Grievances: October 2011

So ... it starts like this: once, late at night, Husband and I stumbled upon what we felt at the time had to be one of the weirdest, most deliciously fucked-up movies we'd ever seen - and we've seen The Room, several times.

Apparently, we'd just stumbled upon the climax, and did not yet understand the levels of boredom to which we'd be brought ... to.

Carnival Magic. If I was going to recommend this movie to someone, I would definitely tell them to skip past the first hour (because the plot is irrelevant) and drink a whole lot while you're skipping ahead. From that point on, drink every time you think something is both boring as shit and weirder than a talking turd spanking a bowl of fruit.

Here are the notes I took while watching the movie:

Elvin Feltner presents. I heard this was a movie for the whole family, so I'm ready for a nice, wholesome, lily-white presentation and I will accept nothing less.

It opens with a carnival scene (a little on-the-nose?) and some scantily-clad, busty dancers gyrating shamelessly in front of some children. I think they might have disco fever, but I'm only basing this on the "disco fever" sign that's posted behind them. It could be a ruse.

A child yells at the carnival's PR man, David (Howard Segal), for not bringing in more people to the carnival, but dammit, Jim - he's not a magician. This is probably why the movie wasn't called Carnival Press Releases.

Apparently, the magician is Marcov (Don Stewart) and he likes talking to the animals. "Yes, Nepal, we all have our cages - some without bars." "Sleep loosely, my friends."

I think what I'm looking at now is a lion tamer named Kirk (Joe Cirrulo), who doesn't like Marcov talking to his cats, threatening to leave the carnival if Marcov won't quit discussing philosophy (or the best place to get a fro yo?) with his lions.

The carnival owner, Stoney (Mark Weston), stands lamenting to himself - aloud - about carnival life.

Some people mumble to each other about something ... a watch? Bills? I already have stopped caring.

Marcov walks and talks in the darkness with an unseen companion. Who could it possibly be?! Oh, it's a chimp named Alex, wearing people clothes. I should have seen that coming, along with the fact that the chimp talks.

"What's the story?" asks the chimp. No idea, dude. None.

A breathless tomboy, Ellen (Jennifer Houlton), convinced that this talking chimp will save the carnival, crosses fingers on both hands, for luck, as some unseen business happens in a trailer with two men and a chimp.

The soundtrack is always too romantic or too dramatic.

Now it's time for something actually carnival-related, and I've never seen anyone breathe fire as awkwardly or stiffly as Marcov in the whole of my life.

We've decided that Marcov = Dr. Oz.

It appears to be Surly Senior Citizen night.

OH brother.

God, this is painful. This conversation is taking way too long.

Now, the chimp is joyriding with a girl who had been asleep in the backseat, to the soundtrack of banjo music. I think he's taking her away to sexually assault her.

High speed chase so boring, I took a nap.

The chimp ends the chase by crashing into a roadside produce stand whilst smirk-belching, "Fruit salad!"

Dr. Oz does push-ups while the chimp gooses him and the tomboy baseballs and mudpies in while climbing a tree.

Every conversation takes too long and accomplishes fuck-all. These people should knit while they converse, that carnival would be rolling in scarves and afghans.

I think something romantic is happening. I mean, two people just drove off in a van. If forced at gunpoint, I might say that the tomboy is about to become a tomwoman - but there is no gun here, and I will never say that. Do not even request it.

A scientist, Dr Poole (Charles Reynolds) wants to put his science-y fingers upon the chimp for the purposes of harmful contact at his own lab. He didn't come out and say that, it was just something I saw in his eye. The left one.

This bad voice over for the science guy is the best thing about this movie so far. Long life noodles, science guy!

The chimp sounds like a Gremlin burping all its words.

Okay, something is actually happening now - the cat guy is conspiring with the science guy to make the chimp experimental.

Back to more carnivalating, Marcov does some tricks that involve a whole lot of long pauses and much quiet straining.

This is a good time for a business hug. Trust me, I have a trained eye for this.

Oh my god, the cat guy spilled red Kool-aid all over his gaping chest wound! When it rains it pours cherry-flavored catastrophic injury.

Tomboy wants to wear a dress, man. So she gets engaged to the PR guy and wears the hell out of some dresses. This is why you always don't get in a van.

Kirk's cats and Kim's (Diane Kettering) clothes are gone! AT THE SAME TIME. Maybe now we'll find out if they're aren't, in fact, the same thing.

I just had to ask husband what that noise is, and he informs me that it's the music. Suuuure it is, Bean Burrito.

The chimp undoes the bike lock and chain (probably a metaphor for bike safety) which is wrapped around him. "Oooh, where nurse?" is the first thing he wants to know. This is one horny chimp.

Dr. Oz shirtlessly broods, until I start having an acid flashback. How painful can shirt-wearing be?

Now the chimp is wrasslin' with a basket ball player and an orderly, until sedated by the science guy. Could you ruin less, science guy?

I think the chimp is willing himself to die. I'm smelling what you're burning, chimp.

"It's the world's only talking chimpanzee - I've got to kill it!" - husband just exclaimed.

Okay, so now EVERYBODY has gathered down town to look for the chimp.

The owner of the carnival calls all carnies with unintelligible shouted words to assemble at the address that Dr. Oz choked out of the cat guy.

The chimp finds a bottle, helpfully labeled "poison".

The carnies converge - a pretty large clump - and advance on the house, crouching and skulking in broad daylight to sneak attack - in the harsh light of day - the laboratory. It's a well-known fact that squatting is the new camo.

Hey, a little person. Anyway, they find the chimp, who is whimpering lethargically next to a bottle of "poison". Carnival owner punches the science guy. Who cares, really, at this point.

Dr. Oz gets in an ambulance with the chimp. They head straight to a people's hospital where he is given priority emergency care. They shock the chimp. Because they can. It kills him. Probably. Am I still watching this movie?

Mark Twain?

Dr. Oz's love revives the chimp. A happy ending.

But first, Dr. Oz kisses some teenagers in the street. God, I hate parades.

Don't push these buttons, just guard them.

I didn't. Ewps.

Let's start with one of my favorite times I annoyed the crap out of someone on the Sims 3 fan page. I'd like to say that hilarity ensued, but it was probably only me laughing.

More of this:

I just checked my watch and when I realized I wasn't wearing one, I decided it must be time to plug my Sims story, since the last time I checked my watch, I'm pretty sure I had one. I'll have to look into that. Or, adjust my medication. Either way, if you haven't been here before, please come. According to my doctor, I'm not dangerous to others.

You guys should really learn to clean up after yourselves - I just tripped over this link that was lying right in the middle of the floor. Never mind that I left it there and that it's for the blog where I post my Sims story, which will be updated next week. It's still somehow someone else's fault that I nailed my head on a cabinet not paying attention to where I was walking. So ... just let that be a lesson to you.

If you haven't checked out my Sims story, you really should. The newest chapter will be posted next week, but there is a new non-Sims post today to keep you amused. If you don't like being amused, this is the wrong link to click. Unless you enjoy the righteous indignation of being made to feel something you never wanted to feel in the first place. Then it's just perfect.

I don't have a new Sims update today (that should be next week) but I do have a new non-Sims update up. For those who haven't visited yet, there's a Sims story here that'll blow bubbles in your gum and smack your little brother for messin' with your stuff.

You can't drink a blog link, or a Sims story. I tried, and it's not at all a pleasant experience. Learn from my mistakes, I beg of you. Anyway, I'll have a new Sims chapter next week, but for now, you can have an update that, while not lemonade, can be refreshing if you need to put funny in your eye.

A little more scam spam: