Macaroni & Cheese for complete and utter dunderheads!

Right about now, I hear you wondering, "what the fuck is this blog about?"

It's about whatever the hell I want it to be about. Today, I'm going to tell you how to make baked macaroni and cheese so good, it could get you a marriage proposal.

And I am going to give you excruciating step-by-step directions, as though this is your first week on this planet, because I am anal and it will drive me mad if you don't do it my way. It's going to be awesome.


First, the ingredients:

2 cups elbow macaroni
1/2 stick of butter (4 tbsp)
3 tbsp Wondra (or all-purpose, if ya ain't fancy) flour
2 cups milk
1/2 cup water
2 cups shredded cheddar (don't buy it in a bag, ya big lazy)
salt, pepper

Fill a large pot with water and start it boiling. Using the 2-cup measuring cup you'd use for your milk, measure your macaroni, then pour it into your strainer to wait until the water boils.  Fill your measuring cup with the milk, then set on the counter. Set your already-shredded cheddar on the counter, and do not eat it. Measure out your flour, and stick it on a small plate so it's ready the minute you need it. Fill a small measuring cup with the water.

Cook macaroni until it's al dente. That means don't cook it to death, fool. Once it's done, pour it into your strainer and set aside. Using the same pot you used for the macaroni, melt the butter at medium heat. Once melted, add your flour and salt & pepper to taste. Stir for 2-3 minutes. Never stop stirring. Watch it like it's a greased-up baby on the edge of a freaking volcano.

Add water and stir until it's thick.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Kick the heat up under the pot a bit if you're feeling impatient. Next, add your milk in increments.  Gulps, even. If you stop stirring, I will find you, and hit you with a wooden spoon. It will keep thickening up each time you let the newly-added milk heat up, until you've added most of the second cup.

Here's where things get very boring. Just keep stirring. Still. Yes, I know. But your shit's not ready until you can scrape your wooden spoon across the bottom of the pot and you can see a bit of a trail before the milk covers it again. Once you see that, turn off the burner and add all but a few handfuls of the cheddar (so you have some to cover the top). Mix until fully incorporated.

Dump that macaroni in the pot. It'll be stuck together, but chill. The cheese sauce will pull it apart. Get that all mixed up, then pour in a dish that isn't too small or two big, because ... well, that's just logic, people. Cover top with remaining cheddar. Bake for 20 minutes, then let it sit for 5-10 minutes on your counter before you try to scoop it out.

Eat as much as you can, until you feel self-hatred creep in. Then eat three more bites.

This is what it looks like:

Yeah, I got fancy. There's some mozzarella and Parmesan cheese mixed in there.
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