I went on vacation

... and all you get is this lousy blog post. It doesn't mean I don't love you, though.

Due to temporary insanity, plus the promise of cheese steaks and mind-bendingly good pizza, I agreed to drag my small children onto an airplane to go to my hometown in NJ, via the Philadelphia airport - one of the best places in the country to just start flipping the bird at random strangers, for no other reason than being in Philadelphia. It's precisely why I love the place.

Typically, I go back home without any fully-formed plans, which results in me sitting around my mom's house doing nothing until everyone gets sick of each other, and I get into an argument with my mother because her face is near me. This time, I was determined to get out into the world in ways other than just using a touch-screen at Wawa to get a hoagie and giving the person behind the counter a half-hearted grin-mace (it's the official state facial expression) when they hand it to me.

On top of my stellar anal-retentive planning, the stars really aligned for this trip and not once did I make rude gestures toward my mother without meaning it affectionately. It helped that she kept my face full of grease and cheese at nearly all times.

My first full day there, I went for a hike up the Mount, and my upturned, innocent face was smacked with a mini-blizzard. One might consider this a bad thing, but since it's been over eight years since I nearly froze to death walking home, I was indeed very chuffed.

Only an insane person would hate trying not to fall to their certain twisted ankle due to leaves + snow.

The next day found me at my sister's for a dinner of what she called "lazy chicken parm". I didn't snap a picture of that, but trust me, she put very little effort into it, and there was assembly required, so her advertising was not false.

I did, however, snap a photo of her feeding my youngest child what must have been cat treats.

Definitely cat treats.

The next day, I went for an luncheon feast of vegan food prepared by a family friend. I shit you not, every bite of it was amazing, despite not containing grease or melted cheese.

This was my third helping, so don't go thinking something dumb, like that I have a bird-like appetite.

On Tuesday, I ate pizza for the second time, which was so rapturously delightful, I couldn't work my camera. Once the pizza settled, my sister and an old friend came over to abduct me and feed me Turkish food.

In a bold move, instead of photographing the gorgeous food we ate, I took a picture of my sister making this face.
You've got that grin-mace down, Sister.

Also, on the way out, I got so excited by my first taste of Turkish delight that I flailed when I should have just acted like a human with social skills, and got powdered sugar all the hell over my black coat.

On Thursday, I allowed myself to be dragged out of the safety of my mother's house once again, and donned a rather fetching - not to mention ass-flattering - harness and clung precariously to a wall, calling my sister names which I only spoke in my head, since she was holding the rope that stood between me and crashing gracefully to the floor in a moaning heap.

I wish I had an explanation other than the harness for why my butt has taken on that shape.

Before we went climbing, though, my sister took me to her grocery store to shop for a dinner she was going to force me to help her make. In protest, I danced like a Sim at least five times, and made her touch a bag full of water with tofu noodles floating in it. I think I made my feelings clear.

I also had a shouting match with one of her cats, which he won soundly. He is a tip-top argumentalist.

On Friday, I drove into the middle of the Pine Barrens with very little gas in the tank to go eat dinner with my Aunt and Uncle. You haven't lived until you considered the implications of running out of gas on your way home during a snowstorm with Pineys just sneaking around in the woods. Lurking. Waiting.

Saturday was a big day - I met old school friends at a local bar for karaoke. My mother sent me off with some cash and a pocket full of mustaches, because apparently, that's what people my age take to bars.

It will probably come as a shock to you that when I mentioned my abundance of mustaches, no one dove for my pocket and tried to have the most fun they ever would have had out on the town.

Ennui ...

I wrapped up my last night in NJ by flopping on the couch next to a diabetic and eating a donut in front of him, which I proclaimed to taste "like crap" after finishing all of the creamy center, then chucking the rest in the garbage can.

Also, I wore a mustache to bed. They weren't going to wear themselves.
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