4-year-old: In the future, we can go back to Austin.
Me: No sweetie, we can't go back to our old apartment, somebody else lives there now.
4-year-old: Why does somebody else live there?
4-year-old: Because I will go there and I will kick them out. Hard.
Me: You're cute.
4-year-old: Then I will open the door up and tell them, "You can't live in Austin anymore!"
IM with my best friend Bunny Walker
Me: you have cute feet, though
Me: my MIL keeps trying to get me out for a pedicure and I'm like "MY FEEEET?! NO."
Her: Thanks. They are persistently troublesome. Dry toes. Friends keep trying to gift me pedis. Nooooooope.
Me: dry toes. that's hilarious
Me:may I flirt with you for a few seconds?
Her: Well alright.
Me: I have some really good lines I've been working on
Me: "you smell like peaches and there is NOTHING wrong with your vagina."
Her: Whoa! That escalated quickly.
Me: "your crotch does not disturb"
Me: these could use some work
Her: Mmm hmm. Sooooo why are you practicing pickin up chicks?
Me: "may I poke it?"
Me: I'm sorry, I'm just making myself laugh
Her: Ok, I gotta go back to being harassed by my home life. Luv u.
Me: I don't really want to poke your vagina
|So this is what happens when you have to rip stuff out of magazines to make collages for your kid's homework.|
|Being from south Jersey, this gives me an inordinate amount of rage. HoagieS rolls? Philly style? No. NO. |
They're split completely in half! I have never once had a hoagie on a roll that was split in half.
Fucking hoagies rolls.
|Action Bishop sold separately.|
|I wasn't even aware I had a bubble problem to solve.|
Here's how I've been annoying celebrities on Twitter: