/2 of the parmesan cheese.

Place the rest of the layers thusly: noodles, 1/3 ricotta, 1/4 mozzarella, 1-1/2 cups of sauce. Then, noodles, the rest of the ricotta, 1/4 of mozzarella,1-1/2 cups of the sauce, and most of the rest of the parmesan. Top with remaining noodles, cover with sauce, sprinkle remaining parmesan and top with the rest of your mozzarella.

I got lazy with slicing all of my mozzarella, so I used grated to top it. In hindsight, I would have put a lot more cheese on top.

If you're particularly anal retentive about cohesiveness and just have ridiculous amounts of time to kill, feel free to alternate your layers with the noodles going the other way. It'll just mean that you have to sorta piece the damned thing together (this is only recommended for someone who's just been discharged from a mental institution, and finds themselves in need of bland activity) or make extra noodles and cut off the excess and either throw it at hobos or put it under your family's pillows. Be creative about it.

Cover your lasagne with aluminum foil which has been hit with some cooking spray or boy will you be pissed off later. Bake for 25 minutes, remove foil and bake for an additional 25 minutes. Remove from the oven. This step is important, because you can't get the food in your mouth unless you get the food closer to your face. Allow it to cool for 15 minutes before you slice into it, unless you want lasagne soup that burns you so badly, your screeching causes the neighbors call the authorities.

Do I need to remind you to turn your oven off? Turn your oven off.

This is how it should look:

Mangia.
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I Play Sims (part48)

So. What's been going on with the Rosenzweigs lately? Glad you asked.

Baby's getting loved on.

Baby's getting squished.

Baby sucks.

Rachel's still alive, but "well" is a different story. She has gone bananas.

I suppose it could have been worse. At least it's enormous and uses every possible color.

Logan's still privately investigating things, this time for some sort of evil child.
Whom I actually thought was a boy until I noticed the shoes. What is happening with this game and footwear?

"I will pay you extra not to tell me the old bull/young bull joke."
Get on your way, Logan - you have a meeting with a hipster. Or whatever the hell is going on with him.

Don't bother asking him if the scissors in his house are broken, he only liked scissors when they weren't mainstream.

Good job, now he's sharing his latest spoken word poem about feminism.

But, at least Logan got the information he needed so he could get paid.
Then immediately fireball the little brat. Well-played.

What's happening here is unclear, but the hive mind/pool thing is still going strong.

Good grief, nothing distracts them from their romance. Try having that baby, Frida, I can't take it.

I see people are still convening in strange places.

Poppy, put some clothes on before Logan gets arrested.

Stanley, don't get Suri started on dragons. She might get drastic on you.

Huh. Even I didn't see that reaction coming.

Looks like Stanley ain't even hearin' that. Or this is how he meditates, you never can tell with him.

Logan's found the perfect place for a baby.

The German word for awkward is "unangenehm". Let's just say it five times, if it's possible to say it at all.

Oh hey, it's little Robert Wilson's birthday! Let's smother him!

Alrighty, guess that's it. Great party.
Poppy, put some clothes on, for real.

That's right, Logan - the floor is for babies. You're such an expert.

Time for our little butterfly to hatch!

No ... no. A thousand times, no. Suri. Logan. You're not allowed to breed anymore.

See? I told you. He's already plotting the death of his best friend.

He's coming right for me. This is disturbing. I'm disturbed. Good luck with this one, I'm going to flee.

I Play Sims (part49)
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Agitated Andrew Plays Call of Duty 4

It's Agitated Andrew vs the wonky Captioning on Youtube!

"Look at me, I can get all the way to the fucking ground! Congratulations! You still suck ass!"

"God damn those helicopters!"

"He tryin' to hump the ground again on me, oh my god."

"Three fucking guys around me, and he shoots me - the guy in the back of the fucking room."

"Oh my god, I got fucking okey-doked by a guy!"

"Oh my god."

"Shotgun faggot!"

"Why would you pick a machine gun?"

"I been dancin' and weavin' trying to keep myself alive!"

"Oh, you got it right when you said grenade or grenade four."

"Ahhhh, another fucking sniper!"

"Whuh - hey, Rick, what's your job? Oh, I stand in the back and look through a lens all day."

"Grenade, grenade, grenade, grenade, grenade."

"The only ones who can take me down are the fucking snipers. All they - all they do is stand in the back."

"They're the best at sucking dick. That's all they do."

"...these fucking jabroni brothers."

"Hahaha ... stick to that shit."

"Ugh, fucking ground humpers."

"He just puts his penis into the dirt. It's what he does."

"Damn humping that ground. Uh, uh, uh."

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